I'm back in the waiting stage. I called the realtor for an update as it had been about 3 weeks and I hadn't heard anything, and she said there is a second floor apartment that they have to rehab but it should be ready in about a month. She even mentioned the number, so I drove to the complex on Saturday to see exactly where it is.

Balcony - check. South-facing - check. It's even a corner apartment so there should be more light which is perfect. Also a plus is that when I called it sounded like I was first on the list so my odds are good. I just have to have patience. I've been here three years, I can make it another month!

Aargh, where did the weekend go? It seems like I blinked and it was gone, and although I was productive I feel like I don't have enough time for all of my hobbies in addition to the basics of catching up on errands. I keep reminding myself that this was normal, I lived this way for 15 years of my life prior to this, and that I will always resent it on some level, but it's better than unemployment!

Among the other things I don't miss? Dreaming. One of the best things about drinking every night was that I didn't remember most of my dreams, and the ones I did had the volume turned way down. Now that I've been sober about three years I've just been dealing with the nightmares, and they have decreased compared to what they were in my early 20's, but god, I hate it. It sucks out emotional and physical energy that I should be getting through sleep and makes the days that much harder.

Oh well, so be it. Time to get ready for another likely crazy week at work and carve out a time to call the real estate agent and see if there's any word on a second floor apartment opening up. It's been a month and a bit since I saw the first one and I at least need an update. Goals for the week. I can do this.

On the positive side, I think I had about an hour of downtime this week since the queue was so busy. On the really positive side, I managed to figure out three different ways to search databases I had never tried in that exact way before and therefore answer the bankers' questions almost perfectly when no one else had any idea how to do so.

I love that even with 14 years of experience in this job, I am still pushing the boundaries and coming up with creative ways to approach problems. Whether I'm recognized for this ability still remains to be seen at SIB, but it can't be worse than at LIB. Knowing and doing more there was appreciated within the group, but it was never rewarded except with more work when we were already ridiculously overburdened. Despite my best efforts, I always felt like a failure when things went unanswered for 24 hours because we simply didn't have the staff to get to them. When I could get to them it was to turn things around as quickly as possible which meant sticking to what you knew and sending results knowing that at least something was better than the nothing the banker would receive otherwise. There was no time to play around, and the constant pressure also kept me so burned out that I didn't have the mental capacity to learn something new.

Now, even though the night shift is sometimes similar to the LIB pattern as I'm the only full researcher on so I have to field things incompletely to get to everyone in the queue, during the first half of my shift I can take those questions that I'm not sure about how to get the answer and figure out something new. And I can't express how happy I am about that opportunity! Even better, I know that I retain what I learn very well compared to others so I'll remember a year or two down the line where I found that answer and be able to come back to the correct place.

I never thought that my job would be the brightest spot in my life ever again, but here we are. It's good to not feel like a failure on a daily basis for not fixing an impossible situation, and the personal enrichment is just an extra plus.

On Friday I get a call from the real estate agent and she's like oh, I think I remember you wanted a second floor apartment, and this is a ground floor one. Um yes. I like to keep my windows open through the night when the weather permits, and as a single girl I want the safety of a second floor apartment so I can do that. I was already window-burglarized in NYC off the fire escape at the back of the building facing a closed courtyard and I have no desire to relive that experience. This complex has no fire escapes, so unless someone's climbing down a rope they ain't getting in the second floor windows. It's perfect.

So the appointment was cancelled and instead of possibly signing a lease I went food shopping for the household, baked my mom's birthday cake and meringue cookies, and took a walk around the neighborhood. Tomorrow's her birthday so the timing worked out, but I'm honestly quite bummed that I'm still facing no firm move out date. I know life is a series of leaps into the unknown but dammit, sometimes staying where you are just doesn't feel right.

This may be it! A one bedroom is coming open, I think it's a south or east facing apartment with a balcony, my credit pre-screening has gone through, and I'm going on Saturday morning to see it. It was basically implied that if I like it, it's mine so I'll be appearing with all of my documents and I've arranged for enough money to be transferred that I can literally sign that day. Apartment hunting in NYC has prepared me for exactly this situation where you see the apartment for 15 minutes, if it's a yes you proceed directly to the broker's office, present proof of assets, and fork over thousands of dollars for first, last, security, and broker's fee, then hope and pray for a yes a day or two later. No time to sleep on it or compare other apartments - just yes or no right now.

I'm nervous since of course this means packing up my shit again and moving into an apartment where I'll have nowhere to sit or work as I don't own a table, couch, or chairs, but I have a bed and I'll make the rest work. Yes, I'm older and definitely not as mentally (or physically) flexible as I used to be but I can do this. Temporarily I'll be using my old car (my parent's second car now) so procuring new wheels for either them or me is up next on the list, but if push comes to shove I'm walking distance from a Whole Foods and Acme so I can technically get by without a car if necessary.

Sunday is my mom's birthday as well so I'll have to swing by the grocery store on the way back from the apartment and bake her cake Saturday when I get home, but at least I'm covered on a gift and card already. I can feel anxiety creeping in but I'm relying on my old habit of ruthlessly quashing it until it explodes at some point in the future, hopefully after the move is done and I can just freak out alone in my new apartment.

Until then I will just keep deep breathing and repeating "I can do this."