Growing up we never talked about money as a household. My parents both were high school teachers so while they weren't making a ton we were comfortable, if on the lower end of our town's income, and they both had pensions so retirement was something that would just happen for them. Today when I mention I grew up in a house with one telephone (land line), one TV, no air conditioning except 1 window unit for my parents' bedroom, and one bathroom, people look at me like I came from Mars lol!

Along with the lack of general money knowledge, I knew to get a job as early as possible, so I started working part-time in the local library at 14, and straight on except for one summer in undergrad until 2020. The Covid break was my longest unemployment, at a little over 2 years, and over time in various jobs I ended up with a 403(b), 401(k), employee stock purchase program stock, small pension, small traditional IRA, and there was a ROTH IRA I had from 18 forward which I'd funded on and off. I looked at this and went "there's got to be a better way," especially since I now have another, current 401(k) and ESPP for SIB.

I tried to get a response from my current bank where my ROTH is, but after 6 months and 3 in-person visits being told "he'll call you" I finally gave up and found a different firm. They do wealth management with average AUM between 250,000 and 1M so I fit in that category and figured as their target client I would get decent service, plus they have a local branch.

So far I'm very happy with what they have, they understand my fairly conservative risk portfolio given the possible health issues that may occur (I didn't go into detail, just said I may have to retire early because of health reasons), and money is now being transferred over, although the full transfer of assets won't be finalized for a few months still because of the pension which requires more paperwork.

I've added money to the mental list of "things I wish my parents had told me" at least with budgeting, etc, but also realize that their retirement experiences are completely different from what mine are since they had the bulk of their money pre-403(b). I'm happy for them it worked out that way since I hate dealing with money. I've had an anxiety attack every day I've left the financial advisors offices, even if I can force myself to hold it together while I'm there, and I know this traces back to basically feeling like I was left to my own devices on these issues.

Oh well, I'll suffer a few more attacks I'm sure, but it will be worth it to hopefully never have to make major changes other than an occasional rollover or something of the sort pre-retirement. At the very least, my accounts are getting consolidated into 3 main, an annuity, a traditional IRA, and a ROTH IRA. All of my money will be gone from my former employer so if they try to do anything funky with the pension (which I wouldn't put past them), it's safely gone. I've never been much for risk, but this at least gives me some peace of mind.

I know my ob/gyn said I'm not peri-menopausal, but my friend brought up the logic that it is only a hormonal moment in time that the blood test captures, not the full picture. For the full picture it's taking into account:

1. Random hot flashes followed by horrible fatigue that are not blood sugar related. Protein helps, but doesn't offset it

2. Hair loss. I managed to reverse it by taking biotin supplements, but something was shifting to cause that, even after the liver symptoms reversed.

3. Sleep disturbances. I wrote this off to re-setting my schedule in the hospital where I had to be up by 7-8 am for breakfast and doctor rounds, but after a few months I still wake up at odd times, can't sleep in and have to take naps to try and address the lingering fatigue. I still don't have a total handle on this and am using my "lunch break" as "crash out on the loveseat and sleep for an hour" breaks.

The IUD keeps my period away permanently, so that's not a reliable gauge, but considering all of these other symptoms, and having my thyroid tested as well (it's fine), the only thing left is peri-menopause. 

So for now I'll try to figure out how to address the sleep problems, and find what can work for me since my doctor isn't going to help me out on it. Billions of women have made it through menopause without any assistance, so I guess it's time for me to join their ranks. Portable fan, check. Quick-dry towel to wrap around my neck when flashing, check. The rest will follow. 

I made the mistake of responding to one of the more ignorant comments by my cousin on Facebook. He's 100% MAGA/Trump to the point of alienating his brothers, and occasionally I will respond with facts. In regards to the US removal of Maduro from Venezuela I stated that the action didn't accomplish much since there's no concrete plan of how to follow up other than "Oil!" and that installing the VP instead of the opposition leader as the new government head will accomplish very little, if anything. We risk further destabilizing the country for no other reason than Trump got a bee in his bonnet about it and didn't even check with Congress (I phrased it more diplomatically).

