Merry Christmas Eve everyone! In the spirit of Fauci we're not doing much of anything for the holiday and the main meal will be Saturday because the weather's supposed to be awful tonight, so I just baked a gingerbread cake today and will decorate it tomorrow.

I'm procrastinating reading my sister's second book. She may be productive during this time but I'm immensely appreciating the lack of things to do which understandably led to butting heads. She goes zero to 100, whereas I chug along at a decent 35 if I'm lucky, but I promised her I'll start it after Christmas and before New Years so now I do actually have to put forth effort. It's not that I dislike her writing, but it has far too much sunshine in it for my taste, although if I was a random stranger who picked up the book I would probably like her first one.

For many people this year has been a valuable time to accomplish things they wouldn't have gotten to otherwise. For me it's been a resolution of 15 years of burnout. That's enough of a Christmas present for me.

This year we made a conscious effort to curtail our traditional cookie baking, since neither my sister nor I have workplaces to share them with and even our family gatherings are immediate members only, but we still had a ton of fun (or at least I did), and we're already halfway through eating them. Maybe for others eating is the best thing, but I love the whole tradition: Christmas music on the stereo, spending the night at my aunt's (one night when we're busy is no problem), and with my recent forays into baking much, MUCH more than I ever have, applying the new techniques to old recipes was fun for me as well.

More than ever I'm trying to enjoy the little things since I'm not obsessing over when I can get back to my apartment and start drinking, or address that problem at work that I came up with a new idea for, or being consumed by the dysfunction of my workplace and angry at the callous way we're treated and expected to say "Thank you sir, may I have another?"

*sigh* Ok, so I obviously still get angry when I think of my previous job. It's why I haven't even tried to ask for it back, even though I have an open invitation. I just don't think I could plunge myself into that situation and not self-destruct again.

Back to the little things, we went to the cemetery where my grandparents and aunt and uncle are buried to place Christmas crosses on the graves, which normally I could never have done traveling from NYC. I can participate in life here in a very different way. I think it's the suburban paradigm that has been missing from my life since I graduated high school and it's good to know it's still here if I choose this route.

Most of the day was spent writing out Christmas cards. I've narrowed down my list from what it once was, or relatives have died, so I only have 23 ready to go. There's the usual hope you're happy and healthy phrase which took on a macabre tinge this year, and I settled on what an "interesting" year it's been since I didn't really feel comfortable starting with "WELL 2020 WAS QUITE THE SHITSHOW!!!!!" even though it's really what I meant.

If I'd planned ahead I could have ordered or made "You survived 2020, congratulations" keepsakes.

I actually meant the second part in the cards though, where 2021 seems to be far more promising. We have vaccines, and I trust Biden far more to shepherd the distribution chain since he knows how government and the military can augment each others' weaknesses. We'll have a coherent national strategy for the first time which might give the population, particularly in the Midwest, a fighting chance to keep cases and deaths at a lower level (we've missed the window of complete suppression). 

And with vaccination there's also a chance of getting a job again and interacting with the public. I hope there will be some form of career path but that's not even a dealbreaker; I have to start thinking about just making money for health insurance and other necessities once unemployment runs out. 

I'm trying not to obsess over it since I know a lot of job hunting is out of my hands, and I know how long job searches can be, but you have to start somewhere. I still have nightmares, but I don't think those are ever leaving me. Some things you just have to endure, and wish others better luck with their peace of mind and current situations.