Over the past decade I feel like I've covered a lifetime's worth of experiences from the most exhilarating successes to crushing failures that placed me on the edge of death. Despite all of it, the biggest takeaway I found is that I am resilient. I can be knocked down over and over, and there are times when I break as I fall, but I've always been able to pick up the pieces, fit them back together, and get on with life as it is in that moment. It's never the way I want it to be, nor the way I'm told by society it should be, but the misshapen parts that remain somehow fit back into a new whole.

Is it wrong to want to take a break from that? To finally cede some of that control and loneliness, let go of dreams and aspirations, and just accept the bare minimum from life? I think that's why it's so difficult for me to pretend I'm 22 again and drive myself to distraction working every possible angle to find another position that could restart my career here in NJ; I've already been there, done that in NYC and the results weren't worth it. 

It's natural to be more risk-averse as you age, and since I've ended up in such dark places in the past from giving literally everything at the altar of capitalism I'm incredibly afraid to chance it all over again. At some point resilience wanes and every time you fall apart it takes longer to recover, so the risk becomes more than the reward. I'll continue looking online at job boards. I'll still do any interviews that come my way and give it my best shot. But for now, I think that's all the effort I can afford to give.