Aaaand cue the flying monkey Trumpers who are all of his Florida retired golfing buddies. Even pulling examples from the past century of interventions/occupations/nation-building that the US has tried and failed at (and the list is long) didn't sway their view that this was the US's Trump-given right and that this will be different.

I eventually just hit like on one of the more moderate comments and peaced out, since it really is like talking to walls. They pulled out the "Oh, and Trump is still your President," and the Lefty/liberal jokes as...I don't know, proof of something? Or more likely, a convenient way to dismiss the facts I was presenting about prior engagements and how Panama was the exception since we DID install the opposition leader who had rightfully won election and was prevented from taking power by Noriega.

I miss when actual discussions could be had on various topics and it wasn't an instant brand of MAGA vs Liberal and name-calling. Facts do matter, have always mattered, and contrary to some popular opinion, will continue to matter in the present and future. When did we lose the capacity for debate? I know Facebook is not the place to find intellectual arguments, but the sheer volume of hatred and disdain for others is rather horrific. I think it's past time for me to leave Facebook alone again. 

Another Christmas in the books, and I tried to maximize my family time while minimizing the family antagonizing time. I was partially successful, but I knew my sister would be in super spaz mode because she's still trying to get things organized to move to her new apartment she bought in Chicago. My mom is in super control mode on every holiday as a given, and I'm just happy my aunt is still alive for this Christmas although considering she still does, well, everything she's not supposed to, it remains to see how much longer she can deny the reality of her waning health.

It also probably didn't help that I got my IUD replaced on Monday. It had to be done though since the other one was aged out, and while it was still extremely painful at least I knew what to expect this time around. When I got the Gardasil shots they made me wait 15 minutes before leaving to make sure I didn't faint. They should do that for people getting IUDs since even with pre-knowledge, deep breathing, and Tylenol pre-procedure, I had to stop at the bathroom, collapse on the toilet, and figure out if I was going to vomit, shit myself, or faint for a couple of minutes before I could pull myself together. Minor cramping and bleeding since but I was EXHAUSTED.

As a result, I was in bed by 9pm at the latest for all 3 days I was at my parents, napped whenever we went north in the car, but still managed to make meringue cookies and finally got home today. Tomorrow I'm hoping to get my floors cleaned, but I'm not going to push since emotionally and physically I still feel wrung out.

I've done my family duty for a while and for now I need to take care of me. 

 It was a good, if long weekend. I had to be up early on Saturday to bring my stand mixer, cookie sheets, rolling pin, sifter, and racks to my parents since I own basically all of the baking hardware and mom has very little, plus I had wrapped the last gift I had delivered last week and was bringing those down as well as my suitcase with jams for cookies and clothes for an overnight stay. Basically I was bringing down twice what I brought back, and once I arrived I was the organizer/chief baker to make sure we were chilling one dough while mixing another to maximize our time and get to 3 batches in about 4 hours. 

My aunt used to fulfill that role, minus the stand mixer, so it used to take longer since cookie doughs get very stiff compared to cake batters, and we were often kneading the last bit of flour in by hand once the spoon wouldn't go through it anymore, but with the mixer it cuts that time in half. One of the best buys I ever made, it was $60 at Lidl and has lasted four years so far with nary a glitch. Never underestimate German engineering, even if made in China.

From there it was off to holiday karaoke since my dad has a great voice and had promised to sing with a 90 year old woman in their retirement community. My mom has no interest since she knows her voice isn't great, so it was no problem, but I was tired from a full week of work and then being on my feet baking all day. Luckily in a retirement community leaving at 7:30 is acceptable and I was in bed by 9. Even sleeping on the fold out couch didn't interrupt my sleep.

Today we went to a beautiful restaurant near where I live to celebrate my Dad's birthday which was the past Wednesday and their 54th anniversary which was the past Friday, and we really had a good time just hanging out with each other. If you're ever in the area, Scarborough Fair isn't cheap, but the food is fantastic, the place is so picturesque and decorated for every holiday, and it's a perfect place to celebrate small special occasions! Overall a busy weekend, but worth it in every way.

