I really have been less affected overall by this pandemic than others and know that I'm extraordinarily lucky. A long history of self-sabotage and self-hatred has stood me in oddly decent circumstances since I can accept the poor timing of my exit from my job, the reality that I'm not a special or unique snowflake, and that doing the best I can right now is okay. In many ways I'm sitting back with my hobbies, resting, and watching my family like a sociological experiment.

My sister's entering the freakout phase where she literally won't set foot inside any building except my parents or my aunt's houses, despite vowing originally that she wouldn't let this turn her into an (even more) insane germ freak. My aunt swings from Fox News' viewpoint ("I just need to get my hair done, why aren't they open!?") to reality ("I had a heart attack a year ago and am 80, my risk of dying is much higher than others if I get this virus.") so it's kind of fascinating to watch opposite impulses play out in real time.

My mom and dad are both in constant pain from tendinitis and cervical bone spurs, respectively, but they deal with it and each other out of nearly 50 years of the same dynamics playing out. It's a control tendency but one that they need since I think it gives them some strange sense of comfort in the same snipes over and over. The added aches and pains of aging just gives them another area to develop shorter fuses.

God knows I'm hardly perfect and I'm sure there are things that I do that drive them up a wall, but I try to offset that by baking for the family and helping with cooking.

I wish I had more profound things to say about this time period. I wish I had some educated theories about how society will evolve. But as I do get older and watch periods like this come and go, I realize more and more that things do not change in a positive direction. What is and what should be are two completely different ideals and maybe someday there will be reflections far more representative or helpful to all of us. I certainly hope that we at least rekindle some social responsibility in this country to feed the hungry, care for the sick, and ensure that all people feel safe and secure.

I think my family could use some of that reassurance right now along with many others.

Yes, it's been a long time since I wrote, but there's a reason. A silly, stupid, scared, human reason.

Many times I find myself embroiled in an overly personal reaction to a situation that is far larger than me and that I can't impact the way I'm yearning to. In this case, I feel trapped that I have to be living with my family again full time long after I should have been able to be on my own, and knowing that I have done what was best for me despite the cost, but wanting to cling to the vestiges of my independent life with the hope that someday I can resume being employed and with a healthier life separate from my parents.

At the same time I know I'm lucky as hell to have them supporting me through this and guilty that I put them in this position as well as obligated to at least hear out their solutions, no matter how impractical. Then I get angry that they somehow think jobs fall from the sky and I'll find the perfect situation when I know damn well that the majority of jobs that pay relatively well are in NYC, not southern NJ and that southern NJ is almost as expensive to live in as NYC, so we're back to the practicality argument. Just on different sides of it.

Then I feel overwhelmingly ashamed of my prior feelings and the guilt redoubles as I again find myself angry and resentful and it's just a giant loop that plays forever unless I actively cut the feedback.

Now all of this just seems petty and trivial as over a million people are dying or sick from coronavirus and I'm just being an asshole about the situation I put myself in, so hello additional shame and guilt. *sigh*

I've been just stuffing all of this down because I know now is not the time to address most of these things.  

I have so many more fears of the unknown future which doesn't look particularly bright, but for now I just have to keep sewing and baking to keep myself occupied without going crazy with what ifs. Try and be cautious about germs even though my natural reaction is to just go about my business and deal with illness when it occurs, instead of trying to time getting sick with hospital capacity.

However, there are far more important things in the world, and I just have to live without income or even unemployment and hope for the best. My parents won't let me starve or be homeless so the money is what it is, meaning I'm resigning myself to burning through 20+ years of savings as a very likely probability.

Most importantly though, I hope that my family and friends and I make it out alive when we get sick, which we inevitably will at some point. I hope that this ends up being the major wave of the virus and that it doesn't come back twice as strong in the fall. I have to hope that there are opportunities for me to have a better life and try to just deal with this moment in time.