So I got thrown for a huge loop. I realized some of what I'd been repressing for years, which is that I was blamed for something completely out of my control, but was made to feel responsible. Over and over again, and there's no real recompense occurring. Ever.

No wonder I've been so willing to accept abuse and actively sought out pain. It was a way to validate the fact that I've been told so many times that I deserve everything I get and even that's not enough punishment. Really it just stacked one thing on top of another, so that the initial violation was only a starting point.

I need a lifetime to deal with this. I'll get 12 hours. Maybe. And even then I'll be wrung out and exhausted from the tears and anger, but this is life. I hope someday it hurts less, but today is not that day.