The daily routine is wearing thinner and thinner. Tonight I had a better time hanging out with two homeless guys on a stoop for an hour and a half than I would have had working or doing anything else post-work. It's not that I want to leave what I have, I just need more human interaction and fulfillment. Hell, I was thrilled that one of the guys who I've known for about a month now hugged me goodbye. It could have also been the $20 I gave him but I'm a cheap date. Nonetheless it was positive reinforcement and actual human connection which I'm missing more and more.

I don't have a positive outlook.  I've slid backward in a lot of ways. I don't have the emotional or mental reserves to take many more blows to my psyche, and while I understand that I'm putting a lot of pressure on my family I cannot have it reflected back on me, just to absorb it and continue on.

So what to do? Try to pick myself up tomorrow, hold the memory of that hug and others that have meant so much to me over the years, and go forward. Put on makeup and not cry it off during the day. Go to work. Try not to dwell on the reality of the situation. Smile through the pain and remember there are far worse things. Try to be positive. I guess that's a goal that's good enough.