Yeah, so I've been getting spells of vertigo for a while. And not just vertigo - like I can't stand up or walk straight and need to find the nearest curb or lay down. I had a really bad one on Sunday when coming home with my dad, so bad that I actually threw up because it lasted like 20 minutes. And of course this happened on the front stoop of my apartment so my neighbors saw *sigh*. 

I went to CityMD and they diagnosed benign postural vertigo which is at its core an inner ear problem, so I'm now on meclizine. I haven't had an attack since I've been on the med, but I'm only on it continuously for five days, so this weekend I guess I'll find out if the particles in my ear have dissipated yet. I swear, if it's not one thing it's another.

My aunt had Meniere's disease, and ended up in a wheelchair because of falls she took. Now I totally understand. When this thing hits there's no warning, it just happens, and there's basically nothing you can do to stop it except sit or lay down and wait so you don't fall. I'm hoping this med takes care of it though, and it never happens again because it is extremely dangerous, disorienting, and embarrassing since most people think you're drunk. And it's like "No, just vertigo."

So no yoga for now, since hanging upside down with postural vertigo is NOT recommended. I will get back to it though, and at least I practice in my own apartment so if I try yoga and get an attack I may skin my knees on the rug, but at least it won't be in front of other people.

Apart from my contentious phone call with my aunt (who will likely complain about it to my parents since I do not sugar coat the fact that she needs proper medical care, especially at her age (and random supplements will not fix it). I'm just tired. 

The job worked for the first year, but then they started relying on me more and more as they realized my skill set, and it hasn't stopped. I'm finding myself stressed with my family (my parents want to see me every weekend when I really just want to rest and decompress). I've told them no, but then they complain that they haven't seen me in a week. 

I'm not sure what to do. I've expressed to work that this is not sustainable. I've expressed to my parents the same, and with my aunt I can't even since I've suffered far worse medical crises and just had to deal with it to this day. I do not want to be in this place again where I have pressures from all sides because I can do it on a temporary basis.

I will not do it on a long-term basis. Not anymore since that was my last job, but I've pulled every string available at my job, and I do not have the ability to have every weekend with my parents since I need the recovery time from the weekend. My aunt is a whole other story, but while I do love my parents, why should they complain if it's not weekly? That is weird and only started after I lived there after leaving NYC. 

I wonder if it's some weird attachment from having my sister's failure to launch after her career (which was better paid than I'll ever be when she worked, but who knows now since she won't answer any questions about how she has any money now). I did the normal thing, had a major crisis, then COVID hit, but when I got a new job I moved out and have my own life such as it is. She...hasn't for 12 years. 

Maybe that's why they want to see me. I don't cause drama, I don't depend on them for anything although they insist in bringing over seltzer even though I've told them they don't have to, I can afford it and tote it upstairs myself, and often do so. I work in a normal job.

It's been a fucking mystery my whole life. Why is she given a pass? Why is she allowed to take innumerable years to "figure out her life" when she never goes anywhere but traveling to random countries without an actual job, just freelancing occasionally and never paying rent, groceries, electric or anything? It was the same when we were children, so the dynamic hasn't changed. I don't know. But I am angry about it since I owned my shit, moved out, and work with what I have.

I've been so used to physical pain that unless something extreme happens (kidney stone, appendicitis, etc) I just don't react. I watch the needle when they draw blood, and know to keep pressure for 5 minutes after. I can show up for pretty much any procedure and just take it without complaint or flinching. In some ways it has served me very well. In others, not so much since I get underestimated when something extreme is happening since I'm not screaming or exhibiting many pain symptoms.

After all, when I had appendicitis they tried to send me home. My response "If I scream louder will you do the CT scan?" They had cancelled the test since I wasn't "sensitive enough" even though it was undeniably my appendix (mid-pain moving to the right side over a few hours). I hate to threaten healthcare workers because I know it's a very difficult job, but I'm not above it if I have to make sure I get the correct care.

I'm not sure why it is, but I just take the pain. Even prior to my first surgery (the appendicitis) I just work with it, even when it doesn't benefit me. Is this normal? I don't think so, not when observing those around me and even in my family where any little thing sets them off, except for my dad. Maybe I take after him, or learned by watching the fact that he rarely lets on when he's hurting. It's a strength and weakness at the same time since I have to verbalize the actual state rather than screaming or wincing. 

I guess I'm sort of lucky to be able to work through it and pretend that I'm ok when I'm not. I just have to remember to not be ok sometimes and let the healthcare professionals see when I'm not, or I won't get proper care. Stoicism has its place, but not when you're actually sick.

Thank god tomorrow's a holiday! I'm so ready to have a break, not because I hate the job but because it's a time suck. I'm hoping to get to the complex's pool tomorrow even though I'm sure it'll be packed, but I've got to take advantage of the day off, then clean a bit since I'm behind. We'll see how much really gets done lol.