Things were going well. Then my period came which in volume is far less than it was but my emotions flew into insanity again. Damn it.

I finally had to take today off to just try to normalize before tomorrow because otherwise the outcome would not have been making it this week.

I hate that this happens. I hate that even having an IUD placed seems not to help with the hormonal issues. I hate that I go through this alone every time and have to pull the "sick" card when I only get 6 sick days per year. When my parents taught (and also got 2 months off per year) they had 12 sick days, to account for the fact that women usually need at least a day per period for cramps, issues, etc.

I've been going for 11 straight years at this job and we can't even carry a single day over according to company policy. So I work from home. I try to limit it but once it hits a certain point or my mental issues and physical issues add on to this...I just don't know.

I don't know how much longer this can go on. I ask myself this every year. How much longer can I keep dragging myself home knowing the only respite I will ever get is a short vacation, which, as wonderful as it is, is only about every three years. Days working from home I'm actually WORKING so it's not like I can go take a nap. If I could even sleep. Naps on lunch breaks? Not anymore.

I've been through disability. And it didn't solve anything. I think I've pretty much gone through whatever I can and still keep a goddamn job. It's eaten everything out of me. So yeah, not just my period but that just amps everything up to remind me what's wrong with me and how I don't fit here, in this life.

I wish I had a better ending, but I don't. I don't know if I ever will.

Things are mostly okay for now personally. Barring any unforeseen events, I think maybe this summer won't be a complete and total shitshow like they tend to be if I can just keep things on an even keel.

Plans are made for three concerts this summer and I've already received the tickets for two of them. Yes, I still get them in the mail because I'm old school and because I book things far enough in advance that I can do it. So July 16th at MSG is Foo Fighters \m/, Toad the Wet Sprocket at Sony Hall Aug. 8th, and finally Counting Crows and Live at the new Hard Rock Casino in Atlantic City Aug. 23rd which will be a mini-vacation since most of my remaining days are committed to around the holidays.

There's still a lot to work on but outside of the economy crashing I've got a shot at maybe improving things for the longer term. Maybe even being okay with my life as it is.

We're having a small heat wave, but so far I've managed with a fan. For me heat = sloth. I haven't gotten out of the house since it hit 90, but am hoping tomorrow for the motivation to pop across the street and take the Q to Brooklyn.

I hate air conditioning that I can't control, even at work, since my ideal AC would be around 76-78 which most people complain about. However if you're going to go in and out of AC buildings, it's better to have a lesser gradient in temperatures especially for me since I can break out in hives from extreme temperature changes (it's a familial thing, my uncle was the same).

As a result, I try to just normalize temperatures around 68-78 degrees, which makes me the outlier from a lot of people. I'm used to sweating and a fan covers that unless it's 100+ for a couple of days, so I've learned to endure when I can. And keep an AC in the window just in case!

Sorry for the long delay, my 2 year old Dell (or actually maybe even less than that) decided to give up the ghost and no longer read the charger since I dropped it. Being a cheap piece of shit the plastic gave and bent the pin inside and even Best Buy couldn't recommend anything except sending it out for $300-400 to replace the charging set. I only paid $500 for the damn thing in the first place!

Last time I had issues with my computer (oddly, charging issues again, although I finally got that one a new charger since it was the cord that broke, not the computer) I panicked, ran to Best Buy and ended up with the Dell POS. This time I had an iPad to fall back on to access the internet so I asked for advice from the chat forum and spent more to get a quality product.

Asus (like my 10+ old one that's still going strong), https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0786TPWBP/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Vivobook, 256 GB SSD + 1TB HDD, 8G RAM with slot to upgrade to 16, Windows 10, 15" screen 3.7 lbs. Under $1,000. Score.

It arrived yesterday and I've been loading my old files which is a drop in the bucket on this memory storage. One thing I learned very well from past computers dying is KEEP A REGULAR BACKUP. You'll lose some stuff, but I back everything important up on flash drives (literally, I have 3 with different update dates) so it's not a disaster.

Best of all, it loads up in 5 seconds flat and can handle in a flash what used to keep the POS busy for a minute or two. I have more meaningful posts but this is something I'm proud of, that I didn't have the panic-based response and end up in the same situation. Now to apply it to the rest of my life.

It's odd to go back to my old life. Vacation is a way to come back to yourself, slipping into a better version of myself, but then the fantasy is over and the real world returns.

I never fully detach. I know colleagues who forget their passwords or don't remember how to navigate a database within a week of being away. I never did at any time in the eleven years I've been working there, even if I was out a month or two from health issues (not vacation certainly, but time away for sure; there isn't much that can be done from a hospital bed). Have I let certain databases or search strategies lapse over a year or two of not using them? Yes, but it takes about that long.

It's part of what has allowed them to keep me while we went through rounds of layoffs and temps; I don't forget and can tie together databases and strategies through my accumulated experience that others can't or don't think of doing.

I had lunch with a colleague on Thursday ruminating on that kind of value that experience brings. She's much farther in her career than me, since she began working as a corporate librarian in the 1980's, yet she confirmed what I kind of already knew. The other options out there in our field right now aren't any better. More responsibility for a salary that doesn't justify the additional skills needed to negotiate contracts, field requests over a wider range of specialties, and generally at least double the amount of work involved for only a small increase.

So while I absolutely carry the memories and experiences of my vacation with me, I know enough to keep my feet on the metaphorical ground. I need this job. And I will do what is required to keep it.

That better person? She may have to wait a while to be let loose again.