Things are...unusual. I feel like some moorings have been ripped loose, partly because of the uncertainty because of the merger. Even though I mostly know that I will probably not lose my job, the past panic, long job searches, and constant upheaval have put me on edge. I finally have a chance of some stability, some chance to buy an apartment and have the chance to own something of my own; a long-held dream that I'd almost given up on as recently as two years ago, can be lost with one stroke.

It won't be the first merger, not the way LIB works. But it's still a risk. And one where my compassion for others also hurts. Even if I was offered the chance to stay at another's expense, I would say no and let someone else stay, just like when I was being turned permanent, where there was a small, unstated window available if someone else's choice might have been different from my own at someone else's expense. It may be idealist. It may be stupid. But in a world that's crushed almost all of my idealism, and taught me how cruel, tedious, difficult and occasionally brilliant life can be, I can't let that go.

I don't think the choice will be that clear. That's not how corporations work, decisions that affect the well-being and future of others are made behind closed doors, in a small-minded, company-selfish way. If I'm called in, I'm done. No exchanges, no deals, just a half hour to pack up a box, if that, and then it's on my way.

I have to put it out of my mind, as much as possible. Work with things as best as possible, and concentrate on the present - my job, my apartment, and ignore the other pains. Work on the future with some kind of plan, ready to change when needed, but have a lifeline elsewhere than my job since that is no guarantee. Ever. I need to breathe, and hope.

Today was Comic Con for NYC, which was much better than last year, and MUCH better laid-out and organized. Plus, extra joy, I managed to find all of the copies of the animated X-Men series from the 90's that I remember from growing up, and first interested me in the comic world at all. That was even before Batman: The Animated Series, I think! Considering that there's nowhere else to get this series since it's not "officially" on DVD, this totally rocks! Plus, last year it was selling for $75, whereas this year I got 2 copies for $30 each, and another copy for $25, negotiated from $40 :). I love increased bargaining power.

I also saw Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, which was surprisingly great to watch, and really was an insight into human nature, and why we do the things we do. Most of all, it's the theory that honesty and family are an integral part of being worthy of who we are, and worthy of our families. Plus, it had Phylicia Rashad and James Earl Jones in it, both of whom were excellent, but the actress who played Maggie the Cat was AMAZING, and even the understudy for Brick was also amazing. It reminds me how long it's been since I've seen a play that wasn't a musical, and how much more emotional strict plays can be.

Overall, a busier weekend than in a long time, which is why I was an hour late getting to Comic Con, but now I get to sleep tomorrow and ready myself for another week of work and a split weekend (off Saturday and Monday, working Sunday). It's almost 6 o'clock and all is well :).

It's hard to believe that it's been over a year since I dared to post here. My life has changed so greatly, unexpectedly, and in a positive manner for such a change, that I'm still in a bit of shock (and praying that this period of job uncertainty will not upset that precarious balance I have for the first time in a very long time). I'm still working for LIB, and was made permanent through sheer tenaciousness over the summer. Since I moved from my last apartment which has since been torn down, in some ways I've remained in crisis recovery mode. After the rapid changes, the losses of what I was depending on at the time, and pain that is still present in some forms, I find myself loath to put myself to normal activity, avoiding stress like the plague, and trying to find a new balance that will be more permanent.

I've also decided something very important for my piece of mind very recently. I will not go back to my regular bar often, perhaps once a month if that. There are too many betrayals, too many painful memories, too much camaraderie that I know now is completely false from almost all the people I've met there. I'm still somewhat unsure of my determination to stick to the resolution, but I desperately need to believe that I do have the capacity to change that I needed. I've always put up a strong front, been the one who's brash and in your face, but there's insecurity that is receding, but not gone, and most likely never will be. It's a learning process and one that has consumed most of my life, but I know better than to think it will ever be over.

The lesson I've learned in the past five years which I depend on to keep myself in the life I'm in now: Even on your worst day, the worst week, month, or year, you get up and resume your life. The longer you're idle, the worse it will get, and you pick yourself up as soon as possible to keep going til the next crisis.