Finally I have some rest and am back up to about 80% of healthy.  I'm finally cleared of the infection, although I'm still finishing the course of antibiotics just in case, and looking forward to next week.  I have all week off!!!!  Originally I was saving 2 weeks to go to Hawaii with my parents, but between my parents' health issues and my own, this may not be the year to go, so I might as well take the time for myself.

Best of all, I get to visit my wonderful friend in Miami and we're heading to the Keys for a night (I've never been there before).  Even though it's August and will be hot and humid as hell, as long as I'm in a bathing suit and within 10 feet of a body of water, it'll all be good.  I'm really looking forward to it and the break from NY/NJ that I haven't had since last October.  Sometimes it does a body good too look outside of your usual habits.

So dehydration is bad, mmkay?  Monday when I came home I heard something strange that almost sounded like part of a Food Network theme, but looped.  Oddly enough it was from the wall I share with another building where I've never heard a peep, but whatever, maybe someone new moved in.  Tuesday I get on the subway, and as I ride the escalator up to Grand Central my vision starts tunneling and I feel incredibly dizzy; that subsides by the top, but then I hear a ringing in my ears through Grand Central.  Ok, weird, must be an antibiotic thing.

I struggle through most of the day nauseous, visit my doctor where she mentions I'm dehydrated since my blood pressure's down (for me) but my heart rate is way up.  I tell her about Grand Central and my low level of dizziness since, but she doesn't say much else about it.  A fire drill happens on the banker floor, and I'm listening to the instructions, when all of sudden the dizziness is hitting hard again and I'm sweating.  Mae takes one look at my face and gets me to a chair.  Great, I just almost fainted in front of all of my bankers.

Luckily I'd picked up a Gatorade when I went down for lunch (which was 2 ravioli since the other pasta I picked up was nasty), so slowly sip on that while the 4 ex-FDNY security guys all come by and are like "Are you ok?"  I just point to the Gatorade and smile, tell them I'm on an antibiotic that isn't agreeing with me.  Finally, about an hour later, around 4pm, I notice I'm forgetting things within seconds, request numbers, what I've sent to who, and believe me this is HIGHLY atypical; usually my memory's not perfect, but pretty damn good.  Then I realize oh crap, if I almost fainted commuting to work and once during the day, and I can't even concentrate for 3 seconds, I'd better make sure I can get home ok, so I go to the nurse.

Basically she says since my blood pressure's high enough now I shouldn't faint, but should take a cab.  They want to call one now, but I knew I had to wrap up things first.  I did take a cab after work, although I had to walk to 3rd to get it and oh sweet relief, I'm home.

And when I get home I hear it again, that strange Food Network theme loop, again from the same wall.  Luckily, after I almost fainted the second time, I made sure to work from home today and crammed water, Gatorade, and actual food into my body. As my mind cleared, I realized just how bad this could have been.  Worst case (and probable if I did faint), I'd wake up in the hospital for my stupid mistakes.  Little ones like, maybe after vomiting for 8 days straight and not having a real meal in 10 days, maybe I'm just a little (or a lot) dehydrated.

So to sum up, racing heart, dizziness, faintness, nausea, and even auditory hallucinations really DO happen if you're that dehydrated. 

Today I've only heard the Food Network theme when I'm watching Food Network, so I'll take it easy the next few days, finish up the antibiotic, and hopefully get back to normal.  So far, signs are positive.

Another day, another doctor appointment, another antibiotic.  *sigh*  It's almost two months since all of this started and still no resolution.  This one had better work by god!

Oh my god, I was hoping I would get used to the antibiotic, but this has been SO frustrating.  After I take it I'm horribly nauseous for about an hour and a bit, then just feel sick when I move.  The surprise comes about 12 hours later when the serious nausea returns with a vengeance, right around the time I have to take the second one for the day.  I try to throw up before I take the second one in the hopes I won't regurgitate that and make the dose meaningless.

