About a year and a half ago I posted about the student debt situation and how many flaws there are in the system, so on Wednesday I was extremely happy with the news that at least $10,000, and up to $20,000 for Pell recipients, will be forgiven! No, it doesn't address the cause of the crisis in terms of exorbitant costs for college, nor does it substantially help those who have tens of thousands still outstanding, but my god, something is better than nothing. It's a lot like the ACA/Obamacare in that regard. Health care plans are still really expensive and insurance companies are still allowed to perform daily highway robberies on the population in exchange for lifesaving care which should be a basic right, but at least with the ACA you have a possibility for non-employer health insurance instead of automatic medical bankruptcy. It's a step in the right direction, even if it doesn't cross the finish line, or even cover more than a mile in the marathon.

Most of all I think about when I paid off my student loan in 2013. It was SUCH a relief to know that chapter was closed, and allowed me to focus more on retirement and the future of my money instead of paying for the past. There are a lot of younger people across the country who had $10,000 or less in loans left simultaneously experiencing that feeling for the first time, and that has brought a smile to my face every time I think of it this week. 

I know there are many people who are completely against the idea of any loan forgiveness. There are a lot of others angry that $50,000 wasn't forgiven, or think that all student loans should have been forgiven, but realistically that was never going to happen. I'm a little angry that the focus has been 100% on the loan forgiveness/restructuring without addressing needlessly inflated tuition and the disappearance of state subsidies, but considering where this country is and the deep problems we face in so many aspects of our society I hope that Biden has a few more tricks up his sleeve. The other pieces may be addressed eventually, but government takes an incredible amount of time for changes to percolate through the bureaucracy, so I may be pleasantly surprised in the future. I certainly hope that I will be.

I can't believe it's the end of August already. Mostly I don't mind, since I'm beyond ready to put this chapter of my life behind me. I will always be grateful for my parents helping me and allowing me to live here while I rebuilt my health and a semblance of a sober life, but it's coming up on three years. That's a really long time to live in limbo, the pandemic definitely delayed me about an extra year since I wasn't applying for jobs until mid-2021, but three years is more time than I spent in grad school ffs.

I really don't know how my sister is okay with her situation. She hasn't lived on her own (as in signed a lease anywhere) since 2013, and basically bounces between here, our aunt's, and hotels if she's on a consulting job. Work dried up for her as well, but she doesn't seem too eager to get back into the working world, probably because she made some money in Bitcoin, but also because she doesn't pay rent. Nothing lights a fire under your ass more than actually owing money and not having the means to procure said money, as I have found out. I had savings, but it was mentally painful to breach that formerly pristine wall once unemployment ran out. 

But nine years of never having my own space and privacy would flat out drive me crazy. I guess for her the trade-off of no responsibility, chores, or money paid makes that worthwhile. I'm just waiting until I move out and she has to clean our (now her) bathroom - mom had a lady come in once a month pre-pandemic but since I moved here I've taken care of it, so she may have to pick up a sponge and toilet brush, and I will be laughing my ass off at her disgust. Especially after cleaning up after her for three years.

Another week down, and I still look forward to work on Mondays, which is such a miracle that I can't properly express how happy I am about that fact. I do wonder if I'll lose some of that anticipation when I move out, since here it's a convenient way to ignore the dysfunction and just focus on something where I can make a positive difference to the bankers and the department instead of feeling like I'm just hiding from interactions. Hopefully I'll enjoy living alone again enough that I will treasure time off as equal value instead of killing time until I can get back to work.

My dad's healing slowly, and Monday he goes back to UPenn to get his checkup with the surgeon and get answers to his questions about why this hip replacement was such a rough road. Ultimately, he may never get to 100% and be able to dance like he wants to, but he will be able to walk without pain for the first time in probably five years. In my book, that alone would make this all worthwhile, but I come at things from a different perspective. I hated that I was never 100% after my surgeries when I was 20 years old, and it took a lot of time and working through what my new reality was and how cheated I felt before I finally accepted it. I hope someday he'll get there too, but until then I'll let the doctor field his questions and take his anger, since he's not ready to hear that not being perfect is completely okay.

All of it's pretty raw for him right now; it's been a rough five years and he's realizing just how much aging can suck for your body, but now he's out of hips to replace at least. And he is healthy for his age, so maybe this will be the last go-round with surgery for a while.

So my dad had the surgery, and things went...ok. He had some weird reactions to the anesthesia and a tough recovery so far, especially since he was betting on this anterior surgery to be less painful then the posterior one and is majorly disappointed that it isn't working out that way. Overall though, every day he is getting better and it's not like he has to be back at work by a certain date or anything, so he has as much time as he needs to heal.

The yelling has been a little less this time around, partly because I am completely distancing myself from it during the week and leaving my sister to handle things. She's not the best choice because of her naturally high anxiety and hatred of medical issues, but my mom behaves herself better with her, so I leave them to it and help my dad directly when I can, since I know he'll accept help from me where he wouldn't with them. I do feel a little guilty about it, but dysfunctional family dynamics breed this kind of avoidance behavior so I know where it's coming from.

I've called the apartment complexes I'm interested in and neither have anything ready right now, but the complex I lived in during 2004-2005 said they already have some vacancies and the apartments just need to be renovated before re-leasing. Next month I'm definitely hoping that by September I can lock in a price and a place and set a move date for mid-Sept-mid-Oct depending on maintenance's ability to have the apartment ready. The other complex is charging $400-600 a month more(!) for no apparent reason for a 1br, no w/d in unit, and no balcony, so screw them, they're a far second choice at this point.

I'm still somewhat conflicted about moving back to the exact same place I was in 17 years ago, but I have to just resign myself to occasional unpleasant dreams about it and not fall into the what-ifs that are always simmering under the surface. I've felt like there's a cauldron of what-ifs simmering for the past couple of years and without the ability to drown them in alcohol it just completely sucks. I need a therapist and I know the waitlist is really long right now, but once I've moved I want to find the time and motivation to set up an appointment finally and maybe I can address these resentments and regrets before they boil over.

I just hope my dad continues to improve. After a month or two he may be back to baseline and I can be confident that I can move out without taking away help that they need.