August is historically a bad month for me. Every year I hope it will be different, that I'll be able to sleep, that I won't find it hard to simply get out of bed, shower, and make it to work. That the heat and humidity of the subway won't make me shake and sweat, that I won't run into the panic attacks that are all too familiar to me.

Especially this year I hoped because I'd been sober that I wouldn't let all of this get to me and stay sober. Unsurprisingly I failed; hope doesn't get me very far. So it was another round of missing work a couple of times, culminating in another ER visit Tuesday night after difficulty breathing.

I'm starting to feel better, but I'm tired of this. I'm tired of knowing it isn't improving. I'll keep moving but for now I just want to sleep through the night again, and feel like there's more than just going through the motions of life.

At least August is over.

It's been raining most of the day in NYC, but I can only think of what it must be like in Texas. I remember watching 12 years ago when Hurricane Katrina roared into New Orleans. That night I wrote about how terrible it would be if the worst case scenario happened, and hate that I was right.

I hope that the loss of life is less from Harvey's ridiculous rainfall, but having been through Gloria, Isabel, Sandy and knowing the information blackout that results from that kind of extreme weather, I fear there will be a similar toll. Knowing which reservoirs are overflowing, where lily pads (what they're calling high ground where they're evacuating people), and if rescue is nearby is critical.

Sandy was bad enough when it hit here, and NYC had a evacuation order which saved a lot of lives. I understand why Houston didn't take that step, but it might be a decision they regret; I can only hope that tomorrow dawns with the flood waters draining and few gruesome discoveries.

Natural disasters happen, that's why they're called natural. I don't generally pray, but tonight I'm praying for the general Houston area, as well as New Orleans (again), and where else this crazy flooding rain hits.

Even though I live in the same city as one of my friends, it seems like we never get to see each other, so I was thrilled we got together Friday night. When work takes up so much of your energy, it's all too easy to let everything else slip to the back burner but it's healthy to let human connections take first place for a change.

I also showed my parents around Fulton Street in Brooklyn, which is now safe enough for me to be comfortable bringing them there. It's also a former home to some of the prior great department stores like Abraham & Strauss, Namm's, and Wechsler's and while the stores have changed, the architecture is gorgeous. Check out http://forgotten-ny.com/2004/04/brooklyns-fulton-street/ for pictures.

Not coincidentally, I found Fulton Street since I work at Metrotech, which was built back in the early 1990's about two blocks away, so I've wandered the area quite a bit. It's one thing to know about New York's history, but there's just something special about seeing it up close and personal. I count myself incredibly lucky to able to do so on a regular basis.

Not a bad weekend overall.

Every day, another WTF? I wake up and immediately want to check Twitter to see what dumb insult or Fox retweet that our current POTUS has posted, let alone hear his rambling speeches, if they can even be called that. Today just started out bad and then the 5pm presser hit. There has to be an ulterior motive since no public figure in their right mind would even THINK about possibly giving such an inflammatory and borderline racist statement. For the sake of our country, I'm not sure whether it's mental decline or some complicated behind the scenes reason, but I do not trust this fat man as far as I could throw him. I just hope his tenure is short.

A small vacation is always worth it and best of all, my uncle's 90th birthday party went really well, even with my difficult cousins. We had a great time, I got to meet another cousin's new girlfriend (he's in the middle of a divorce), and my uncle almost cried he was so happy and nostalgic for days gone by. For someone that age in our family, that's a big win :).

The remaining days I got my hair cut, my parents and I went to Seaside, saw Dunkirk, and ate out a lot which I prefer, disregarding my waist circumference. But it was only four days so I indulged; the weight still has to be lost regardless and it's back to my diet as of tomorrow.

MRI results are in and I'm not happy but not surprised. Most importantly there's no cancer, so I live to work another day, week, month, and year.

Yesterday was a big day, not necessarily because of what happened. It was the official 10th anniversary of my turn-permanent date at my job, which is hard to conceive. Ten years ago was right before the shit hit the fan economically, and having seen it coming, I fought tooth and nail to get that conversion in time. I also have the shortest temp-to-perm duration of 9 months, a record that holds to this day.

I remember when I had that fire and energy to work and make things better for myself. I mourn it often but have to accept that who I am now I was not then in many ways and vice versa.

I'm calmer now, and know what to expect for function and dysfunction in my department, company, and NYC. My living situation has been stable for coming up on 8 years, and I just need to do a whole apartment cleaning at some point (mostly throw out old VHS tapes). I don't know if I'll ever rejoin the pool team but I did a solid 10 years, and have nothing to be ashamed of there.

I've done the best I could factoring in all of the bumps and potholes along the road and after all this time I have enough to at least have some small bit of pride. I hope it continues.