Oh my God, it's been a hell of a week, partly in a good way (for my career), partly in a bad way (for my anxiety). Wednesday I had my first round interview for the county college position I applied for and the position sounds like a normal academic librarian - far too much work for far too little pay - but if I make it to the second round (interview with the president of the college for God's sake) I'll give it my best shot on the supposition that job in my field > no job in my field.

I was also playing a bit of phone tag with the SIB job for a first round screening call (are you vaccinated, can we lowball you on salary, etc), and finally completed that with the promise of a follow-up next week to set up an interview with the information services department manager who would, presumably, be my actual boss. However, mission accomplished for now and I don't think I absolutely bombed anything, which is a yardstick for success in my worldview.

I'm trying not to second guess myself too much, plus I had the peanut gallery (parents and sister) offering unsolicited advice after each call. While I do value feedback, my parents haven't done interviews since the late 1960s, and the world was very different back then in so many ways. They still find it incomprehensible that resumes often disappear into a black void for all the seeker is concerned and that no one ever gets back to you, nor can you contact HR any further. My sister has some valid points but nitpicks and turns everything into an exercise in how it would impact her, so that's also of limited value, but I've learned that this is who they are, and it will not change.

Either way these turn out, they won't say that I didn't try, however, and I might earn some form of stay of execution where I can wait out something substantial that will hire me. I know I can do these jobs. I just don't know if I can communicate that effectively enough or that they will pay enough to make this worth my while. I hated the job limbo of day to day futility, but seem to have traded it for the job hunting limbo of futility, where the most glaring difference is not getting paid to feel that way.

I don't regret having left my job with LIB. I do wish there were better options out there, though.

Just when I decide that I'm done caring and I can't go through the stupid cycle of hoping only to have those hopes dashed another time, something else dangles another carrot in front of me. I've seriously applied to four jobs down here and could actually see myself thriving in each of them. Other applications have been throwaways to see if anything comes of it, but those four I had the qualifications and actually wanted to be chosen for the job.

This time it's exactly what I was doing before, a business researcher for a different, smaller bank (I'll be optimistic and call it SIB since if all goes well I may be writing about it in the future), but this is a night shift (much better for my natural sleep/wake time and I have no social life to speak of here anyway so that's hardly a handicap), most importantly for now it is fully remote, but based in NYC so that if I do decide to move back or have to do hybrid schedule at any point in the future I get to go home to NYC instead of being trapped in NJ! Even though it's been two years since I left my job at LIB I still retain enough database and search expertise that with a quick refresher I can be fully up to speed in probably about a month max, and the salary would likely be equivalent to what I left at LIB since they screwed us so hard on bonuses/raises for the last nine years I was there.

So despite all prior experiences I'm hardcore hoping that I can get this deal closed. I know the job. I know the field. I would get all of the parts of my prior job back that I loved while jettisoning the political part which was a major sticking point with forces pulling in all directions, none of which benefited me. I could just do my job, and do it well. That's really all I want from a career at this point.

Well, it's official. I'm the not so proud owner of a bouncing baby ulcer. I was due for an endoscopy anyway to check if I've developed esophageal varices, but I've also had pretty constant heartburn for a few years so I figured they could take a look at that at well. I'm clear on varices (which is really the most important thing since that means I won't spontaneously bleed out) but near where the esophagus joins the stomach there is a small ulcerated area, so I'm now on prescription strength Prilosec.

I suppose it's another souvenir of my formerly spectacularly unhealthy lifestyle with Covid stress added, so now I can add another medical ailment to my list. After hearing my mom complain non-stop about her GERD after her endoscopy in October, I yet again can point to my health and it's like "Yep, got that, about twice as badly, and with less then half the complaining." To put this in perspective my mom has told everyone, and I do mean everyone including all of her friends here AND every single restaurant server we've had, about her dietary restrictions because of GERD *roll eyes*. As I've told her many times "Mom, they don't care. Order what you're going to eat."

Screw it, once this omicron wave passes I'm still going to try and find a decent Thai restaurant in South Jersey. If I restricted everything I did depending on my health I'd have even less of a life, so I'll look forward to occasional Thai instead. That's a philosophy I can live by. And I won't tell the server about my ulcer ;).

 Happy New Year! My mother finally initiated "the talk" with me that it's time to get another job, despite the fact that since getting vaccinated I've been applying for literally every job in my field that's opened up around here with zero success besides two interviews. We're too isolated here, and librarianship is a dying field so I knew the odds weren't in my favor when I started but figured I could at least try. I think I'm firmly in the failure category at this point.

Now she thinks it's time to widen the search, which I agree with in theory. The difficulties lie in the state of the job market and the high cost of living anywhere in NJ. Anything decent to rent will be at least $1,500/month, so I need a pretty decent salary to comfortably afford that, along with good benefits, and jobs like that are few and far between as companies look to cut costs in every possible way. The lack of large companies down here also impacts me since it's not like I can depend on an employer that's constantly looking for new entry level hires.

Adding to this is the Covid factor, of course. Any job that I could find that's at all public-facing means that before I manage to move out, there's a very substantial risk of a variant like omicron coming along that evades vaccines and carrying it back home to my retired parents who never would have been exposed otherwise. That's a scenario I've tried very hard to avoid for their health and my own sanity.

I don't know what to do. I knew that choosing to leave my old job and NYC would mean a substantial step backwards but the pandemic threw a whole toolbox of wrenches in the situation at the same time. I'm tired of having nightmares about it. I'm tired of all of this, and the new year only promises to bring more pain and self-doubt. So be it.