I have Wednesday and Friday off, so we're doing Christmas Eve down the shore then going north to pick up my aunt and do Christmas dinner out. I'm not sure how many days to spend there since I'll be on the couch, but I'll probably stay at least until Saturday. So more family time coming up, but no major rifts in the family now, so I hope it stays that way! Merry Christmas! 

The new schedule for going into NYC definitely works better for me since I actually enjoyed our holiday party and didn't have an "episode" unlike last year. My body doesn't do get up and go any more; I woke up, showered, worked from home 9-12:30, then headed in to the city, and did a bit of touristy stuff since our office is right by Rockefeller Center. From there it was off to the office and walking to dinner. Because I live so far away my train only runs about once every two hours and I still was home about quarter to 1am, so it was a long day but far more doable than trying to cram in a full day of work AND the commute AND dinner.

Every time I'm in the city I love it. I feel alive, connected, one with the movement and activity around me. I walk for blocks not even realizing it is what I call exercise in the suburbs since around here it takes forethought and effort to go somewhere where wandering happens organically. In NYC it's all of it, all of the time, always more to see and do, and never enough time to do it. Do my feet hurt? Yes. But compared to being bored as hell on a treadmill in a gym, or even walking along the ocean, it was and probably always will be my favorite form of unconscious exercise.

It's not that I don't remember the bad times. When I was crouched by the door of the subway crying because hauling my laptop between offices three times a week was stretching my abdominal scar tissue so much that crouching was the only relief from the pain. When I was too drunk to go somewhere or do something I had planned, and let myself just stay in to drink and watch Netflix instead. When my refuge was a small studio, so my life inside was basically a small box. And a million other things as well.

But I made my mistakes and honestly can't guarantee I wouldn't make them again if I did move back to the city. As wonderful as it can be, it is a double-edged sword and the constant stimulation was something that eventually backfired. Still, it is something I have fond memories of and can safely relive, if only for one night. 

For now, I need to catch up on rest, cook for the week, buy the last of my Christmas gifts, then family holiday time will be in full swing next weekend. I had a glimpse into the window of my past, but now it's time to tend to the present. 

 Holiday shopping is (mostly) done, Christmas cards are mailed out, and today we laid grave blankets on all of my relatives on my mom's side buried in Gate of Heaven Cemetery, followed by lunch with my cousins. It's odd to say that going to the cemetery is a fun day, but we trade stories, catch up with each other, and generally have a pretty good time. My youngest first cousin just turned 60 in November and has a new condo and new job, and I'm so happy for him! His daughter is graduated with her masters and going into child psychology, and although I know it's a tough field she seems to really like it which is awesome.

 Overall it's just been very busy for me, hectic at work and still sleep disordered, although I asked my hepatologist about it and he reassured me that it's not due to liver and ammonia buildup since my cognitive functioning is not impaired. Still, I keep going and hope that some day I'll be able to get decent sleep again.

Thursday we're having our annual holiday party in NYC, which makes me nervous since last December led to a terrible dizzy spell and subsequent ER visit rather than making it to the restaurant. I was still too sick to make it to the other bi-annual meetup over the summer, so this will be the first time I'm making it back since last year. I'm still prone to random hot flashes and bouts of exhaustion following them, so I'm hoping I don't get one and carrying protein bars since there's not much else I can do.

I'm also going in later instead of trying to work a full day then do dinner, and basically face a 20-22 hour day vs. going in closer to the dinner and knowing that I literally have put in that time and then some over the years to make up one day where I do minimal work.

I hope everything goes smoothly. I just have to work on starting out well-rested in addition to preparing for the worst. My MELD score is down to 16 from a high of 30-something in May, so I'm healthier at least. 

It's been busy. My aunt is home from the rehab, but really can't live alone since her memory is so bad, and even with in-home help we're probably going to have to legally force her into assisted living. So that should get interesting.

 On my side, I've been catching up, going to see another hepatologist for a second opinion, getting my shots, and my colonoscopy was yesterday (only one small polyp, yay!). I need to sleep more but my body is still finding ways to wake me up between 4-6 am so naps have become increasingly necessary. I take my food break now as an hour to crash out on my sofa, then back to the grind. Every morning I set my alarm for 9 or 10 and never need it. *sigh*

 I still need to do about 12 more health-related things, but I'm just tackling one at a time since that's the only speed I can do right now. First shingles shot is next Tuesday, then I have to work on scheduling a mammogram and abdominal ultrasound (might as well knock both off if I can get back-to-back imaging appointments). The rest will follow.

