The new schedule for going into NYC definitely works better for me since I actually enjoyed our holiday party and didn't have an "episode" unlike last year. My body doesn't do get up and go any more; I woke up, showered, worked from home 9-12:30, then headed in to the city, and did a bit of touristy stuff since our office is right by Rockefeller Center. From there it was off to the office and walking to dinner. Because I live so far away my train only runs about once every two hours and I still was home about quarter to 1am, so it was a long day but far more doable than trying to cram in a full day of work AND the commute AND dinner.

Every time I'm in the city I love it. I feel alive, connected, one with the movement and activity around me. I walk for blocks not even realizing it is what I call exercise in the suburbs since around here it takes forethought and effort to go somewhere where wandering happens organically. In NYC it's all of it, all of the time, always more to see and do, and never enough time to do it. Do my feet hurt? Yes. But compared to being bored as hell on a treadmill in a gym, or even walking along the ocean, it was and probably always will be my favorite form of unconscious exercise.

It's not that I don't remember the bad times. When I was crouched by the door of the subway crying because hauling my laptop between offices three times a week was stretching my abdominal scar tissue so much that crouching was the only relief from the pain. When I was too drunk to go somewhere or do something I had planned, and let myself just stay in to drink and watch Netflix instead. When my refuge was a small studio, so my life inside was basically a small box. And a million other things as well.

But I made my mistakes and honestly can't guarantee I wouldn't make them again if I did move back to the city. As wonderful as it can be, it is a double-edged sword and the constant stimulation was something that eventually backfired. Still, it is something I have fond memories of and can safely relive, if only for one night. 

For now, I need to catch up on rest, cook for the week, buy the last of my Christmas gifts, then family holiday time will be in full swing next weekend. I had a glimpse into the window of my past, but now it's time to tend to the present.