Life has a certain way of coming at you whether you're ready or not. My mother is best retirement friends with another woman here, and the two couples hang out quite often. I've been over there multiple times, sewed and baked them presents, and they were the only face to face non-family contact I've had over the course of the pandemic. The last time we saw them was Memorial Day, hanging out in their backyard on the new patio and ordering pizza. I baked a blueberry-cherry lattice pie for all of us to share for dessert.

This past Saturday her husband went into the backyard while she was out, called 911 so she wouldn't be the one to find him, and shot himself.

Yes, he'd been having some health problems, but they would have improved over the next few months or so. He also was an retired cop, which is why he had a gun, and he seemed a little down over Memorial Day. I hugged him and said "Hang in there" to both of them as we left. I guess he couldn't hang on any longer, though.

I'm sad for him, and upset that his wife has to go through this now. The shock of him being gone and living with the fact that he killed himself. The arrangements. The sorrow that will take years to fade. They had booked a cruise together for 2023 last Monday. The inevitable second guessing of what could have been done, if only... I hope the if onlys and what ifs will be passing thoughts, not endless repetitions.

Being well-acquainted with suicidal thoughts I've been more accepting of this as his choice, though I would never voice this to his wife, nor to my family, as they cling to life with both hands so tightly. In his case from a purely physical standpoint of what I know of his health, I don't agree that this was inevitable. But I don't know much about his mental state. 

If he was in extreme mental pain it can absolutely make sense. It was premeditated, since he ensured the police would arrive before she returned home. He knew that his final wishes were taken care of. I don't think he spoke to anyone directly beforehand or left a note, but he probably would have if he felt something was unfinished or unclear. A gun hastens the process but it obviously wasn't out of the blue.

I hope that he has found peace and wouldn't regret his decision if he had to choose again. More than anything I hope his wife will adjust and cope as best as is possible. She's strong, but anyone would have a difficult time with this. We went to see her yesterday evening and various friends and family have been with her almost constantly; we'll be at the funeral and around afterwards to help support her, but seeing the fallout from suicide reminds me again how glad I am that I haven't gone through with it. Not for myself, but for my family and friends.