And people wonder why I start Christmas shopping in August lol. 

Halloween/horror movie season is starting soon :D! I'll be interested to see if they add new movies to the usual Halloween/Nightmare on Elm St/Friday the 13th rotation since quite a few new ones have come out over the past couple of years and I've seen the 80s ones a million times. Those are good to have on in the background when I'm working, but don't really hold my active interest any more.

My aunt is in a rehab to get stronger before she returns home since, as she's finding out, recovery at 85 is not a simple task. Not that she's reconciled with that fact, and apparently she offended the one remaining cousin near her age who's still alive and close by, so unfortunately when she returns home she'll really be on her own. 

My lease renewal arrived about a week ago, and even though the last thing I want would be to try and live with and take care of her (not because I don't love her, but because she defines intractably difficult patient), I offered to give up my apartment and move in with her. My parents said no and I know they're right; I have enough going on with my health and staying sober that the added stress would be a huge burden, but I had to at least offer.

And my sister, who has relied on my parents' and aunt's generosity in free housing for over a decade now, suddenly decided she's buying a co-op alcove studio in Evanston, IL. The location makes some sense because she went undergrad to Northwestern University so she knows/knew the area, and god knows it's cheaper than NJ (it's about $110,000 there, here it would be about $350,000-$400,000). The timing, however, is highly suspect.

Not that I'm shocked. I called this years ago, that when the time came to return the care given to her she would run as fast and far as she could, and so far she's following the expected pattern. In terms of people to rely on when things get tough, she is one who would be quite far down on my list and she's proving why yet again. I can't do much around working full time so it will fall to my parents, and whoever/however they can get some form of home care since my aunt's insurance doesn't cover a full time caregiver, and of course she won't sell her house and relocate to assisted living. At some point it will be forced on her due to declining health, or she may just pass away. I hope she doesn't use her gun(s), but that also is a possibility, and there's little we can do about that.

In other news, I suspect my hot flashes/chills/fatigue crashes are caused by peri-menopause/menopause, so I'll see what my gynecologist has to say about it on Friday.  I think there's a blood test they can do to figure out if my body has started the process, and if it has I may be a few years in already, but I'm not opposed to HRT as an option. So it's off to another doctor, then another liver specialist, a colonoscopy, mammogram, and MAYBE I'll be done for the year. *sigh* This is my horror movie, unending medical problems and doctor visits to manage them along with family complications. Oh well, hopefully no real-life jump scares or murders :).

Well, it's a good thing I got to relax in Newport because it's certainly been a long 4 days since getting back. Work has been crazy busy, and my aunt ended up back in the hospital on Wednesday with dehydration and walking pneumonia. We knew she was dehydrated and wasn't doing great, but since she lives alone and we're one and a half hours away even without traffic on the Parkway we couldn't do more than ask her to drink more water and eat.

In some ways it's better she's in the hospital since they'll feed and hydrate her along with taking care of the pneumonia, but longer term we need to find something that works to get her to take better care of herself post-surgery. The major problem is that we can't do it without her accepting things have permanently changed for her way of life. She is 85, nothing will turn back the clock. It takes longer to recover, and serious commitment to change, and she's not there yet.

I get it. I fought for 10 years to accept that I had cirrhosis and a major relapse/hospitalizations until I'm finally (so far) doing better. I cheat on my diet when I eat out, but I cook as much as I can, do the low sodium thing, take my medications, stay sober, try to get decent sleep, and keep up with my doctors while working full time. Not going to lie - it's a lot and I still get angry sometimes that I'm 46 but have the energy level/health problems of someone 20 years older, but I have accepted the responsibility for that and now am just trying to make it better and settle into new routines.

She doesn't have 10 more years in all likelihood, however, and if she can't reconcile the new reality with what she is willing to change then it will only be a short while until she passes away. It is her choice though, and I respect that, share my experience of health problems starting when I was 20 with the botched appendicitis and what worked/didn't work for me, and hope she understands and adapts. 

