Tomorrow I'm off to see my hepatologist and don't have to take time off of work since he's going to be in the office an hour away instead of across the state, and because I worked a half day on MLK Day so I could have a half day tomorrow.

I shouldn't be nervous. I've seen my blood test results and ultrasound results and while they really aren't going back to 100% normal it's still better. But something about this makes me afraid every time. Maybe it's similar to what cancer survivors feel when they have their checkups post-treatment, that awful sense that things can get that bad again. Is it probable? No. Possible? For the rest of my life, yeah.

I saw my sister's extremely unconventional approach to a cancer diagnosis and watched that anxiety eat up over a decade of her remaining years due to never going to therapy and dealing with it. She got lucky financially that she had a longshot bet on Bitcoin that sustained her financially, and parents that let her stay rent-free for 15 years. Yes, she traveled. Yes, she felt more in control of her life.

But I saw the full picture. She went from being high-strung to being relatively non-functional in stressful situations. She was afraid to be home alone after dark. She refused to drive unless she absolutely had to, and even as a passenger would scream at the top of her lungs if she thought an accident was imminent (it never was). She squandered huge sums of money on supplements that are dubious at best when it comes to anti-cancer benefits (pancreas supplement anyone? And no, she didn't have pancreatic cancer), acupuncture, and high-end NYC doctors that as long as you pay them, they'll do whatever you want. 

Even putting the money aside, now she's going in for all of the anti-aging treatments that don't involve surgery. Maybe now she's regretting putting her life on hold for so long; I haven't gotten a solid read on that with her, but her new plan is living in Evanston and surviving on crypto trading so reality still hasn't given her a swift enough kick in the butt to conquer her fear of feeling "owned" by having a regular job.

So while I am anxious, I can work through it. Sure, tonight's dreams will likely suck since I don't have as much control over that, but I finished my shift tonight, am getting ready for bed, and will do the necessary tomorrow to show up, remain calm, discuss concerns, and know I'll have to do it all over again in 3 months, 6 months if I'm lucky. I refuse to give in to irrational fears and try to put rational fears in perspective because as I've seen, if you don't it just compounds.

 If she ever does go to see a therapist and truly tells him what's going on (unlikely since she doesn't even tell her friends), he'll have a field day with her neuroses. I went through it all earlier on since I kept reaching out for help from undergrad until today, and I'm far from perfect, but for now it's being kept in check.