A good chunk of today was spent trying to update my permanent and billing address to my parents house. I'm sure I forgot a few accounts, but I covered the most important ones, so now it's just hoping mail  forwarding continues as requested for anything I missed. I've stated how I feel before about this huge step back in my life, and that hasn't changed, nor do I ever get to productively deal with this.

I miss the subway, the Christmas department store windows, the view of the Rockefeller tree from my office building. The plethora of restaurants in my neighborhood including the old Hungarian cafe, most of my coworkers, friends, and league nights playing pool. Masses of humanity all commuting and going about their lives and the brief interactions when you catch someone's eye or help out someone in need. The solitude and safety of my apartment and the comfort of my possessions.

NYC is a special place in every sense, the good, the bad, and the ugly, but I was at home there. I'm still working toward saying that here. Sometimes I can almost catch a glimpse of what it would be like to be content with NJ, but so far the feeling has been fleeting. I want to be home again.

Happy Thanksgiving! Well, technically the day after Thanksgiving at this time of night, but until I go to bed I consider it the same day. There is a lot to be thankful for and I know that. I'll keep trying to balance the current shitshow that is 2020 with the positive things in life, and that will have to be enough.

I'm lucky I have family and that they're mostly healthy. I'm lucky I'm partly healthy. I'm lucky we have enough money to put food on the table and not worry about it in the near future. I'm lucky that there is the probability of a vaccine and an incoming president that's organized enough to get it distributed.

I have a small owl figurine that says "Count Your Blessings" and that's as true today as it was when I got it, although the figurine itself is currently packed away in my storage unit. I hope that someday I have the chance to unpack that and display it again. As it says in the end of The Shawshank Redemption, I hope.

There are a lot of places I would like to see before I die, and while I'm hoping that a vaccine arrives post-haste I'm realizing that this step backward will make it almost impossible to ever reach those places. Even when I was still on the "correct" path of holding a regular job, getting raises, etc, either money or time was always missing. I could cheat on one or the other on the edges to accomplish some vacations, but it became more and more difficult as the wealth inequality gap widened and I was on the dwindling raises side.

Now that I'll be on an even lower wage scale probably for the rest of my life, what luxuries I could scrape up to travel will be gone. It makes me want to just plan an awesome trip and off myself when I get back. The trip of a lifetime, as it were. From what I'm reading I'm also far from alone in that viewpoint, as entire generations are realizing that what there is to look forward to is...well...not much.

Some part of me wants there to be something to strive towards that is actually attainable, wants the adage of rewards following working hard to be true, but most of human existence has proven to be brutish and short. It's less brutish from a relative perspective now, but more than anything else it's a struggle, most of which is simply not necessary but encouraged as a habit. A large part of me has decided that I have no struggle left, no fight in me. I'm tired, not physically, but mentally.

So I'll wait. Wait for a vaccine, wait for a job, wait for something worthwhile to come along again. At least I have the time now.

Today was better. I made a pineapple cranberry carrot spice cake, and will be baking a devil's food cake for my cousin-in-law's birthday on Tuesday and two pumpkin pies, one for us and one for a friend of my mother's for Thanksgiving. I will stay busy. I will sew. I will get through this.

Last night was the the last time I slept in my own bed, the one I bought in 2017 in NYC, not the one I'm currently occupying in my parents' house. Today it went into storage with the rest of my remaining belongings.

I may have lost a box in the move but was too tired and sore to do a thorough check of the truck since when I swung up to the truck bed I barely made it. Time has not been kind to my body, to say the least; I move like a 70 year old now.

Sure enough there have been the nightmares of other times in my life, the futility of my efforts so far, mine and others' lack of respect or pride in what I did accomplish before I lost it all.  I went out for a cigarette just now, looked up at the sky and superimposed on it was the ceiling of Grand Central. I look out to the bay and compare it to the view of the East River from Carl Schurz Park. I watch the news vistas from NYC and think of the sunsets, snowfalls, and city lights I've seen from my old office buildings.

Ithaca was my first safe haven, and when that period in my life was gone it was emphatically no longer a vision of comfort but a source of pain and regret. I hope I never feel that way about NYC but fear that I will.

