Tomorrow I go to visit a friend who has suffered far more than I can imagine and still emerges on the other side with more humor and heart than I could ever sustain during such an ordeal.  The contrast is particularly striking for me, since I know the majority of people take what we have for granted without true appreciation of how lucky we really are.  Myself included.

We all know that every individual has certain born capacities and traits; some have those traits tempered and forged into iron by life. While no one can truly understand exactly what someone is going through, the ability to face it marks the difference between those who bend to a new reality, or break and give in to despair.  The ones who bend often stand not without fear, but stand despite the fear, which is a quality not everyone has to confront and conquer in life.

I know what it is to crumble under pressure and fear.  I know how agonizing every hour, minute, and second can seem, and how estranged you can be from the regular world running 9-5.  What it is like to have your dignity taken away and realize how powerless you are sometimes. To doubt that you may not make it back to the "real world" since everything you believed in life has just been knocked out from under your feet.

That's when your true self takes over, vowing to fight or knowing that this is surrender, yet most of all knowing that these two impulses are not mutually exclusive if you've been around the block a time or two.  Can you still be powerless in many ways?  Yes.  Can you still be struggling with the same issues and know damn well that this will be the case many times in the future?  Absolutely.

Can you temporarily surrender, but know you will have the strength to get up again?  A thousand times yes.

Knowing that the fear, pain, difficulties, emptiness, weaknesses, and all of your other frailties will exist and know that you bend.  Not break, although nothing is 100% certain, but you've fought before, so at least it's something you know you've won before. My friend seems to know this (again, I can't claim to know another person's thoughts), and it's a hard-earned lesson but definitely gives you hope, knowing that you've gone through pain before and there will be another, more positive day coming.  No matter how long it takes to arrive.

I made it, although not without a lot of support and sympathy from my friends.  The last day was difficult; I counted five times I almost cried and two colleagues I almost yelled at for not even bothering to try and back me up despite how many times I've done favors for them.  For the first Sunday in a long time, I'm not tense and dreading Monday knowing I would go back to the same dysfunction, fulfilling the colloquial definition of insanity.

Time off won't fix the root problems at work, but if I can even semi-disown the problems that I have no control over, that's progress.  I'm making a determined effort to appreciate the difference between how I would normally feel vs. the relief and relative lack of stress I'm enjoying without worrying about the next day.

I still am not sure exactly how I'm going to spend my time off outside of basically spending time here in the city and seeing my family in NJ, but that was kind of the plan.  Instead of being bound to a rigid schedule I'm trying to remind myself what it used to be like before I entered the rat race.  Back when I felt that I didn't live to work, I worked to live.  When I didn't have to drag myself out of bed and could take time off without counting days, or being afraid that answering my body's demands would result in a penalty according to corporate policy.

I'm seeing tomorrow as the real start date of my leave. I have hope that this might really help me to limit stress from things I can't change, knowing that being absent from work for this length of time will prove how many emergency holes I've plugged in the past simply because I push myself that hard.  I don't want to be the little Dutch boy with my finger stuck in the dam anymore.  Let the pressure go, and see what happens.

One more day.  One more day of working at my computer only to realize that I've made a mistake, or have been staring at the screen without producing anything, and realizing I truly don't give a shit about it.  Of thinking of the many responsibilities I've postponed or flat out neglected and realizing I have no intention or will to do them. Of physically hurting every day knowing that it's a direct result of stress, lack of sleep, and the pressure of being depended on so heavily at work.

Today I basically snapped at a colleague when he was trying to postpone until tomorrow my directions to fulfill a favor I'd asked of him, since I know that someone has to be my backup while I'm gone.  After dropping everything for others or multi-tasking constantly to help out for years when my colleagues couldn't get to something, I saw red even though I had no right to do so since I'm asking for his help.  I'm obviously at the end of my rope, because I've had every one of my colleagues ask me if I'm okay at least once in the past two weeks and I've lost my temper at my colleagues four times where it was noticeable.

My boss and department have been amazing in accommodating my sudden leave, which makes me feel appreciated, although embarrassed that I'm that transparent about not doing well.  Even the bankers have asked about my health, which means I really must look terrible, or my aura of apathy and exhaustion even reaches them (and that's saying A LOT).  My colleagues and clients deserve better than the less than half-assed job I've been doing for the past year and I think this is the first step.

Do I think I won't burn out again?  No.  I'm realistic about it, especially knowing the intricacies required for truly stellar work, the mental fatigue that accompanies it, and the lack of resources to do our jobs well that frustrates and adds to the pressure.  Add another stressor and yes, I might break again, but each time I go through this I'm trying to make it easier and learn to mitigate or delay a crisis if possible.

So I return to work tomorrow, finishing up the rushed transfer of responsibility that accompanies giving a little more than a week's notice for a three week unpaid leave, and hope it all works out.  I've told work that if they need, they can call me or I can come in if I'm not in NJ, but I must be so bad off that they make it sound like it would have to be a giant emergency to even call me.  My colleague who lives seven blocks away even offered to come over any time if I need anything (she's a really kind person; she offered to bring anything I needed when I had the flu too).

