I've recently signed up for an account on a chat forum where everyone comments on the MSNBC weekday lineup although I've been a lurker for a long time (as in years). And I realized that not only have I lost the normal social ability to meet people, the awkwardness extends to the internet. I'm hesitant between sharing too much and not sharing enough, tend to be pedantic, and rather self-conscious.

How pathetic is that? I'm intimidated by the internet. I'll keep at it for at least a month since I got an anonymous sponsorship, but am seriously debating renewing it myself. It's only $5 a month, so it might be worth it when I get back from the trip, but it's an illuminating window into how I fear what most people see as normal like a simple chat forum.

Then again, maybe practice makes perfect.

So some good things did come out of my semi-breakdown. I now have 6 months worth of contacts, food in the house, most of my prescriptions filled to carry me through my vacation. It wasn't worth the cost but it's a few things to at least get off my plate.

Yep, I definitely hit an I can't even...

Family drama, since they'll be looking at more permanent alternate living arrangements for my uncle. My personal biopsy drama. Work drama and still pulling triple duty since now my HC backup is on vacation from this past Wed-next week, and my back throwing a fit since I haven't been sleeping and basically been falling apart.

I'm finally piecing my shit back together again and will make it to Brooklyn tomorrow if I have to cry the whole way, dammit. I'm just lucky as hell that my job gives me leeway for these breakdowns except that I really think that they need me. Especially now for HC, my own HC backup, and quant expertise (replacing my colleague who retired end of February), so I'll know what to expect in the future if they bring in an expert in any of the above. *sigh*

So it's been 36+ hours and I'm still in a rage about this. My uncle, who is 90, had a serious incident where he was in hospital and then discharged. My cousin, who also has cirrhosis but has never held a job and basically been trying to get rid of any hint of responsibility, lives with him.

Said cousin has not even been giving him medication on time or sometimes at all when he himself should have learned the grind over the over ten years of my aunt having end stage diabetes & kidney disease before she died, possible bipolar disease himself (we've never been able to nail that one down), and my uncle having a stroke about a decade ago.

Thankfully my other, responsible cousin has taken over and taken my uncle into his home and I know he will be taken care of, but if there was any chance of me ever giving the other cousin aid or shelter, fuck him. I know co-dependency runs strong in our family as well as every dysfunctional thing ever, I disavow. I will not, and do not support a complete excuse for basic failures.

 I also understand occasional failures such as me crying most of the day between the new biopsy, the failure of my cousin and relief about my other cousin picking up duties, frustration about not being able to be there, and a lot of emotions jammed into a very short amount of time. I want nothing more than just rest, but I shudder when I lay down since my nervous system is thrown into overdrive. All I can do is try and make myself breathe.

It would really be nice to have a new body and mind. Spoiler alert: women's issues coming up.

A year after my first mammogram I had to get a stereotactical biopsy on my left breast for what turned out to be a calcification and an ultrasound guided one on my right breast for what turned out to be a benign fibroadenoma. I have dense breasts to begin with so the regular mammogram is accompanied with ultrasounds which find things like the fibroadenoma which wouldn't normally show up on the mammo imaging, and can size them to make sure they're not growing into something malignant.

I'm not technically in the medical field but I know generally what I'm looking at in ultrasounds/CT scans/X-rays, etc. So when I was watching the monitor I had my first uh-oh moment since I could see a space that shouldn't be there. The first tech went to get a second one, then the radiologist was called in which is always a big red flag.

Sure enough, today I was officially notified of something suspicious in the left breast, but probably another fibroadenoma or duct debris that wasn't present 12 months ago, so it's off to another biopsy in June. I refuse to have it done before my vacation since it's about a week until everything gets back to normal but at least it's just a regular ultrasound needle biopsy. Appointment made, doctor's prescription for the biopsy ordered, so I think everything is set.