I finally had a mini-vacation and went with my mom to Newport, RI for a long weekend, which was great fun! She hadn't been there in over 15 years and things are much more built up than before, but there's still a nice mix of local shops along with the major chain stores, and the mansions were very interesting. We did a mix of everything - lobster rolls, afternoon tea at Marble House, two mansion tours, dinner at the White Horse Tavern, and shopping, so much so that in one day I logged over 15,000 steps. For someone who normally clocks 2,500-3.500 it was quite a change but I certainly slept well!

I also realized that while I've been admitted to the hospital four times this year, the last time I stayed in a hotel was 2022. Let me reiterate that, it's been three years since I stayed in a hotel! That's probably the longest I've ever gone between vacations (even then it was one night in Atlantic City for a concert), and this wasn't even a full week, just four nights away. Now that I've been in my job coming up on three years I need to start planning time off again, and stay sober so that I can use my PTO for fun things, not hospital stays and endless doctor appointments.

 I'm still looking for a condo/townhouse/house that comes in under $500,000 for a 2 bed/2 bath. While I haven't given up, I am realizing just how far I would have to move before that's a real possibility. Anything on a train line to NYC is right out unless I want to get shot waiting for the train, and while near Philly is more affordable it's not really close to family or NYC, so that limits those possibilities. Maybe down near where my parents are, which would be 20-30 minutes to a bus that would take an hour and a half to arrive in Port Authority, but that might be the most likely area.

For now though I'll just focus on keeping my job, saving what I can, and hope the coming recession drops prices enough that I can take advantage of it (not that I want that, but Trump's doing everything in his power to crash the economy so we shall see). I have a lot to be proud of in terms of getting stability and that's good enough for now. 

I can't believe it's been almost 2 weeks since I checked into the hospital. Although I'm mostly better, the lag time to rebuild my strength just seems to get longer and longer. When I was there I averaged under 1,000 steps per day, mostly because I had to drag an IV stand around with me which is a huge pain in the ass. I tried to make it up with between 3,000-7,000 steps over the succeeding days and weekend at home, and while I got a lot done, I'm just fucking exhausted.

More than anything I need like a month off, but that's not going to happen so it's back to the grind, falling asleep occasionally at my desk when fatigue overwhelms me, and just trying to get back to where I was a year ago. I may never be 100% at that level again, but I'll keep trying on a modified scale. 

 So it's been a tad bit hectic. I spiked a fever of 103 on Monday-Tuesday, and had my primary care appointment Wed which I already had scheduled months ago. I explained what happened, he said to keep me posted and gave me a LabCorp scrip for CBC, CMP, urinalysis, and blood culture as a just in case. That weekend I went to see my aunt since she was home from the hospital.

She's still confused and ornery as hell with medical things (nurse visitations, medications she has to take, etc) and complains ad nauseam that this wasn't an immediate fix to revert her to 20 years ago. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, but whatever, at least she's trying somewhat, and I'm glad I got to see her in person.

As for me, I got a lot done Sunday and Monday, then by Tuesday afternoon I was freezing cold and it was 81 in the apartment according to the thermostat. Uh oh. Sure enough, my fever swung between 102-104.8, which I even started getting nervous about, so Thursday morning I went to get the labs done. Downside? I literally only got the last bit of results today since I guess it takes a week through LabCorp. I made a special request to share even preliminary results, and suffered through the rest of the week with severe UTI symptoms. 

Saturday morning I get a call from the covering doctor that my blood culture came back positive which means it's ER time. Off to Jersey Shore Medical again, knowing they'll admit me for sepsis and IV antibiotics and sure enough, that's how it went. I was in the hospital Sat-Tues afternoon, so worked from the hospital only one day, which was good. Of course my body's still freaking out but I'm just on oral antibiotics now and god I hope it clears everything. I've spent way too much time in the hospital for someone my age. I suppose I'll find out if this is the end of my terrible, horrible, no good year *fingers crossed*.

