My primary care physician down here is retiring on June 30th, which leaves me scrambling between COBRA running out at the end of July and having to go onto the state exchange. It's hard enough to find anyone accepting new patients, and between my chronic health issues, the number of daily medications, and new insurance, I haven't found anyone willing to take me on. There's no word from the library I interviewed with, so I think it's safe at this point to assume that a job offer won't materialize along with benefits. I have to plan for things as they are, not as I wish they would be.

It's been hard lately. My aunt made one of her digs about all of my education not paying off, and I know that in many ways that has been true. I also know that the major reason for my failures is my constant companion of depression and eventual resulting substance abuse, but I have to accept that this is an intrinsic part of me, pulling me backwards far further than I can advance forward. I've balanced it all as best as I could and am still found lacking, but I'm done breaking myself trying to achieve what others see their ideal version of myself accomplishing. All that has brought me is pain.

So it's back to the drawing board. Get out of bed in the morning. Don't think too much about the past, it's no longer relevant or helpful to the present. Try to accomplish something. Accept that this is my life now, and for the foreseeable future. Try not to give up hope that it can get better someday.

I had my interview, but wanted to wait until I had given it a few days to process the general impression. I did a good job, I know that much. I came across as knowledgeable, personable, and willing to learn on the job. The committee seemed very nice, and while they stuck to the script (literally reading off a paper and taking notes), the more I gave honest answers that highlighted my unique experience at LIB, working on global teams, and training people across the bank, the more interested they seemed. I'm sure some of the things I said I would have reworded or responded completely differently, but overall, good interview for my first time in 14 years.

There was only one sticking point. I knew that the maker lab would be for all ages, and I can handle minimal contact with children. The more I learned though, the uneasier I became about whether this was primarily a children's position. First clue, the lab was created to foster interactive play, second, the examples given were "A 6 and a 10 year old come into the lab..."

I don't do children. I generally don't know what to say to them, I don't speak down to them, and I have zero interest in "playing" with them. A precocious 10 year old is fine, and once they hit adolescence that's okay too, but any position that is dealing with 6 year olds on a regular basis will be a problem for me. When I was 14-18 I worked in a children's library shelving books, and realized at 14 that I loved the books and hated the kids.

If I'm lucky they will have sensed my discomfort with those questions, and they won't offer me the job. I can gracefully bow out and ask them to keep me in mind for future positions in adult services or administration, and everyone involved will be happy. Please please please please please...

*sigh* Public libraries. How I simultaneously love and hate you.

Life has a certain way of coming at you whether you're ready or not. My mother is best retirement friends with another woman here, and the two couples hang out quite often. I've been over there multiple times, sewed and baked them presents, and they were the only face to face non-family contact I've had over the course of the pandemic. The last time we saw them was Memorial Day, hanging out in their backyard on the new patio and ordering pizza. I baked a blueberry-cherry lattice pie for all of us to share for dessert.

This past Saturday her husband went into the backyard while she was out, called 911 so she wouldn't be the one to find him, and shot himself.

Yes, he'd been having some health problems, but they would have improved over the next few months or so. He also was an retired cop, which is why he had a gun, and he seemed a little down over Memorial Day. I hugged him and said "Hang in there" to both of them as we left. I guess he couldn't hang on any longer, though.

I'm sad for him, and upset that his wife has to go through this now. The shock of him being gone and living with the fact that he killed himself. The arrangements. The sorrow that will take years to fade. They had booked a cruise together for 2023 last Monday. The inevitable second guessing of what could have been done, if only... I hope the if onlys and what ifs will be passing thoughts, not endless repetitions.

Being well-acquainted with suicidal thoughts I've been more accepting of this as his choice, though I would never voice this to his wife, nor to my family, as they cling to life with both hands so tightly. In his case from a purely physical standpoint of what I know of his health, I don't agree that this was inevitable. But I don't know much about his mental state. 

If he was in extreme mental pain it can absolutely make sense. It was premeditated, since he ensured the police would arrive before she returned home. He knew that his final wishes were taken care of. I don't think he spoke to anyone directly beforehand or left a note, but he probably would have if he felt something was unfinished or unclear. A gun hastens the process but it obviously wasn't out of the blue.

I hope that he has found peace and wouldn't regret his decision if he had to choose again. More than anything I hope his wife will adjust and cope as best as is possible. She's strong, but anyone would have a difficult time with this. We went to see her yesterday evening and various friends and family have been with her almost constantly; we'll be at the funeral and around afterwards to help support her, but seeing the fallout from suicide reminds me again how glad I am that I haven't gone through with it. Not for myself, but for my family and friends.

A miracle has happened: I was called for an interview for the librarian job! Of course the email went into Spam yesterday but they called today to make sure I knew where it was since apparently this has happened to them before with people who use Gmail. That meant that I had to take the only slot left for a tele-interview, but I jumped at it because hey, what the hell else am I doing? Being unemployed makes you very flexible.

The conference call is with the selection committee and I'm just hoping I can pull it off.  Interviewing in general is incredibly stressful for me and while I can talk at length about nerdy things, I tend to ramble, particularly when asked about myself. I need to remind myself I am qualified and build my confidence before then. What I don't know I can learn, and I do deserve this job. In my head I am the multiple failures that have consisted my life, but I need to remember others don't see me that way. Don't put myself down, don't belittle my skills and let go of some of my anger at my former employer. Talk about the research center, not LIB. Accept my shortcomings as lessons and know that I can do better this time around, definitely not financially, but personally.

I think it's time to take my meditation skills out for a spin since talking to family only makes things like this worse. They mean well but end up correcting me on any perceived failings in communication or skills even though they a) don't know the full nature of a librarian job and b) have never gotten it through their thick skulls that those "helpful comments" come across as criticisms and only add pain to someone already crippled by internal doubt. Until this comes to pass I need to go as zen as possible, and since this house isn't large enough for me to go anywhere I can't be overheard, that I do not need or want a play by play of the call once it's done. If I fuck up it's on me.

So a small ray light has arrived, and I'm grasping for it with both hands. I just hope I catch it.

I've decided that I'm not going for the full Python bootcamp since I have realized that my knowledge after this course is adequate for the most basic problems, but I can't scrape the web or be a full stack developer or data scientist without a couple of years of additional instruction. Just 12 intensive weeks wouldn't cut it, and a $15,000 sunk cost requires a leap of faith I'm not ready for yet.

I finally saw a librarian job pop up on the local county's site and submitted my application; I'll also re-apply to Costco in July since they only hold applications open for 90 days without renewal, but the job market's still pretty dire around here. While it's discouraging, I don't feel quite as hopeless as before. Maybe it's because the thyroid medication is working, even though my levels haven't totally normalized yet.

I also have to prepare to switch to NJ's health exchange since job-related insurance doesn't seem to be an option. Since I'm living on unemployment my AGI's low enough to qualify for subsidies that reduce the payments to less than what I have now, so it might be more manageable. I can't believe it's been almost a full 18 months since I left my job at LIB, and while I miss some things, I still can't bring myself to put myself in that futile position again and ask for my job back.

Pressure is increasing to find myself, to choose a path in life and something to work towards. I wish I was at least somewhat confident about what that path should be, as I was when I started the job at LIB, but perhaps I'll get to that point again someday.