But dear god, what is wrong with my body that I have had so many medical problems?! I'm beyond tired of it where I feel like being in the hospital, doctor's office, lab, imaging apparatus is just my fate. So I want a do-over; a new body where I would accept my self-inflicted problems but not random occurrences like the biopsies. Maybe the technology will exist someday.

Wow, yet again I'm stunned at how bad I am at learning languages. I've always been audibly challenged but trying Babbel is reminding me of the hill I have to climb and just how much memorization vs a working vocabulary can differ. Of course it's hardly a major problem; we'll be on a tour with guides who are bi (or tri- or however many lingual) and the staff will likely speak English, but I really would like to someday be able to really at least know the basics of another language.

In the meantime, I still have to check on the re-issued collections notice and make sure all of the parties are playing together nicely, and pray nothing else comes up. I've gotten somewhat used to over 12 doctor appointments per year, managing to work (literally) around them, the humdrum day by day and the hectic rush when some bill or unexpected expense crops up. It doesn't leave a lot of mental capacity to work on things like a new language and I think that's part of my problem.

There was an idea decades ago that automation would lead to a shorter work week (https://www.investopedia.com/articles/personal-finance/120415/does-shorter-work-week-lead-greater-productivity.asp), yet in reality it has led to fewer jobs and more hours for those of us left working. Maybe someday it will change for the better and if it does, I'll be able to devote some serious time, like when I was in college for studying new things including languages.

Finally. I have a prescription for contacts and a haircut (which I usually have done in NJ, so hasn't happened since November). I feel like I'm getting things in order, but then again it's because of the vacation that's planned.

I need a catalyst in my life to do positive things. I hate to say it but it's true. Otherwise it's go to work, come home, sleep, rinse and repeat. And even that gets tiring by sheer repetition.

There are a few people I know who have thrown out that script, for better or for worse, and I do find myself envying them, but also acknowledging that I'm not sure I'd have the discipline to make the most of it. For now I'll just focus on going around work to get my dr appts done before I leave, as well as slowly accruing the travel sized EVERYTHING you need today to go through the TSA. That I can handle.

Easter went rather well. One of my cousins was there who rarely appears at holiday gatherings, although usually we see her once a year at least at my birthday party (since I'm literally the only person in the family who still agrees to have one and that's mostly because otherwise we don't see everyone), so that was a nice surprise. I arrived at my aunt's the night before and helped her prepare what we could ahead and basically was the sous chef for everything since she's getting older, and it's difficult to prepare a multitude of dishes by yourself. My cooking skill is hardly above basic but I'm finally getting the basics down where it matters.

I've also just signed up for Babbel to learn simple German phrases since in a month and a half my parents, aunt, and I are leaving for an eight day cruise from Basel to Amsterdam along the Rhine. Simply because of the ports of call, I'm guessing German is the most useful one to at least have some usefulness for directions or reading a few signs, and no one in my family has any experience in the language except my sister who won't be with us. A little knowledge can be dangerous, I know, but it's better than none at all as long as you acknowledge your limitations.

I'm excited and nervous about the trip, like most of my other trips starting about a month to a week beforehand and the only alleviation is preparation. There's always the fear that documents/flights/hotels won't be prepared, or I'll forget something vital, or something as stupid as leaving my alarm on so it goes off every day annoying the neighbors. For about an hour before I leave the apartment, even for a weekend or short four day trip to my relatives in NJ, I'll wander around talking to myself to make sure things are packed, off, unplugged, and otherwise ready to leave without worrying about a fire or forgetting things.I'm a little OCD in case you can't tell. And I'm third least OCD out of the four of us who are going, imagine THAT!

In the end, I intellectually know it will work out fine. We have a tour company who will be responsible for smoothing any bumps in reservations, etc, and we've all traveled internationally before. I'm taking positive steps to try and smooth things over with language barriers to cover stilted German-English conversations, along with planning ahead for all of my doctor visits, medication refills, and health issues that I may need to address. If anything I think I need to travel more to acclimatize myself to the uncertainties instead of the daily grind. I doubt it will happen, but it would be nice!