My aunt is getting one of her heart valves replaced today so I'm hoping for good news even though she insists she won't take medication post-surgery. That means she'll likely die soon, but we've all talked to her about it and ultimately it's her choice. You can lead a horse to water and all that, but we can't make her do what's best for her, something I understand intimately since drinking is the same thing for me. You know it's killing you, but you come back to it as a denial of reality.

Since my dad went north yesterday to be with her and take her to the hospital today, I spent yesterday with my mom which is usually a fun time. In many ways I love spending time with my parents, I just don't want to live with them lol. We did lunch at a historic inn in Sea Girt, then headed to Costco to get new glasses and contacts since I finally had my checkup and I do need a new prescription (plus my contacts expired about 3-4 years ago). 

While we were at the opticians, she was remarking how much my mom and I look alike, and we absolutely do physically. I got the Irish complexion with a bit of Polish thrown in and we both have the same rounded face. Of course, while I look like her, I have my dad's temperament. If something is broken, I jury rig something to fix it. If something has to be done I go do it rather than procrastinating. When a decision needs to be made, I think about it but make a final choice on a normal timeline. My mom and sister fall on the opposite end of the spectrum, where things are delayed as long as possible and you practically have to force them to make a now-or-never decision.

My mom is always like "I need to hire a cleaning lady" (their house is kind of gross at this point since she doesn't want to clean anymore), "I have to decide on a paint color" (it's been 20 years and no paint has been chosen), etc. I've also never heard a retired person complain more that they have no time to get to these things and I'm like "Um, you're retired. You have more time now than you ever did when you were working and raising me and my sister."

Similarly, when my sister quit her job, it was like "Ok, she's taking a break." Then a year passed, two years passed, she moved back in with my parents and has been there ever since. She comes up with plans "I'll open a breakfast for dinner restaurant" (she can't cook well), "I'll invest in Bitcoin" (that did work out for her), "I'll buy an off-grid house" (this is the person who is afraid of sharp objects and bees, with zero construction experience).

It's a lack of follow through for both of them. To her credit my sister did try to be a normal human being when she took the job at the Fed, but that was required for a set numbers of years post-grad school since they gave her a scholarship that paid for said school. She voiced resentment to that requirement long before her required years were done, and stayed a few years afterwards, but somewhere along the way she let the resentment drive the bus, hence where she quit a fantastic job because she hates being told what to do.

She's afraid of sharp objects as I mentioned, including kitchen knives, but again to her credit she took a course (basically Knives 101) on how to properly handle one. I don't know if Sven, who she was dating at the time, was behind that since he was quite an excellent cook, but she completed the training. Then never practiced using knives, so for the past decade she carves apples with a butter knife, and cooks grains and pasta that don't require chopping. She won't even chop an onion to pop in the grain pot for flavor. Again, lack of follow through where it reaches a certain amount of effort and acknowledgement of the problem then she mentally runs and hides.

It's a similar situation with her refusing to move out of my parents house. She's been there twelve or thirteen years now, refuses to take any regular, full time job since she doesn't want to feel tied down or obligated to an employer, and pays lip service to moving out even though there's been no movement. She's stuck in limbo, kind of an extended adolescence, where she renounced the world of adulting and decided to go back to the butter knife of parents taking care of everything and doing nothing but what she feels like doing at the time.

I don't get it. Truly and sincerely, if I decide I'm getting a job, moving out, adulting, driving, cooking for myself, getting a car, these were non-negotiable. I don't half-ass it, I do it. God knows I have my own flaws, but at least I can say that I follow through like my dad.

As I was working today an email went out to the entire NY firm - active shooter at 345 Park Ave, stay inside and wait for updates. Since I now work from home it didn't impact me, but I remembered my times of WTF when I was in NYC. When the steam pipe blew up Lexington Ave, two crane collapses, an earthquake, random shootings, stabbings, and robberies on Jay St and Willoughby, and a few others.

It's part of living in an old city packed to the gills with people and occasional disasters, and I came to accept it fairly quickly. Stay safe, be aware of your surroundings, always have a plan B, and bring food & water everywhere in case you get stuck under the river on the subway. In all of my time there, however, there was never a random active shooter situation, much less down about two blocks from where I used to work in Midtown.

