I have a strange habit of repressing, particularly around my parents. My entire life they haven't really wanted really to know what's wrong or know what to say to just sympathize, so it's nice to know that some things haven't changed.

I'm really scared for my checkup on Wednesday since it's psychologically very difficult for me to face that and all the things I've been doing to prepare (and not prepare) for my new immuno-compromised, compressed life. Somehow seeing medical professionals is worse than facing my financial advisor. With him I was just on the verge of tears. In July I had a panic attack in my doctor's waiting room despite having been clean for 7 months.

Still, I smiled and ate, and went through the motions, and noticed all the times we avoided saying what was in our eyes. God we have a dysfunctional family, and I hate that I know it. I wish I could just be oblivious, or actually (god forbid) feel like they could be there for me, but I know better.

This week will be hard. The week after may be harder, I'm not sure, but last time it didn't get better afterwards and this may be not be any different. Some things never change.