I'm trying to figure out what went so wrong in my head this time around. I still don't have any concrete answers although I have a few possible leads.

Self: anxiety and bodily pain returning with the past summer as my body adjusted to the gabapentin, depression swing, frustration and anger at AA and other programs meant to "help" with the process that just made me think that if this is the rest of my life I don't want it. I'm still struggling with all of the above minus the programs.

Family: implied pressure from parents and return to old dynamics of expecting robots to take my job and I need to start over when I was already starting over enough by quitting drinking. Sister insanity as per normal. Death of great-uncle. Factors have not materially improved.

I'm learning to distance myself as much as I can. I'm working hard in therapy and have shed quite a  few tears over my situation while trying to just let things go, even though one of my colleagues who I am now in charge of training is as gung-ho when I first started. I calm him down and tell him to move on. From there he's on his own.

I'm still dealing with physical consequences, although nothing dire yet, thank god. I know it's not too late to work this out; it's just an extremely hard puzzle where I only have a few pieces and I'm not sure some pieces haven't been permanently lost. Even if they are, and holes exist after the assembly of a new, functional self it would be a huge step forward.

Family relations will have to wait. You are told so many things about "recovery", one being that reparations must occur early and often, but for me it's a long process that has to start and stop depending on their circumstances as well as mine. I shouldn't be surprised, after years of abuse it doesn't stop immediately, but I might be getting closer to being tired of running the same dysfunctions.