It was interesting to have the concert in Atlantic City. I first went there in 2001 and the Sands was still standing, the Claridge was a casino, and AC was booming (relatively). I watched it slowly decline as gaming was expanded to Native Americans and then as online gambling was legalized.

I saw the closure of my first and favorite casino, Showboat, along with the prior iterations from a Mardi Gras theme as it struggled to stay relevant and project the illusion of edginess as Borgata and a revamped Caesars and Harrah's sucked their business dry.

Revel was a disaster from beginning to end, and revisiting the Ocean Resort (as it's known now) I don't see it making it. It was built to Vegas scale in an area that now, more than ever, cannot compete as the only game in town, literally.

The Taj Mahal was undoubtedly the gaudiest and uglist casino on the entire Boardwalk, and when it closed I wondered what would become of it. It turns out that the Hard Rock (which had a cafe in the original Taj), took over the entire casino and wow. This is where the concert happened and the cosmetic improvements literally make it not even resemble the same place, which is a good thing. Security was nonexistent considering I could bring my entire purse into the concert hall without anyone even checking the pockets with a flashlight, but the hotel was packed.

I think they'll make it, and I think that's a great thing. AC needs any economic boost it can get, and Hard Rock will help by leaps and bounds since they have deeper pockets to work from. The rise and fall of cities is always fascinating, and this is no exception.

More on the concert later, for those who care and remember CC & Live.

Off to Atlantic City tomorrow to see Counting Crows and Live. It's been not great, but slowly improving. I'll take that right now.

I'm ok. Still not ok with what happened but I'll work through it.

So I got thrown for a huge loop. I realized some of what I'd been repressing for years, which is that I was blamed for something completely out of my control, but was made to feel responsible. Over and over again, and there's no real recompense occurring. Ever.

No wonder I've been so willing to accept abuse and actively sought out pain. It was a way to validate the fact that I've been told so many times that I deserve everything I get and even that's not enough punishment. Really it just stacked one thing on top of another, so that the initial violation was only a starting point.

I need a lifetime to deal with this. I'll get 12 hours. Maybe. And even then I'll be wrung out and exhausted from the tears and anger, but this is life. I hope someday it hurts less, but today is not that day.

Things were fairly peaceful over the weekend. Since I couldn't see my uncle I just hung out with my parents, shopped, slept, and ate. Not necessarily in that order since I can only tolerate shopping for clothes for 2-3 hours max before I insist we go do something else; I've never enjoyed it and probably never will. My mom used to bribe me to keep me going longer with breaks for lunch, at a bookstore, at Starbucks (back when I was young, skinny, and could order a Caramel Macchiato without guilt), in order to keep me going to get everything I needed for school.

Basically I'm the opposite of most women in that area, but it had reached the point where 1/3 of my wardrobe no longer fit me. The remaining 2/3rds was pushing it, since I gained 40 pounds about a year and a half ago and have finally given up the fantasy of losing it. I'm happy I've been able to remain stable, so it was time to make plans for that weight. If I lose it, great. If not, I'm covered. I just have to not gain any more.

I have modest goals at this point. Keeping things in check is priority number one. Improving on them is priority two, and I know that nothing will substitute for having a functional life and relationships, but at least I can generally function in society. As long as I can do that, I've got a shot for the time my health will give me to work towards better.

And my cousin with cirrhosis strikes again, picking another fight with one of his brothers. At this point he is so volatile that I know his brother doesn't want his daughter or his new girlfriend around him. Hell, I don't want to be around him since he will flip out on anyone at a moment's notice, or just for because he perceived a slight against him.

For my late birthday party we just flat out told him he was not invited, and to his credit he took it pretty well. I think he just has gotten used to doing or saying whatever he wants and never being told no or that it is completely inappropriate and there will be consequences. Unfortunately, my 91 year old uncle is living with him and the house is in my cousin's name, while my uncle is determined to die there and not have to move into assisted living or a nursing home.

God that side of my family is hugely fucked up, but a lot of it came from decades of unhealthy dynamics. They're an argument for you may be done with the past, but the past is not done with you. *sigh*

So that's two out of three years for my past uncle's birthday where my cousin's totally blown up any possible celebration. At this point it's almost an inevitability since it's too late to teach him to behave. All I know is that after my uncle passes, I probably won't be seeing him ever again. I have enough issues of my own.