Another Christmas in the books, and I tried to maximize my family time while minimizing the family antagonizing time. I was partially successful, but I knew my sister would be in super spaz mode because she's still trying to get things organized to move to her new apartment she bought in Chicago. My mom is in super control mode on every holiday as a given, and I'm just happy my aunt is still alive for this Christmas although considering she still does, well, everything she's not supposed to, it remains to see how much longer she can deny the reality of her waning health.

It also probably didn't help that I got my IUD replaced on Monday. It had to be done though since the other one was aged out, and while it was still extremely painful at least I knew what to expect this time around. When I got the Gardasil shots they made me wait 15 minutes before leaving to make sure I didn't faint. They should do that for people getting IUDs since even with pre-knowledge, deep breathing, and Tylenol pre-procedure, I had to stop at the bathroom, collapse on the toilet, and figure out if I was going to vomit, shit myself, or faint for a couple of minutes before I could pull myself together. Minor cramping and bleeding since but I was EXHAUSTED.

As a result, I was in bed by 9pm at the latest for all 3 days I was at my parents, napped whenever we went north in the car, but still managed to make meringue cookies and finally got home today. Tomorrow I'm hoping to get my floors cleaned, but I'm not going to push since emotionally and physically I still feel wrung out.

I've done my family duty for a while and for now I need to take care of me. 

 It was a good, if long weekend. I had to be up early on Saturday to bring my stand mixer, cookie sheets, rolling pin, sifter, and racks to my parents since I own basically all of the baking hardware and mom has very little, plus I had wrapped the last gift I had delivered last week and was bringing those down as well as my suitcase with jams for cookies and clothes for an overnight stay. Basically I was bringing down twice what I brought back, and once I arrived I was the organizer/chief baker to make sure we were chilling one dough while mixing another to maximize our time and get to 3 batches in about 4 hours. 

My aunt used to fulfill that role, minus the stand mixer, so it used to take longer since cookie doughs get very stiff compared to cake batters, and we were often kneading the last bit of flour in by hand once the spoon wouldn't go through it anymore, but with the mixer it cuts that time in half. One of the best buys I ever made, it was $60 at Lidl and has lasted four years so far with nary a glitch. Never underestimate German engineering, even if made in China.

From there it was off to holiday karaoke since my dad has a great voice and had promised to sing with a 90 year old woman in their retirement community. My mom has no interest since she knows her voice isn't great, so it was no problem, but I was tired from a full week of work and then being on my feet baking all day. Luckily in a retirement community leaving at 7:30 is acceptable and I was in bed by 9. Even sleeping on the fold out couch didn't interrupt my sleep.

Today we went to a beautiful restaurant near where I live to celebrate my Dad's birthday which was the past Wednesday and their 54th anniversary which was the past Friday, and we really had a good time just hanging out with each other. If you're ever in the area, Scarborough Fair isn't cheap, but the food is fantastic, the place is so picturesque and decorated for every holiday, and it's a perfect place to celebrate small special occasions! Overall a busy weekend, but worth it in every way.

I have Wednesday and Friday off, so we're doing Christmas Eve down the shore then going north to pick up my aunt and do Christmas dinner out. I'm not sure how many days to spend there since I'll be on the couch, but I'll probably stay at least until Saturday. So more family time coming up, but no major rifts in the family now, so I hope it stays that way! Merry Christmas! 

The new schedule for going into NYC definitely works better for me since I actually enjoyed our holiday party and didn't have an "episode" unlike last year. My body doesn't do get up and go any more; I woke up, showered, worked from home 9-12:30, then headed in to the city, and did a bit of touristy stuff since our office is right by Rockefeller Center. From there it was off to the office and walking to dinner. Because I live so far away my train only runs about once every two hours and I still was home about quarter to 1am, so it was a long day but far more doable than trying to cram in a full day of work AND the commute AND dinner.

Every time I'm in the city I love it. I feel alive, connected, one with the movement and activity around me. I walk for blocks not even realizing it is what I call exercise in the suburbs since around here it takes forethought and effort to go somewhere where wandering happens organically. In NYC it's all of it, all of the time, always more to see and do, and never enough time to do it. Do my feet hurt? Yes. But compared to being bored as hell on a treadmill in a gym, or even walking along the ocean, it was and probably always will be my favorite form of unconscious exercise.

It's not that I don't remember the bad times. When I was crouched by the door of the subway crying because hauling my laptop between offices three times a week was stretching my abdominal scar tissue so much that crouching was the only relief from the pain. When I was too drunk to go somewhere or do something I had planned, and let myself just stay in to drink and watch Netflix instead. When my refuge was a small studio, so my life inside was basically a small box. And a million other things as well.

But I made my mistakes and honestly can't guarantee I wouldn't make them again if I did move back to the city. As wonderful as it can be, it is a double-edged sword and the constant stimulation was something that eventually backfired. Still, it is something I have fond memories of and can safely relive, if only for one night. 

For now, I need to catch up on rest, cook for the week, buy the last of my Christmas gifts, then family holiday time will be in full swing next weekend. I had a glimpse into the window of my past, but now it's time to tend to the present. 

 Holiday shopping is (mostly) done, Christmas cards are mailed out, and today we laid grave blankets on all of my relatives on my mom's side buried in Gate of Heaven Cemetery, followed by lunch with my cousins. It's odd to say that going to the cemetery is a fun day, but we trade stories, catch up with each other, and generally have a pretty good time. My youngest first cousin just turned 60 in November and has a new condo and new job, and I'm so happy for him! His daughter is graduated with her masters and going into child psychology, and although I know it's a tough field she seems to really like it which is awesome.

 Overall it's just been very busy for me, hectic at work and still sleep disordered, although I asked my hepatologist about it and he reassured me that it's not due to liver and ammonia buildup since my cognitive functioning is not impaired. Still, I keep going and hope that some day I'll be able to get decent sleep again.

Thursday we're having our annual holiday party in NYC, which makes me nervous since last December led to a terrible dizzy spell and subsequent ER visit rather than making it to the restaurant. I was still too sick to make it to the other bi-annual meetup over the summer, so this will be the first time I'm making it back since last year. I'm still prone to random hot flashes and bouts of exhaustion following them, so I'm hoping I don't get one and carrying protein bars since there's not much else I can do.

I'm also going in later instead of trying to work a full day then do dinner, and basically face a 20-22 hour day vs. going in closer to the dinner and knowing that I literally have put in that time and then some over the years to make up one day where I do minimal work.

I hope everything goes smoothly. I just have to work on starting out well-rested in addition to preparing for the worst. My MELD score is down to 16 from a high of 30-something in May, so I'm healthier at least.