I am dating myself again, but I remember when Chris Farley died. They mentioned the four components, depression, anxiety, cocaine, and alcohol. One of his colleagues said when one went up another went down so it was a balancing act until he overdosed. 

I get it. I got it even back then since it is our illnesses/weaknesses causing all of the damn problems. Cocaine was never mine, but the other three are deadly too, and there is no guaranteed fix. I've been fighting for 25 years but I don't know how many years I have left. All I can do is try to work out help and know that it will not always work. I will relapse, and relapse a million more times, and these three things will kill me eventually.

For anyone with mental illness it is always a back and forth for trying to fix it, and so many people choose other substances since antidepressants/psych meds do not work, or do not work well, or you get on what I call the medical merry-go-round, but don't have time to get around that without working. I try to help those who are searching for answers, and sometimes have been able to since I've been through all but jail, but yeah.

It's hard. I need help myself now as I need a psychiatrist and psychologist here. Moving changed everything and then moving again and pretending to be ok is finally not ok. The only truth is that I finally confessed to it so the consequences will come, and they won't be pretty, but hopefully I can find someone who can help me.