I'm doing okay, kind of dreading Thanksgiving but still incredibly glad that at least I have others in my life who understand and don't judge me. In fact they're pulling for me to get myself back under control and believe that I can do it. No awkward questions or silences. They understand that wanting to be healthy and extend my life for myself and them can't be forced or guilted into being. It has to come from me.

I get that too, even though I have what is almost like a separate side wanting to torture me. It's the nightmares almost every night where I die or suffer in various ways (burning as I hear people outside screaming in horror, walking on broken glass and having to pick out every piece as blood spurts, being cut open, etc). It's the panic attacks when I can't breathe and am paralyzed until I come out of it while trying to look normal at work. It's the leaden feeling of knowing that I really should make more of an effort to interact with bankers and do my job, but the above reasons keep me barely functioning as is.

I'm trying to break a twelve year habit where drinking was my answer to quell the dreams and the anxiety and all of the recovery meetings in the world won't fix those problems. I'm hoping psychiatry will help since I sincerely doubt this is normal, but there are limits there as well. Most of all I'm depending on some familiarity with, if not this exactly, similar experiences as or with an EDP to know that there is true empathy.

Not sympathy; that implies pity and judgement, but empathy that this can take its toll and we are all doing the best we can against these internal storms. Somewhere along the way I realized that coping doesn't exist in my family. We deny. We hide weaknesses in the hope that they'll magically disappear. We pretend that everything is fine no matter what is actually going on since we need to achieve and be successful.

Any break from that is incredibly welcome, and I'm lucky that I have it. Hopefully I will never take it for granted.