I'm dealing with things pretty well, but life has a sick sense of humor. One year ago I was diagnosed with cirrhosis, and a week later pyelonephritis (infected kidney) and a kidney stone. Add in a pleural effusion from the ED giving me too many fluids the day I was admitted and it culminated in two "procedures" under anesthesia and a month in and out of the hospital, 20 days in.

Last week someone very close to me was hospitalized for the same kind of surgery on a kidney stone, although thankfully his went better than mine did. Hell, every medical problem seems to go better than mine do, not that I would wish my luck on anyone but it does reach a certain point of ridiculousness. Having similar things happen to people who matter a lot to me also makes me relive my own experiences in my nightmares, appendicitis with my dad's operation and different complications this past August, and now April with kidney stones and my friend.

And the nightmares are always there, just exacerbated by the eerily familiar scenarios happening around me that I know all too well.  I'm not saying that every scenario turns out as badly as my hospital stays but I'm ready for something to follow a different script that I've heard exists. I want something pleasant to dream about, for events be positive for a change, not just acceptable, bearable or horrible. I don't appreciate my most negative experiences revisiting me unexpectedly, but I can get past this. I've been through worse and am hoping for better.

I'd forgotten what it was like to have time off. Just being able to have Friday morning and Monday afternoon to myself before and after my trip to NJ was a welcome respite from the daily work schedule and the weekend catch up that is my life nowadays.

As for family, well, the more things change, the more they stay the same. The same stupid, annoying things that make me wonder how in the hell we got where we are as a family. Are people really that oblivious to the situation? Do they want to keep going over the same old ground, reacting the same way and perpetuating the patterns that have been most detrimental in their lives?

However, it's not like I can hold myself up as a shining example, since I learned that pattern very well growing up around it. I'm changing through necessity and as a last resort, not really through the desire to do so, therefore I too am just as guilty of these faults. I need to breathe and not be angry about it. Don't beat myself up, but don't let myself fall back into willful denial.

In the meantime, I need to think more about time off, time to appreciate the nicer weather and find ways to enjoy what's going on around me. The rest of the family will get along without me involved in the dysfunction and I can't change them, just try to accept them. I'll live with that thought for now.

Work's been crazy busy, but tomorrow and Monday I have off for Easter, so I'm looking forward to some family time.  Mostly - with my family you never know how it will turn out, but I'm hoping for the best. Probably no updates until I get back, but Happy Easter/Passover to anyone who actually reads this.

This isn't funny anymore. Not that it was to begin with, but I slept 15 hours Friday night, 12 hours Saturday, and I'm still basically just caught up with my minimal "normal" energy. I would say this has to be medical except that I've already been to the doctors, yes, that's plural, and they're out of explanations. As am I.

I've tried all excuses, but I keep coming back to the fact that stopping drinking seems to have done very little to help my body outside of no longer being in imminent danger of my liver permanently quitting on me. I got out of the house to go to AA today, and while it was a rather God-heavy meeting, which I despise, I spent an hour with my sponsor and got everything ready for the week. Small goals. It's all about the small goals right now.

Yesterday was 90 days sober, not counting rehab time, and I really can't say much has changed except that I feel less convinced than ever that AA is going to be a lifestyle for me. I still go to one meeting a week, down from 2 AA and 1 SMART meetings. I still meet with my sponsor afterward, who remains a wonderful woman in all respects although she is a true AA believer, but am also still disillusioned with the process. I feel like I should at least go through the motions until I have more time, but some things disturb me more than I anticipated.

Yes, I'm still not feeling the Higher Power thing and doubt I ever will, but even setting aside that major stumbling block, other things cause me to recoil from their mindset. First of all, there is an absolute conviction that if you stop going to meetings you WILL relapse, and either die or come crawling back into the rooms a broken creature to be rebuilt again through AA. I understand that fear holds a lot of people in the program indefinitely but the above is not a fact. The truth is that plenty of people have gotten sober on their own, through SMART, therapy, or other means, and AA is just the best known support group. Period. I have not needed slavish attendance to remain sober, and hearing that "there is only one way" to stave off relapse over and over just makes me want to walk out for good, if for no other reason than to show them it's just not true.

Addressing another tenet I disagree with, after my Sunday meeting I stayed to speak to a girl who had 16 days back after 3 years sober. Back, in AA-speak, means that she relapsed after those 3 years and since she returned to AA her day count returns to zero and builds from there. She looked very beaten down, as do many who come back, so I committed AA heresy and told her to be proud instead. Count those 3 years as the achievement they are, see this as a small setback, and don't be ashamed of anything she had done. Her eyes lit up with a little bit of hope and my hope is that I lessened the guilt and feelings of failure that she was experiencing and are only exacerbated by the AA doctrine of completely discounting previous sober time. I don't want to be part of a program that uses shame and guilt to keep you coming back because it works if you work it, etc. Those feelings led me to drink in the first place, so reigniting them would prime me for relapse, not prevent it.

This type of blind following of AA meetings and teachings, touted as daily medicine for an incurable disease, makes me sick (ha ha). But that's a point for another time and another rant. In the meantime I'll be glad I have 4 months, 3 out of rehab months, and have my own continuation plan. And try not to rant too much about AA :).