Yes, it's been a long time since I wrote, but there's a reason. A silly, stupid, scared, human reason.
Many times I find myself embroiled in an overly personal reaction to a situation that is far larger than me and that I can't impact the way I'm yearning to. In this case, I feel trapped that I have to be living with my family again full time long after I should have been able to be on my own, and knowing that I have done what was best for me despite the cost, but wanting to cling to the vestiges of my independent life with the hope that someday I can resume being employed and with a healthier life separate from my parents.
At the same time I know I'm lucky as hell to have them supporting me through this and guilty that I put them in this position as well as obligated to at least hear out their solutions, no matter how impractical. Then I get angry that they somehow think jobs fall from the sky and I'll find the perfect situation when I know damn well that the majority of jobs that pay relatively well are in NYC, not southern NJ and that southern NJ is almost as expensive to live in as NYC, so we're back to the practicality argument. Just on different sides of it.
Then I feel overwhelmingly ashamed of my prior feelings and the guilt redoubles as I again find myself angry and resentful and it's just a giant loop that plays forever unless I actively cut the feedback.
Now all of this just seems petty and trivial as over a million people are dying or sick from coronavirus and I'm just being an asshole about the situation I put myself in, so hello additional shame and guilt. *sigh*
I've been just stuffing all of this down because I know now is not the time to address most of these things.
I have so many more fears of the unknown future which doesn't look particularly bright, but for now I just have to keep sewing and baking to keep myself occupied without going crazy with what ifs. Try and be cautious about germs even though my natural reaction is to just go about my business and deal with illness when it occurs, instead of trying to time getting sick with hospital capacity.
However, there are far more important things in the world, and I just have to live without income or even unemployment and hope for the best. My parents won't let me starve or be homeless so the money is what it is, meaning I'm resigning myself to burning through 20+ years of savings as a very likely probability.
Most importantly though, I hope that my family and friends and I make it out alive when we get sick, which we inevitably will at some point. I hope that this ends up being the major wave of the virus and that it doesn't come back twice as strong in the fall. I have to hope that there are opportunities for me to have a better life and try to just deal with this moment in time.
Many times I find myself embroiled in an overly personal reaction to a situation that is far larger than me and that I can't impact the way I'm yearning to. In this case, I feel trapped that I have to be living with my family again full time long after I should have been able to be on my own, and knowing that I have done what was best for me despite the cost, but wanting to cling to the vestiges of my independent life with the hope that someday I can resume being employed and with a healthier life separate from my parents.
At the same time I know I'm lucky as hell to have them supporting me through this and guilty that I put them in this position as well as obligated to at least hear out their solutions, no matter how impractical. Then I get angry that they somehow think jobs fall from the sky and I'll find the perfect situation when I know damn well that the majority of jobs that pay relatively well are in NYC, not southern NJ and that southern NJ is almost as expensive to live in as NYC, so we're back to the practicality argument. Just on different sides of it.
Then I feel overwhelmingly ashamed of my prior feelings and the guilt redoubles as I again find myself angry and resentful and it's just a giant loop that plays forever unless I actively cut the feedback.
Now all of this just seems petty and trivial as over a million people are dying or sick from coronavirus and I'm just being an asshole about the situation I put myself in, so hello additional shame and guilt. *sigh*
I've been just stuffing all of this down because I know now is not the time to address most of these things.
I have so many more fears of the unknown future which doesn't look particularly bright, but for now I just have to keep sewing and baking to keep myself occupied without going crazy with what ifs. Try and be cautious about germs even though my natural reaction is to just go about my business and deal with illness when it occurs, instead of trying to time getting sick with hospital capacity.
However, there are far more important things in the world, and I just have to live without income or even unemployment and hope for the best. My parents won't let me starve or be homeless so the money is what it is, meaning I'm resigning myself to burning through 20+ years of savings as a very likely probability.
Most importantly though, I hope that my family and friends and I make it out alive when we get sick, which we inevitably will at some point. I hope that this ends up being the major wave of the virus and that it doesn't come back twice as strong in the fall. I have to hope that there are opportunities for me to have a better life and try to just deal with this moment in time.
posted by AnonymousX at 11:48 PM
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