And somehow despite my not being involved at all there are fractions in the Discord group which I've been tangentially related to, but have been most involved as friends for the two feuding. I don't know what to do except let each know that while I'm there for them I'm not taking sides.

I wish someone had given that consideration for me back in 2005, but that time has passed, and without knowing exactly went down I can't weigh sides. And I don't want to harm either the way that I was hurt when it happened for me. Friendships are wonderful when they work, but as we age, we are damaged in more ways and it is difficult to walk that balance. 

Most of what I'm taking away is that we are all imperfect humans who need some grace, and that we need to work on being kinder to each other. I miss the random kindness of NYC, but maybe I can make it up with being kind to those who I know online and hope they can resolve it.

I've been going through all of the emotions. Life has just been taking more and more of my time and I've been spending too much time just trying to process everything. I think one of the things I miss most about not being in NYC is the random acts of kindness you could do on a daily basis.

The times when someone was crying on the subway and you could offer a pack of tissues and wish them well with whatever was happening with them (without asking what it was). The times when you could offer food if you had leftovers from a restaurant. The times when you could try to help someone up who had fallen, or call the EMT at the emergency help point if I couldn't lift them (I'm kind of small, so if it was a guy who couldn't stand up it was tough).

Of all the things I miss, that just never occurred to me that it would be so strange to be somewhere that I can't help people if possible. I was always careful not to put myself in dangerous situations, but I find myself feeling hugely isolated that I can't do that anymore, even though it wasn't intentional, it was just daily life where I saw someone who needed a helping hand.

Maybe it's because I'm a librarian, which is a caring profession. Maybe it's just a weakness in my nature. Either way, I hope that I make the world a little bit better for those who need it, even if I don't interact with thousands of people a day any more.

 We generally celebrate holidays like Mother's Day or Father's Day the day before since we don't want to deal with the traffic of difficulty of reservations, and this year was no different.

My Dad asked to go back to the town we grew up in, and it was great to drive around, particularly because I've used Google Maps on and off for the 21 years since we left the town. I also went back with my Dad about 10 years ago and accessed the schools via back doors to see what had changed inside.

He and I have always had the adventurous spirit - better to beg forgiveness than ask permission and we were caught in the elementary and middle school when we went back tot the town 10 years ago as intruders, even thought we had no nefarious purpose. I do understand the caution, but it was mildly funny to me how many times we've struck out with destination unknown only to meet halfway as we were trying to sneak into places undetected and see behind the scenes if they didn't lock the doors.

My mother and sister are on the opposite end of the the spectrum. My mom has blown a few deals by telling too much of the truth, and my sister is just too afraid to even ask for an exception.

Example: there was a pool owned by the Township which we spent many happy hours at when we were growing up, and even when I was on the swim team (I won a few awards for backstroke then), and Dad and I wanted to see how they've worked with the space in the intervening 20+ years. I deferred to him to explain since an older person with white hair would win over me, and sure enough the gate attendant said sure, go ahead.

There's a new wading pool (for the very young kids), a splash pad, a sprinkler area, and a training pool where they teach kids how to swim, all of which is awesome! The pool I knew is still there, even the high dive board (which most jump off of; I know I did!) with the 13 foot depth, and the lanes I used to swim in that were 6'-13' deep. My mom and sister didn't approach beyond the fencing because they were afraid of even asking to come in.

Scared of being told no, scared of being called on their reasoning, scared of...I don't even know what else.

I can't live that way. Yes, I'm scared of many things, but my reactions over times have come down to - will I be actually arrested? Is it something that I cannot come back from? 

When my mom and my sister are in the car, they backseat drive with gasps and interjections as to what they perceive as threats, and I cannot count the times I've basically said "You're not driving." Aka SHUT UP and stop panicking the driver (which they've done to me and and Dad particularly). Am I the best driver? No. Do I have awareness of my surroundings, yes. So STFU.

Given choices, I would have it be me and my dad. It's not perfect and he can be judgemental, but I feel bad that on Father's Day (early) he had to deal with my sister and Mom being hugely selfish. And honestly, my sister was the worst since she dictated what she wanted with no consideration. I hate to say I hate her. But really, I hate her in a few very specific ways. The rest of the ways I can settle for resentment.

And I wonder if she ever realizes what damage she's done to the family and then I realize oh, no. She has no idea and even when called out it wouldn't impact her (since my parents have still never called her to cook, clean, get her own place, etc) so I'm done being the bad guy to ask for those things from her. She is my parents' problem, unless I'm driving and she gives me another heart palpitation from freaking out about a car turning.

My sister is a woman who can literally talk for half an hour on a subject about her mileage and points on airlines (as an example) where the rest of us tuned out after 5 minutes and we told her "Are you still talking about this [subject]?" which is pretty damn clear of "Ok, we're done with this." And she will still go on for the full time frame. I shift eye focus, start a separate conversation, and talk with my parents about their lives...and then she keeps going on the topic that is important to her. Complete disassociation from the current convo at that point. I keep wondering WTF is wrong with her, and will probably never get answers since she's in a whole different category. And no matter how bluntly I put it "Are you still on that topic?" "Didn't we already have this conversation?" "You know my answer, it will not change; decide for yourself" it's a fucking merry-go-round.

I have no idea how she functioned and is functioning in the real world giving talks at conferences. Or how those who work with her don't notice this unless she masks very well for the real world (which I can relate to), but damn. Anyone who intellectually loops like this would not work in my job at all. And I know it's driving my Dad nuts since she's either mute on a computer for 10 hours or uncontrollably regurgitating what point she wants to make for 30+ minutes, but there are few things he can do about it, which sucks, since my Mom will always back her up, even past the 10 year mark of get your own goddamn place, you're an adult. Anxiety excuses can only bring you so far. Now it's just comfort and laziness.

OMG it's been busy at work and the summer interns arrived June 3rd so that's going to make it even busier, but such is life at an investment bank. I FINALLY got around to apartment maintenance and food shopping since I'd used up almost every easy thing to cook that I had in the house. 

Today my parents and sister came for brunch at D'Amore's Caffe & Toast, which was lovely. The toasts are the perfect size so you're full, but not stuffed, unlike a lot of brunch dishes. We went for a walk on the boardwalk afterwards, which is one of the things I love about being down the shore, and the ocean was a calm blue-green, with waves only 1-2 feet even though there were surfers out there anyway.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to get laundry done since they're painting my laundry room Wed-Fri, Sat is Father's Day (we celebrate a day early since on the day itself you can barely get a reservation and it tends to be a buffet), then Sunday I'll have to myself. It's amazing how time flies month to month although the days can seem to last forever, but I think that's more and more true as you age until you retire and can indulge your hobbies instead of what's necessary to make money. It's the mundane nature of work, chores, sleep, rinse and repeat that make it seem that way, I guess. Maybe someday I'll make it to retirement and be rested enough to do more, since I would gain ten and a half/eleven hours per day back.