At least I can work from home, which I've done this entire week.  Thank god for that since we've been incredibly busy like I can't remember in the almost 8 years I've been working there, so we're totally overwhelmed.  I'm not functioning at 100% because occasionally I have to lie down, but at least I can get quite a few requests done that otherwise would have sat in queue for who knows how long, or just been done poorly.

I'm afraid to take mass transit since motion bothers my stomach plus if I do get sick, there's nothing I can do but embarrass myself and be sick on the train floor or, if I'm lucky, in a station garbage can.  For the first time since I've been in NY, I haven't been on any form of mass transit for over a week. I've only ventured outside to make my doctor appointment (thankfully walking distance), pick up my prescriptions (also thankfully walking distance), grab groceries so I don't starve, and play one match of pool since I was needed (walking distance).

I know there are many worse things in this world and it will pass, but this just SUCKS!

Today was a difficult day.  Nausea from the antibiotic, working from home and seeing requests I know that I would have picked up if I was feeling like a human being, and going to pool with Saltines to quell the nausea because otherwise we would have had to forfeit. Thankfully I played first, so I'm home now instead of 11 or 12 pm like normal.

On top of that, it was the monthly meeting with my psychiatrist.  I vented some of the rage about my family and actually cried in his office for the first time in years, especially since I was physically feeling so shitty overall. We're trying to up one of the meds to compensate for the last month of serious depression.

And we discussed the hospital.  He was surprised to hear that unless I was absolutely desperate I wouldn't go back since it was one of the most helpless experiences I've ever experienced, except for when I was going through multiple surgeries after a botched appendix operation.  Then I had my parents constantly there as advocates, and this was when I was 20 so it was normal.  I'd never really lived on my own before.  Then, with the rift between my family and purposely planning the act while my parents were cross-country, I was on my own, which sadly fit the situation.  My sister visited, which I appreciated, but considering that she and I have so many issues, it made it harder in some ways.

Do I think that the hospital stay saved my life?  Definitely. Yet it brought home to me just how much can be taken away from you in every possible way.  Possessions, freedom, privacy, and the basic sense that you are a person who exists in the real world.  And I was in a great facility compared to others! 

Would I voluntarily go again?  I don't think so.  I've learned to endure, to wait until there's a chance of feeling normal again, or at least on the way up from the bottom.  After so many years in practice, I'm surprised he hasn't encountered this attitude more often.

Maybe it's because I'm so used to being independent.  Maybe it's because I've learned not to count on others and to rely on my own self to make the basics of life; pay rent, make it to work, and manage my own apartment and expenses after college. Maybe it's because I've endured so much that I can look back and know there will at some point be a better day, and another, and another if you just keep living in the real world and not the hospitalized, sanitized, protected world.

I know some people would prefer that world where decisions are made for you, a strict schedule is followed, and any of the responsibilities and pressures of the daily grind are not present.  I am not one of them, having experienced both paradigms.  And I'm thankful for that.

I've been somewhat lucky most of my life.  I've always taken antibiotics without many side effects except for when I was young and my face swelled up, or when I got a couple of hives on two other antibiotics.  Unfortunately, these prior experiences with three different classes of antibiotics I probably can't take plus the adverse reaction to Cipro, means there are very few options left when treating me for an infection.

On Friday they prescribed me Macrobid, and within an hour of taking it I was projectile vomiting.  I've been eating Saltines since to try and backstop the reaction and lying down as I can, but considering I've got a seven day course taken twice a day this is going to be interesting.  Of course the irony is that if I can't control the vomiting side effect I end up bringing up the pill, so it's taken some serious gag reflex.  If I have to suffer through this, I only want to do so once.

Over many years and medications, I know how much side effects can suck, but this is a totally new one to me.  I've already lost so much weight over the past 9 months that I don't fit into the shorts I was straining at in October of 2013, and this is not the way to do it.  Someday I'll catch a break.  I have to believe that.

