Originally I was going to be a veterinarian. I worked in stables, vet practices, and on farms from 16 years old and onward, got my Bachelors in Animal Science from Cornell, took the VCAT and was waitlisted at 2 vet schools (since NJ sucks and doesn't have a vet school of their own). I had all of the credentials and then balked at the price tab (about 200K even back in the early 2000s). I did everything "right" but it would require relocating for at least 2 years to acquire residency in the states and then applying again to lower the price tag. 

I hate that I feel like I failed. Even though I've made a career as a librarian, and was lucky enough to get a scholarship for my degree it was an uphill battle when I had mono (twice!-CMV and EBV) during my second year and barely made it out. I feel like I've always had to struggle just to make the basics work. I'm tired of it. Tired of trying so many times and just barely making do. Tired of the pain, the struggle. I'll continue because that's just what I've learned over time and have built some resilience, but when I called out of my job for two days my boss gave me a hard time. 

Because he can't make my colleague step up to take up my share of the work. I'm trying not to be bitter, but it's hard since I know the dynamics and why I'm being put on the spot. How is it that I can not call out last minute because I'm breaking down mentally but that they rely on me that much? I'm repeating patterns from when I worked for LIB and I CANNOT do that again. It's time to step back again.