Until last year I've never played the lottery other than an occasional scratch-off for the entertainment value. Now I pick up a couple of tickets here and there when I stop for gas or cigarettes, but mentally I know it's more than a fleeting fancy. I've always said that the lottery was a sucker's bet since the odds are astronomically high and it's basically a waste of money. That I'm now choosing to throw money away there means it's one of the many signs that I've given up on ever making a decent salary again, of possibly affording retirement or home ownership, or even affording an apartment here. It's a sign of desperation.

People are speaking of all the things they intend to pick up again once vaccinations are much more common, and the opportunities that seem to be lying in wait for them. I wish I felt that way. I'm part of a dying profession; it's time to face that and know that I'll never really be able to use the skills I have in a meaningful way like the researching part of my former job. I won't go back to school since there is no four year degree where I could realistically compete at 45 with the 22 year olds who would be my so-called peers. They are younger, faster, and infinitely more tech-savvy than I am, and I don't have the physical or mental reserves left to compete on those levels.

Whatever connections I had were left in the city, and being a natural introvert and an alcoholic for the past 10 years means that I was also avoiding networking like the plague, so a job falling in my lap is highly to completely unlikely. I know no one down here to help with any new direction either.

Where does that leave me? Pretty desperate, hence the lottery. I figure that infinitesimal chance of winning is better than what faces me right now. This coming Tuesday is my "official" immunity day, aka two weeks after my second shot, so I suppose it's time to start applying for cashier jobs. I may not get those either, since I might be judged as too qualified, but it's about all I can hope for.