Oddly enough, even though things objectively haven't changed, subjectively it's getting better. I'm more competent at work. I can deal with things better even though objectively they still pretty much suck in some ways. That shift that I spoke about happened. It's still a series of good days, okay days, and bad days, but the bad days aren't dominating.

For now, that's good enough I guess. I'm trying to make plans for the future and organize my life but it's still difficult to do so. I know two people who have decided to make drastic changes in their life, which makes me think in terms of how I know that I'm in a position that drives my blood pressure through the roof, but that's the best option I have without starting all over again.

I don't have the energy to do that. I don't have the drive. I need to feel that something's secure in my life which is my job and my apartment, after dealing with all of what has happened over the past years. I do have respect for those who make that shift, but for me, it's not even something I can even contemplate right now.

This weekend rest has been the main theme.  I didn't realize just how worn-down my body was, so I've slept til 1pm all 3 days.  I'm still tired; I think I would need about three months off to really recover (which is why I miss summer vacation so much from being in school).  Partly it's because I do not respond well to heat, so summer just saps my strength.  Partly it's all of the events of the past months.  Partly it's because work is taking a greater and greater toll.

We're busy.  Like 2007 busy again, which is good in job security ways, but not in terms of the fact I'm one of the most experienced researchers there now.  In 2007, a lot of time was spent on fairly basic work for me since I'd only started in late 2006 and I hadn't developed the skill set I have now.  Some of it's my own fault since I set out to replicate the quant skills that only two other people in our department have, one who has now been promoted and is off the queue and one who is nearing retirement and is basically marking time, so it all falls to me.

The other piece is my specialty in healthcare.  For various reasons, healthcare questions intimidate almost all of my colleagues, probably because librarians naturally come from a liberal arts background, and offshore, librarian isn't really a true job so they have no background in the industry.  Again, it all falls to me. 

Job security?  Great.  Ability to not burn out?  Not so great.  Even sitting on the banker floor is tough for me since that adds another level of stress since I can be approached by anyone at any time to do specialized  work.  I do so much "off the books" that I have a special folder every quarter to save files and research that never gets officially logged since those are the direct requests that take less than half an hour.  If you add those half hours up though, it's rather daunting.  All of this makes me less than willing to get out of bed in the morning if my energy is already at an ebb.

I wish there was a program like professors to take a sabbatical every few years, hell, even every 7 or 10 years so there was some actual break to look forward to.  Don't get me wrong, I'm lucky to have 4 weeks of vacation every year, but unfortunately my intellectual ability has always outstripped my physical stamina and this job is no exception. Not to mention when I took a full week off last year things did not get done as they should have since I have virtually no backup.

I wish I could be one of those people who is okay with sleepwalking through the job, accept substandard work, and don't feel a terrible sense of responsibility and urge for perfection. Lately I've been somewhat horrified at the brain freezes I've been having which have never happened as often in the past.  It's a mix of stupefaction at the question and resignation that I will be sending out what I consider substandard work (although in the grand scheme of things it's probably better than what would be sent otherwise).

I'm feeling better but there's still a long way to go.  I need to reconcile this at work now that the switch has happened and I have a chance of having more energy to channel.  I can only hope, and start this coming week with some plan to make things easier for myself before I throw up my hands and start refusing work like my colleague or just go through the motions and the script, reducing the quality of my work.

Today was the first full thunderstorm of the season, and even though I was working from home I reveled in it.  Yesterday I spent time with an old friend who, for various reasons, I hadn't seen in about two years.  For five hours we caught up, traded stories, laughed, just hung out like we used to, and it was the best thing that I could have done.

I've been too isolated, too caught up in my own drama, and overall just dealing with those who are worst for my sense of self esteem even though I know this is not healthy for me.  Nothing's fixed, and there are still so many issues to deal with and/or recover from, but hopefully this storm is passing.