When that happens, sometimes I worry about what I must look and sound like for people to be that hesitant to contact or stress me.  Then I realize that 75% of me really doesn't care because I've given up my pride and accepted a sort of defeat.  I think they hear the resignation in my voice, the barely suppressed rage in my sharp retorts and cynical outlook, my pain in the suppressed gasps when I shift the wrong way and scar tissue pulls and flares up.

Yet in another way, this is a victory, not a defeat.  I'm doing what I need to and putting myself first.  I've finally allowed myself to be honest about how the year has affected me and let myself rest mentally and physically for a change.  I'm choosing to see my uncle for the first time since my aunt's funeral, to see my other aunt who I haven't seen since August, and to spend time with my parents in NJ for the first time since June, which was the last time I was healthy and rested enough to even contemplate the two hour trip.  When that is the scenario, I'm sacrificing too much; not just my health, but also the family relationships that can be turbulent, but can also support you when you're not strong enough yourself.

One more day.  I can do this.

I've finally made a decision, and one that was extremely hard to come by.  My entire life I've known that I'm not as capable physically or emotionally as most, so burnout is a more constant possibility than in those who cope normally.

Well, for the 2nd time in 2 years, I've hit that wall.  It's not as dramatic as the first time since I learned, saw it coming, and tried to put buffers in place.  Therefore, instead of a crisis it's more of a guided slide.  I tried very hard but reserved some strength instead of going all in. I allowed myself downtime whenever possible. Finally though, I had to choose between my health and my job.

Not only have I been emotionally burned out by having no back-up, no increase in compensation despite incredibly increased workload, and sidelining by relocating us to Brooklyn while work expects us to happily spend time in both Manhattan and Brooklyn (again with zero compensation), but physically I'm so worn down that the subway, let alone life, is an ordeal.

I hurt. All the time. All of my scar tissue from previous surgeries are causing persistent pain sitting, standing, or pretty much any position except lying down, so I have pain radiating from my pelvis to my upper torso on a good day.  On a bad day, it's my entire body aching and flaring up, including my arthritis if it happens to be damp that day.  Ever since I've had the surgeries, if I don't get enough rest, whatever nerve endings are located there start to spark.  I wonder sometimes if this is what fibromyalgia patients feel, except without the obvious physical cause; that's how bad it is.

This year, since the particular illnesses I've had have put extra muscular strain on the surgery areas, (after all, throwing up probably at least 100 times over months as well as deep flu coughing for 3+ weeks can put a hell of a lot of strain on your pelvic/torso area which is already weakened) to say it's susceptible to lasting damage is a fair statement judging by the constant pain.

So I did it.  I put in for a 3 week unpaid leave. I'm aware that if I don't, there will not just be a day I don't get up, it would become long enough it will cost me my job overall since I would need to curl in a ball until the pain goes away, and I don't know how long that will take. I'm hoping less than 3 weeks :). It doesn't fix a lot of other issues, but I have to stop running myself ragged where even sleeping 12 or 13 hours on the weekend doesn't even come close to stopping the pain.

I wish it wasn't the case.  I wish that I could be healthy and strong like so many others, but the die was cast in my genetics long ago, taking special tolls in 1993, 2000, 2001, and 2012.  This is my life. This will not change. All that's left is to try and negotiate a truce between ability, stamina, and corporate forgiveness.  I also wish I didn't have so little faith in the latter, but in our society it's the piece that determines if you keep your job no matter what toll it takes on you.  I hate it, but have to acknowledge how powerful it can be in your life, so I'm depending on some corporate compassion.  We'll see.

It's strange to see how things unfold.  The old adage of hindsight is 20/20 has made me ache to have that ability reversed.  Instead, I wish that I had some insight into the future, any clue at all where to go from here, or any confidence that this life can work out for me.

Over the past year I've felt uncertain and frightened, which usually and unfortunately has coincided with the worst times of my life in the past. Yet prior experiences should have tempered the visceral response to circumstances, both in and out of your control, when you have to trust that you'll make the right choice or passively hope things work out on a general level. Then there are those times where I've burnt out completely, yet somehow rose again to sustain myself and resume the fight on the constant roller coaster of highs and lows.  I would say the cycle is like a phoenix, but that tends to have a positive connotation (although it's never been specified that the phoenix is comfortable with the whole burning, dying and resurrecting part).  Even in that metaphorical reality, it's painful and difficult emotionally, physically, and mentally.  I really want this cycle to stop.

I've taken care of many health issues this year, adjusted to changes in my personal and professional lives, and dragged my exhausted self home night after night hoping for a respite.  I'm debt free for the first time since I went to college.  I've made some other choices that have pushed me onto a more positive path. I'm trying to make the best of bad situations and accepting that the "new normal" must be endured, since the alternative is worse. I'm fighting as best I can.  I can't ask for much more outside of that.

So really I'm talking about two things.  One is to have some hope and faith that things will change for the better by general karma and luck in the next few months.  Second is that I manage to rest, relax, try to revitalize myself regardless of life events and just learn to let go before burning out again.  We'll see, I suppose.