Yesterday I was visiting the department store holiday windows and today shopping at the kiosks with my mom (since I had vacation days to use it was possible). I was reminded again of what a gift it is to live in New York, and yet revisit the dread of returning to work tomorrow. If I was a trust fund baby then it would be a pleasure to be here and be able to truly appreciate the experiences.
Unfortunately I'm not and will never be rich, especially by NYC standards so I still feel stuck. I know it's stupid because I'm still currently in a better position than I could be if any of a dozen situations could have happened, but there's been a seed of resentment growing for years about the lack of ability to create any sort of freedom or positive progress with my job.
It seems that when I'm working I'm just robotic. When I'm taking days that I know I shouldn't be taking I at least feel that I'm not tethered to a place, a time, responsibility twice that of others in my department. I've begged, complained, and resisted as best as I can at them piling another thing on my plate which burns me out so much that I collapse, sometimes literally.
Also unfortunately I have some vestige of work ethic left where I try to fulfill everything at once as it piles up. I've tried to moderate. I've tried to push off work onto the others who should be helping me out, and had them tell me no because they've also been burned out.
I have to remember that I want this life, this opportunity to be in this wonderful city, and it's worth the stress of living and working here. And although I've said it a million times, to draw a line where I say no when it's important and the fault isn't me or my abilities, it's the cheapness of the department. If they won't pay for more passwords or training, I won't pick up the slack. I should know better, after all, it's the only way anything's worked in alleviating the ridiculous situations we've had in the past.
For now it's getting close to Christmas and New Years, and I'll enjoy as much as I can, and try not to stress out unnecessarily.
Unfortunately I'm not and will never be rich, especially by NYC standards so I still feel stuck. I know it's stupid because I'm still currently in a better position than I could be if any of a dozen situations could have happened, but there's been a seed of resentment growing for years about the lack of ability to create any sort of freedom or positive progress with my job.
It seems that when I'm working I'm just robotic. When I'm taking days that I know I shouldn't be taking I at least feel that I'm not tethered to a place, a time, responsibility twice that of others in my department. I've begged, complained, and resisted as best as I can at them piling another thing on my plate which burns me out so much that I collapse, sometimes literally.
Also unfortunately I have some vestige of work ethic left where I try to fulfill everything at once as it piles up. I've tried to moderate. I've tried to push off work onto the others who should be helping me out, and had them tell me no because they've also been burned out.
I have to remember that I want this life, this opportunity to be in this wonderful city, and it's worth the stress of living and working here. And although I've said it a million times, to draw a line where I say no when it's important and the fault isn't me or my abilities, it's the cheapness of the department. If they won't pay for more passwords or training, I won't pick up the slack. I should know better, after all, it's the only way anything's worked in alleviating the ridiculous situations we've had in the past.
For now it's getting close to Christmas and New Years, and I'll enjoy as much as I can, and try not to stress out unnecessarily.
posted by AnonymousX at 9:23 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home