I needed this weekend to just reset. Stayed in pajamas and did nothing family-related, and it has helped. It's not perfect and I'm not back to 100%, but it is a marked improvement.

It's been hard, and I'm crying every night after logging out of work. I keep trying though and working every day even though I'm generally a giant mess.

I spent the past weekend with my sister even though it stretched me to the breaking point. I just can't expend any more emotional energy.

 I feel guilty that I'm not helping more with my aunt, but then I remind myself that I'm working full time. My sister's contract has ended at her job so she's now unemployed again, and not only that, she has used:

1) Moving from Pittsburgh to NYC (back in 2007) and storing boxes in my aunt's basement from Los Angeles (back in 2005) which are still there since she never moved anything out.

2) Having lived there temporarily when she started her job in NYC and still taking up closet space (also since 2007) and never doing anything about it.

3) Leaving a shit ton of stuff there including expired supplements, etc to the point where mice came into my aunt's place to eat some of it and she was so grossed out by it she did, well, nothing except make my aunt hire an exterminator and refuse to deal with it.

She has shown no sign of going back to help despite my aunt's definite need. I can't unless I relocate my computers etc so I can work from there which I will do if I have to, but she should do SOMETHING at some point.

I also know she won't. She will put it on my parents and won't realize that she owes anything, or take responsibility. Because she hasn't in about 12 years, ever since she had curable breast cancer, and there has been no consequences since no one calls her to task. When I've tried, years ago, I was attacked by my mom for making her cry, which is always her out. Never mind that I have sacrificed more, and almost died more times, and moved forward nonetheless, but hey, I'm sort of ok with that. Because I have to be, and I know that it hurts but I can take it. It's what I do.

What I need is to see her step up for a change and help where she can, even if it crimps her style of doing what she wants when she wants. It's not about you, it's about what you can do to help those who have helped you over the years. I'm still fucking angry about it since it's always been this way though. Why is my suffering worth less than hers? I've never had an answer to that, and probably never will.

 It's eclipse day! We originally had reservations in Rochester, but with my aunt being sick and the weather forecast for mostly cloudy up there we canceled and I'm just going to drive down to my parents and watch it from there. It's about 80% coverage here in Jersey so it should still be a pretty dramatic event :).

Between the earthquake (4.8) on Friday, and the eclipse I know people are saying it's the end of times, God is angry, etc. For me, it's just exciting to see and feel so much happening. Natural phenomenons are something that you just experience as they occur, and there's no reasons for them. I see it much as I do the national parks; did someone create the Yellowstone geysers, the Grand Canyon, Bryce needle rocks, the Painted Desert? Nature is its own force and can be immensely powerful. We just watch and admire when we can.

 Not surprisingly, my aunt managed to piss off every nurse on her hospital floor, as she has for almost everyone in the family. According to my parents, who have been there most of the time, she vacillated between being cooperative and shouting at the nurses about not taking proper care of her. *sigh* We're not surprised, but she tried to check out AMA at least twice that I know about, to the point where they ordered a psych exam for that to occur for her to leave without oxygen since, you know, she would die.

Having been a patient many (many) times over the years, there are things to be alarmed about. Literally "I can't breathe because my oxygen is in the 60s and I need someone now." "I'm having sepsis reaction." "I'm internally bleeding to death and my hematocrit is 15." All of these qualify for an emergency reaction by nurses and if I hadn't gotten it I would be dead. I was probably a bit harsh occasionally since they originally saw me as young and dramatic until they saw my stats and went OMG themselves. But verbally abusing nurses because they weren't putting me as their #1 priority or doing what I wanted because I was uncomfortable or that I was angry that I was sick is just...foreign to me.

She is home now, and my dad (her brother) is with her now to get her settled with oxygen and get home care set up. It was probably partly her attitude and her usual insistence of going home that led to it, but we'll see how it goes. She lives in a two story house with laundry in the basement and I doubt she's in any state to go downstairs to do laundry, or upstairs to her bedroom so hopefully she'll just stay on the main level and have caretakers do the rest (ha, as if!).

I don't know. We can't caution or control her since she won't listen to anyone including family, and she's difficult at the best of times. This is certainly not the best of times and only the beginning if she gets the valve replacement and stents, and she's an hour and a half north of where we live. We've tried to convince her to sell the house and move down here for about 10 years, but it's talking to a brick wall, and she's alienated the family left up north so that's not an option either.

They've only given her 3-5 years even if she gets the procedures, and I don't want those to be angry, bitter, and combative years, but that seems to be the path she's chosen. She's lucky that she's lived as long as she has without prior major medical issues, but she doesn't seem to internalize that, and only sees it as some weird sort of failure on her part instead of natural aging and consequences thereof. I guess maybe I'm lucky that I almost died at 20 so I know what it's like to be that ill, and if you make it out, great. If not, well, that's the way it goes, you just want to go quickly with as little pain as possible. And in the process be grateful for others, especially those taking care of you in or out of the hospital, and know that everyone is doing their best.

In short, it's not all about you.