And it's official. We have my backup in India leaving as well as our TMT person in San Francisco (who gave notice today, even to my boss), both at the end of the week, along with 4 people in Buenos Aires. Hint to management: if your employees leave en masse over a year and you haven't done anything to address the growing resistance, frustration, and dysfunction, you'll be left with disgruntled or desperate employees.

I qualify as both although the disgruntled feeling is fading. I've been going into the "life sucks and you just deal until you can come out of it." I just wish I was in a position where I would have someone and something to fall back on instead of just knowing I'll do it myself. I always do though, since what choice do I have?

I just talked with a good friend and realized how much I missed this. Not forced connections in a group therapy setting or a sponsor relationship with AA, but a real connection with someone who understands me and my issues. I was lucky to find her while she was here in NY and wish with all my heart she was still here even though I know it was better for her to relocate.

Human connection seems trivial but is key to a healthy life; support is absolutely a necessity. I'm off to my sister's birthday dinner and will see how that goes, but I think maybe I have some energy to try again. Maybe.

I find myself wondering time and again if I'm heading for the "right thing" instead of knowing I'm heading for the "wrong thing." The choices seem transparent sometimes and other times are as clear as mud.

I'm referring to my potential job search. Do I want to turn my life upside down again only to fall into the same traps? Would it really be better somewhere else? Can I muster the initiative to do the rounds again in terms of finding something? I know I have a lot of leeway in certain ways where I am, but it was hard earned after 12 years, so starting again isn't something I would look forward to.

It's frustration, anger, fear, and apprehension whenever I think about it which makes me want to just retreat into my shell. There was a time when I was more open to change but I think that time has passed. If I go for another job it will be all out. I just have to make that decision.