The interns are gone, thank god, and it's a bit better. I need to remind myself that maybe I didn't end up where I saw myself in life, but what I have is pretty good anyway. I also am getting into the habit of being ok leaving things for the next shift, even if that means it's 4 hours away. I got so used to things running 24/7 at LIB where there was no gap in coverage (although gap in abilities existed between offshore/onshore) that when I was done I just left. Not to mention that there were always like, 100 requests waiting anyway so you could never catch up. At least at SIB we don't run a deficit like that.

Again, the key is reminding myself that this is better, any stress is stress I'm putting on myself, and that it's ok to not be perfect.

Originally I was going to be a veterinarian. I worked in stables, vet practices, and on farms from 16 years old and onward, got my Bachelors in Animal Science from Cornell, took the VCAT and was waitlisted at 2 vet schools (since NJ sucks and doesn't have a vet school of their own). I had all of the credentials and then balked at the price tab (about 200K even back in the early 2000s). I did everything "right" but it would require relocating for at least 2 years to acquire residency in the states and then applying again to lower the price tag. 

I hate that I feel like I failed. Even though I've made a career as a librarian, and was lucky enough to get a scholarship for my degree it was an uphill battle when I had mono (twice!-CMV and EBV) during my second year and barely made it out. I feel like I've always had to struggle just to make the basics work. I'm tired of it. Tired of trying so many times and just barely making do. Tired of the pain, the struggle. I'll continue because that's just what I've learned over time and have built some resilience, but when I called out of my job for two days my boss gave me a hard time. 

Because he can't make my colleague step up to take up my share of the work. I'm trying not to be bitter, but it's hard since I know the dynamics and why I'm being put on the spot. How is it that I can not call out last minute because I'm breaking down mentally but that they rely on me that much? I'm repeating patterns from when I worked for LIB and I CANNOT do that again. It's time to step back again.

I had my first surgery in 2000, followed by two more since they botched the initial appendix removal, and then two hernia repairs in 2001. Since then I've had recurring pain and still have it to this day, although the gabapentin helps. But for 10+ years I asked for help and was told there was nothing they could do except go back in and cause more scar tissue. For YEARS I asked, and finally it's being recognized as a common problem.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3546123/

OMG, I'm not insane or imagining it or anything else I've been told when I asked for help. I'm not happy that it's finally become so common that others experience this because IT FUCKING HURTS, but at least there's some recognition of it.

The hernia is also something so painful even after surgery for so many patients they've published articles on it:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5896652/

The appendix is a whole other issue and it's rarer to cause pain but I have sobbed on the NYC subway when commuting to Brooklyn with a computer backpack that I couldn't stand pulling on my abdominal scar tissue anymore and had to crouch down by the door to relieve the pain just trying to get to work (pre-gabapentin). I have tried to work through this trauma, but dammit, I'm crying again, even though I'm glad it's finally been recognized as a fairly common condition for the hernias at least. 

Maybe someday they will actually believe patients when we report pain and not assume (especially for women) that we're just being dramatic. Trust me, women deal with pain on a regular basis with our periods, and we learn to ignore it. If we say we hurt, WE HURT.

 I've reached the point where I'm fine with getting older. I started graying about 10 years ago, and had a bookmark posted on a corkboard since I was about 25 saying "I surrender my youth gracefully - I have outgrown it." I finally reached the point where I was okay with that statement about five years prior, and while I'm grateful for having young experiences, I really wouldn't want to go back to my 20s.

And yet, yesterday I dyed my hair for the first time to cover up my grays. It was more out of curiosity in terms of how it would look, as well as that I've started to go Bride of Frankenstein (graying most at the temples like my mom did), so I felt like I should give it a try to see what I think. 

All day I've stopped at the mirror going "OMG, is that me?" I don't think it's a better look exactly, but if I ever have to job hunt again (please no!) I think I will do this just to make myself look younger. Oddly enough I like my gray hairs since they really are coming in white/silver and I think that when I'm old they'll be perfectly fine. For now though it's a nice change and I can decide whether to keep it up depending on how fast it washes out.