So my dad had the surgery, and things went...ok. He had some weird reactions to the anesthesia and a tough recovery so far, especially since he was betting on this anterior surgery to be less painful then the posterior one and is majorly disappointed that it isn't working out that way. Overall though, every day he is getting better and it's not like he has to be back at work by a certain date or anything, so he has as much time as he needs to heal.

The yelling has been a little less this time around, partly because I am completely distancing myself from it during the week and leaving my sister to handle things. She's not the best choice because of her naturally high anxiety and hatred of medical issues, but my mom behaves herself better with her, so I leave them to it and help my dad directly when I can, since I know he'll accept help from me where he wouldn't with them. I do feel a little guilty about it, but dysfunctional family dynamics breed this kind of avoidance behavior so I know where it's coming from.

I've called the apartment complexes I'm interested in and neither have anything ready right now, but the complex I lived in during 2004-2005 said they already have some vacancies and the apartments just need to be renovated before re-leasing. Next month I'm definitely hoping that by September I can lock in a price and a place and set a move date for mid-Sept-mid-Oct depending on maintenance's ability to have the apartment ready. The other complex is charging $400-600 a month more(!) for no apparent reason for a 1br, no w/d in unit, and no balcony, so screw them, they're a far second choice at this point.

I'm still somewhat conflicted about moving back to the exact same place I was in 17 years ago, but I have to just resign myself to occasional unpleasant dreams about it and not fall into the what-ifs that are always simmering under the surface. I've felt like there's a cauldron of what-ifs simmering for the past couple of years and without the ability to drown them in alcohol it just completely sucks. I need a therapist and I know the waitlist is really long right now, but once I've moved I want to find the time and motivation to set up an appointment finally and maybe I can address these resentments and regrets before they boil over.

I just hope my dad continues to improve. After a month or two he may be back to baseline and I can be confident that I can move out without taking away help that they need.