I don't know when I'll be ok with this, or if I ever will. I'm no longer a New Yorker, with all of the attitude and resilience that identity brought with it. I'm no longer going to be in my chosen field, not that there's much left of that field now. Right now I've officially given up striving for a better life or any other sort of aspiration; I'm just too broken for that. I know with everything else going on in the world I have no reason to be this upset, but I am. Tonight I'll cry alone, tomorrow it's back to pretending everything's okay.

I ran into my neighbor outside tonight, and mentioned the upcoming  permanent move as well as the jolt it is going from city living to suburban life. I made it sound all well and good, cheaper and the right thing to do for now.

And then as I walked back inside I caught myself humming Tori Amos's "A Sort of Fairytale." Dammit, subconscious. You got me again.

I never thought Trump would go quietly if the vote didn't fall in his favor, but I also know that what he and his Congressional supporters are doing is going to create rifts in this country that will resist any effort Biden could put together to try and unite us. We've already seen the rampant misinformation that social media allows to spread. We've seen Senators like Lindsey Graham and House Reps like Kevin McCarthy not just toe the party line but dance across it spewing old and new lies like weird conspiracy fountains. Chuck Schumer is also no prize in this area. And then there's the Q-Anon nonsense; don't even get me started on that.

What is abundantly clear is that not only will people vote against their self-interests, but they will choose to amplify the ugliest sides of politics and fight vigorously against anyone who doesn't believe as they do. The memes and catchphrases are already starting that Biden is "not their president," meaning that they will continue trying to claim votes were made illegally or post the burned ballot photos being circulated as proof that the votes were rigged. That was a lie by the way, they were sample ballots being burned, as evidenced by no voter barcodes appearing on them.

Newsflash: shortly after a claim is made there are an army of fact-checkers out there that deem it true or false. Facts are not always easily found, but these people know their business and their reputation is at stake. They have no reason to skew to either side; they are looking for the actual story behind the story. Snopes and Daniel Dale are two of my favorite, thorough sources, and they also list half-truths and explain how they came to their judgments.

So please, Democrat, Republican, Independent, or apolitical, go to a generally trusted source(s) and find out where the truth is in relation to a statement. When that image, video, tweet, or article appears that makes your heart leap into your throat or stokes your gut anger at an outrage you're seeing, follow up. Who publishes it, and why is this news? Is it in context? Is it a doctored video or faked one? We are a better country than this. Please prove it.

Election nights are always interesting, although not often in the way that I hope. I remember Brexit particularly well, wondering what in the hell England was thinking and knowing it was a colossal mistake, but I had no voice in that vote. At least in the US I can offer my single vote and know that I've done everything possible; since 2002 I've voted religiously.

I lean Democrat according to NY and NJ where I've lived most of my life, but living in NC for two years was very illuminating as to how the redder parts of the country think, and my aunt and a couple of close friends are Republicans, so I'm often less flabbergasted by the general results than some of my family is. Yes, people vote against their self-interest. Yes, people are single-issue voters. The biggest conservative pull seems to be religion, and I've rarely seen any members of the congregation willing to buck what their pastor or minister has told them is the "correct" way to vote.

There was also a natural conservative bent in investment banks, not surprisingly, as those who live and die by money will do almost anything to keep it out of the hands of the (in their minds) unwashed masses. The amount of disdain held for people with disabilities or anything perceived as interfering with someone's functioning in life was unbelievable to me at first. Over time I just came to accept it and vowed never to be so callous to people's suffering.

I like to think that I can have cordial conversations with people of almost any political persuasion since I don't expect them to change their fundamental beliefs, and as long as I consider it just an exchange of ideas, debate works for me. Where I draw the line is when others are insulted that I don't want to change my beliefs to match theirs, at that point I will just withdraw from the conversation. I've spent most of my familial life being told I was doing things wrong if I deviated at all from the exact path they set and I have no desire to be in the same position in regards to my political opinions.

At least Thanksgiving is canceled this year because of COVID, so I won't have to avoid awkward dinner conversations from the Fox News contingent regardless of how the election turns out. If Trump is in for another four years it'll be a disaster, but you reap what you sow. Elect a clown, expect a circus - in this case expect the reality show Presidency to continue. If Biden wins it will still be a rough four years to repair the damage done with our allies. 

No matter who wins COVID will be around to stay, but for now I'll settle for no violence on the streets and hope that Dems and GOP learn to deal cordially with one another, even if they won't agree on the issues. As a country, we have the ability to be better than this divided nation. We just have to get there in a practical sense.