I know it's not logical, but when it comes to my emotions I find that I cannot seem to harness my logic to change things. I have a lot going for me, and when I've suffered it's been my own fault at least half of the time. But when I get the better of myself and cause my own problems, it's in some ways ten times worse than my genetics or body spontaneously revolting on me.

Both scenarios I am intimately familiar with and I wish I wasn't. It's not that I think I deserve better, or that any person goes through life without significant emotional or physical pain, but damn it, I'm tired of it. Tired of falling back into old habits. Tired of feeling like a robot that goes through the motions without any emotion except resignation. Tired of knowing I should make a change but I'm just too tired (ha ha, yes, I know).

Oftentimes I think I just wasn't made for this world, a feeling that hasn't left me since I was thirteen. I do okay for a while, then crash. Rinse and repeat, and every time it seems that I fall a bit further.

I'm hanging in there as much as possible and will make it out the other side again but it's mentally and physically defeating to cycle again and again through depression, anxiety, then anger and frustration at repeating the same mistakes.

It's been almost a year since I went to rehab. I was back in the ED two nights ago with a BAC that was high for normal people. If anyone ever says that quitting an addiction is easy they're fucking lying.