Furniture was delivered, and that was great.

But then I was watching TV and there was an ad for RWJ Barnabas hospitals. They happened to show a cardiovascular patient hugging a heart shaped pillow to their chest and holy shit, PTSD kicked in. After my botched surgeries in 2000 that hospital (not RWJ Barnabas) gave one to me to hold to my abdomen to help the horrible pain when I coughed. Which I would do on the regular because I'd been on a ventilator for 13 hours which impacted my lungs to the point where they had a respiratory therapist come in to do albutorol treatments (also because I almost died from blood loss which didn't help since my body had just had enough at that point).

I haven't visualized that in years, since I try to put it out of my mind. I really wish there was something that would let me forget that, but it hasn't happened yet. I've told my therapists about it but none of them have had training in medical PTSD since it's a fairly specific area. But I was back there. And reliving it. And I came out of it shaking and crying. And it's been 23 years but still I have that memory and feeling which will probably stay with me forever, along with the other trauma from those health crises that I Just. Can't. Shake.

What do you do with trauma that won't go away? I don't know. But I wish I did. And I hate that is all happened over an image of a stupid heart pillow.