There are a lot of places I would like to see before I die, and while I'm hoping that a vaccine arrives post-haste I'm realizing that this step backward will make it almost impossible to ever reach those places. Even when I was still on the "correct" path of holding a regular job, getting raises, etc, either money or time was always missing. I could cheat on one or the other on the edges to accomplish some vacations, but it became more and more difficult as the wealth inequality gap widened and I was on the dwindling raises side.

Now that I'll be on an even lower wage scale probably for the rest of my life, what luxuries I could scrape up to travel will be gone. It makes me want to just plan an awesome trip and off myself when I get back. The trip of a lifetime, as it were. From what I'm reading I'm also far from alone in that viewpoint, as entire generations are realizing that what there is to look forward to is...well...not much.

Some part of me wants there to be something to strive towards that is actually attainable, wants the adage of rewards following working hard to be true, but most of human existence has proven to be brutish and short. It's less brutish from a relative perspective now, but more than anything else it's a struggle, most of which is simply not necessary but encouraged as a habit. A large part of me has decided that I have no struggle left, no fight in me. I'm tired, not physically, but mentally.

So I'll wait. Wait for a vaccine, wait for a job, wait for something worthwhile to come along again. At least I have the time now.