Not shockingly, things did not go according to plan. The rehab was chaotic although at least it was in network this time around, and the dread of returning to my job hung heavy over my time off. So when I did go back to the city post-Christmas I drank enough to get hallucinations and had fallen and hit my head so I wasn't sure if it was that or the alcohol. Turns out it was the alcohol.

I realized that this is pretty much the end of this stage of my life, so in mid-January I finally managed to show up at work and resigned my position. Of course I cried when I told my boss since it was the end of thirteen and a half years at the job but things had crossed the line to intolerable years before. In the past five years I've been switched to eleven desks between two boroughs, been expected to shoulder three people's jobs, had our pay frozen and benefits fucked with, pension discontinued, and had no appreciable mobility to a better position in the company. He offered to re-hire me if I want to come back in the future but I don't think that's in the cards.

In short, I stayed too long and was cornered as costs rose. I felt paralyzed as my personal situation and the general situation deteriorated, yet was too afraid to make the changes I should have to put myself in a better position to move on. So now I get to do it with no income and relying on my parents to help out despite the fact that I'm 40 years old with major challenges facing me. I suppose it's a kind of penance for poor decision making skills.

Where will I land? I honestly don't know. If I get myself straightened out I still have a lot to offer any employer and some very specialized skills that I can definitely bring to bear in terms of finding a new job, but for now I need to take stock. I'm very scared that this will prove to be a mistake but I do hold out hope something positive can come of this. All I know for certain is that my next chapter will look very different from before.