This weekend was productive. I mailed out my lease again for the next year, found belts and sheets at a street fair, and hate that I need a 38 waist for them to be useful. I have belts from last year where I remembered being small and went for medium. It was still too small.

I cannot manage at a sitting job to really lose weight. When they say sitting is the new smoking it's no joke. Between the eye strain from being on a computer all day and the inactivity, it's far too easy to gain weight and stress your body and mind.

I'm also approaching middle age, if not already there, so it's almost an inevitability. Solutions would include some concerted effort on my part, but I've not been there before. I've never managed that. So I'll take the minimal positives and just work on the rest.

Our building is being converted to house the C-suite on the top floors and we're is cheap as shit when it comes to the average employee so no improvement occurs unless there's an ulterior motive. God knows I've been there long enough to know that. Our Brooklyn office was only upgraded because they saw this change coming and knew that moving bankers there for training when homeless guys were wandering into the lobby and you risked being mugged every day walking to the train wouldn't fly anymore.

This time around I knew they would have to invent a way to control access to the top floors since the building doesn't have a dedicated elevator and it's always been anyone and everyone crowding into the elevator. Sure enough, we now have "smart" elevators which tell you which elevator to go to and what floor you're going to. No more buttons in the elevator and they're now covered with a giant metal box (since they had to retro-fit them).

Most tellingly, below the keypad is a scanner area where you can beep your badge. Not necessary right now, but once the new C-suite's occupied it's a damn good bet those will be activated.

Every banker I've run into, even the ones that have been around for years, think it's just so cool we have smart elevators. Every time I mention the real reason they're shocked and then go "Yeah, that DOES make sense." Damn I'm fucking cynical compared to everyone else, but I wonder how they never twig to the fact that this is business as usual. The peons don't matter, it's all about the holy bottom line and multi-millionaires being protected.

Maybe it's because I've always lived at the bottom of any given food chain. Maybe it's because I've unconsciously put myself there since I never felt worthy of anything else. Maybe it's because I see myself doing these things and regret not having changed it. On every level I'm just sad and angry, and that's life.

I made it through the weekend, although two of the elderly guests cancelled at the last moment. It's reaching a point where the average age of our family parties is around 70, since in most cases the attendees either didn't have kids, or their kids are far away. It's like the island of the abandoned grandparents and singles, sadly. And if I live I'll be one of them. In the meantime, I enjoy their company while I can and vice versa; even if all of them don't know that I have a shorter than normal lifespan, I can relate well to the woes of 60 and 70 something year olds.

Foo Fighters were awesome and I expected nothing less. For a band that's been around for 20 some years they still have a true rock and roll presence and Dave Grohl is not shy about it. Along with the greatest hits, he even took a turn at drums for a cover of Under Pressure with his drummer singing along with the opening band's singer which was excellent. Best of all? The keyboard player starts with the Imagine (Lennon) intro for a good two minutes, then Grohl sings Van Halen's Jump to the tune with all of us singing along. Freaking smart and funny as hell.

Oh, and his daughter Violet was on stage as one of the backup singers. And she's only 12!

I should have seen them more often. The only other time I did was when they were on stage before and with Tom Petty at Amsterjam at 2007. They did not disappoint then, and still have that manic magic presence, so I'll keep an eye out for the next time they come around.

I really hope that if I make it to 60 or 70 I still have the desire to go to concerts, to get out of the house and do things. I'd settle for the same scenario now.

Well, I'm off to Jersey today for the family "birthday" party even though my birthday was back in May when I was on the cruise. Basically it's an excuse to see people I haven't seen since December since things have just been batshit crazy for me and for my family as well. Luckily there seems to be a small window when everyone's in decent health so we'll try to take advantage of it.

I'm creeping closer to 170 pounds and it's showing, so when I get back I'm going to have to really make an effort to at least drop 10 of them or it will be time to start buying new clothes again. And I REALLY hate to shop, so that might be some motivation. I'm watching the giant protests in London against Trump and it's rather heartening that those of us opposed to him in the US are not alone. This might be the darkest timeline but there's some light still around.

For now, I'm taking the weekend off, Foo Fighters on Monday night, and work as per normal hopefully.

I am a cynic and a pessimist. This I am highly aware of over many, many years and conversations, although I do have good reasons due to past experiences that most people never go through. I'm highly aware of how fragile life is and how little I truly care about mine, even though I do my best to help others.

It also makes it hard to go day to day, however. When you see the black side of life as the facts of life it interferes with motivation, desire, and simple joy that most people seem to hold. It's not about what you're looking forward to, it's what you're afraid is going to happen. So I live in fear. It took me a long time to realize this was the result of how I approach life but therapy has worked me towards looking at how badly this has impacted me.

The irony is that I'm actually very capable of dealing with unplanned changes and when pressure is on I actually am good at rising to the occasion. It's the anticipation, the uncertainty ahead of time, trying to plan for the worst always. Expecting the worst always.

Maybe that's what let me do what I did in high school working at the vets and assisting with euthanasia without any huge qualms. Even more so when I worked at the shelter in college and basically picked which cats lived or died due to overcrowding. Again when I was doing research and killing a hamster and removing its brain about once every two weeks. I've had so many people react with horror when I describe these jobs, but I just shrug. It was my job, so I did it. It's life, we saved the ones we could and killed the ones we couldn't in a humane fashion.

I guess what I'm saying is that this attitude prepares me much more for dealing with concrete decisions like euthanasia rather than working in a giant corporation where I feel like everything is out of my control. It's the stupid little stuff that gets to me, which makes me feel even more out of control and afraid. FML.

So I managed to get my shit together. Again. God this is tiring, back and forth and pretending, not sleeping and basically going back to half-assing it at work, but knowing I need this job so badly.

The Fourth of July happened and I also managed to keep my shit together then, which I'm rather proud of. Despite temps around 90, 95 heat index I dealt with my entire family. I only lost it near the end after the fireworks when I was tired, it was still desperately hot, I was streaming sweat and still had to get from the LES to the UES and go to work the next morning. Cranky would be the best descriptor, probably.

I'm watching the outside giant shitshow break in terms of trade wars which are specifically targeted at red states and will take a few months to drive home the point that this will hurt farms, car companies, building manufacturers that use nails, steel, etc. It's not what's necessarily happening now, but what can happen if this escalates. This could be recession territory and I've already worked through one of those. Do not need another, thanks.

Especially because when the layoffs come in this country for companies, they come fiercely and without warning. Colleagues I never got to say goodbye to, stress that caused a couple to literally die from stress and heart attacks, general pullbacks and benefit cutting at a time when they've already slashed our benefits and I need them now more than ever.

I'm honestly scared. I knew we (sort of) elected a giant asshole and idiot, but his "business sense" is absolutely horseshit and if unchecked he would probably manage to bankrupt the country like he has himself and his businesses. Congress for now is playing along, but I hope someday they manage to impose order on him the way they are supposed to, by acting as a check to him and not allowing him to divide the country, inflame allies, fellate dictators, and drive the economy into a ditch. Playing the bully and then caving like the coward he is while spinning it to the media as a success may have worked in a small corner of New York as a private businessman. It is NOT a way to run a country.

As for my personal circumstances, I can't imagine not voting for whichever candidate is closest to decoupling health insurance from a job (and yes, that includes socialized healthcare) because that is my, and many others, greatest need. Our country is sick in many ways, and this would be at least one facet of a remedy. There is positive progress to be made governmentally. I just don't see it now.