And it's 2021! Yay? I have no idea what's in store for me, which on a very deep level bothers me constantly. I'm one of those people who reads the end of a book before buying it so I'll know if I like the ending. Whenever that little parlor game of "Would you want to know exactly when you're doing to die?" occurs I always say yes. In fact, if I could I would scream it to the heavens since then I could plan SO MUCH BETTER for the rest of my life.

Part of last year was preparing for my big switch in life. I knew the time at my job had drawn to a close. I had been meaning to prepare a will and advanced directive so I had the appointments set up to get something on paper finally. The apartment was up in the air as to whether I would stay in NYC or leave but that decision has now been made.

2020 was letting go. Letting go of my worst vices, my best accomplishments, my sense of self, and my pride. I'm still working on trying to let go of my monetary expectations since I've also realized that on that same deep level I'm terrified of being poor, even though I've never had to live through a truly monetarily deprived time in my life.

I'm still struggling a lot in many different aspects of my life, and none of them are likely to change drastically in 2021. A gradual improvement is all that I can plan for, but I will be far less likely to let my job take advantage of my capacity for quality work. Simply because I can doesn't mean that I should, nor should I be guilted into it, taken advantage of, or belittled after the task is done. That statement also applies to my family and the dysfunction that can suck me in if I let it. 

If worst comes to worst I can always emulate Snow Crash and go live in my storage unit (not really, but the $200/mo price tag is attractive).

I don't do New Years resolutions and haven't in many years, but it's time to at least start a list to map out a basic plan. One positive of having my own life for so many years is that I have learned I am strong. I can rely on myself to do most of the things required to better my situation even if finding the energy and motivation can be challenging. But no matter what was drilled into me as a child and being back here again, I don't always make the wrong decisions just because it's not what they would have done. I have an amazing range of skills and capabilities and I deserve to be appreciated for those things.

Most of all I'll take that into 2021.