It sounds like this was a murder/suicide from someone who came from Las Vegas, but active shooters are equally frightening no matter where it occurs since it is random violence, often without a motive, that you can't predict. Luckily I don't know anyone who works in that building but there is that initial spike of adrenaline I still have when I hear of things happening around where I worked for over thirteen years. At another time I could have been caught up in a similar situation even though they kept security pretty tight at LIB.

Despite the insanity though, I still miss NYC. I don't think I'll ever stop but at least I'm happier here, since the trade-offs in living there were getting greater as I aged and the city changed, but I guess that's a metaphor for life.

I just logged on to check news before bed and damn. Anne Burrell's death was ruled a suicide by the ME. I was hoping that it was natural causes despite the reports about pills being found around her body, but whatever demons she had must have been too much for her that day/week/month.

She was one of my favorite Food Network personalities and Worst Cooks in America was always required viewing since I discovered it around the 6th season. Her ability to teach well with tough love and her genuine enjoyment of the profession rang true much more so than other "celebrity chefs," and she will be sorely missed.

I hope she's found some form of peace now, and I will always cook with "slices, sticks, and dices" and "brown food tastes good" in my mind. 

One of the many times I saw Counting Crows (at SummerStage in Central Park that time) I LOVED the band that opened for them, even though I'd never heard of them before. I went to see that band again a few years later at Terminal 5 and it was just another amazing experience which I cherish to this day as one of my best concerts.

The band is Michael Franti and Spearhead, and I was scheduled to see them again before Covid hit, so naturally it was rescheduled and canceled a few times. By the time there was another definite date I had been working for over a year, living in South Jersey, and even though I booked a hotel I was just too tired to make the trip for a Wednesday night concert.

So I was thrilled when I saw he was coming to Ocean Resort & Casino in Atlantic City since that's a relatively easy place to get to for me nowadays. I planned to stay over my parents' house since they live even closer, and asked if they wanted to come. They both said yes, which surprised me, but great! I booked 3 tickets in the seated section since they're 80 years old and their standing days at a concert are long past.

When I saw him in the past it was very peace and love, but tended more towards African beats and reggae/dancehall. And he was more open and honest than I'd ever seen him since he's obviously come a long way in his life since I saw him about twelve years ago. He's found his soulmate, had two children (one just arrived a couple of months ago), gone through his midlife crisis, and recently lost both his birth mother and adopted mother. He told us about it with such poignancy that it was easy to forget you weren't talking to him, that he was speaking to a concert hall full of fans, but I could relate so much and was so happy that he had found some peace for himself.

A lot of his recent songs are from those times and I will definitely be downloading a few that really hit home for me since he is sharing that hope that we find our place, things do get better, and there will be sunshine even when it's dark in your life at the moment. If I ever see him performing and am in the area I will definitely be at his concert again. Not many bands can give me hope, but he does. 

I can actually eat normally again, although I'm more careful about minimizing processed food because of the sodium content. Yesterday we headed down to the Wildwood BBQ Festival, shared ribs, pulled pork & coleslaw, and cornbread and my stomach and pancreas had no trouble. The cornbread was so good it inspired me to bake some today, and I was so happy to have something other than fish or chicken!

 I'm slowly getting through the backlog of things on my to-do list since I normally wake up around 7-8am now so I have the whole day. Shredding, recycling, trash, laundry, peach-cherry banana muffins, and blueberry lemon cornbread have all been done, and cleaning was last weekend so I'm fairly caught up at this point.

I also went a little crazy during Prime Day since I'm still nesting in the apartment and getting things ready. It's easy to fall into a routine, and one of the major things I did when I moved out of NYC after 11 years in my last apartment was throw away things I still had with me from college (I bought them in 1997-2004 between undergrad & grad) since I never replaced them. Now that I'm pulling in a good salary, my retirement accounts are set up, and I have savings, I'm trying not to literally use things that are worn out/don't work/don't use/don't fit any more.

Not that I'm doing a full purge, but I really do hang on to things beyond their useful life. The next major clean will be to evaluate my wardrobe, partly because I no longer physically go to work, partly because my weight has fluctuated so much, and partly because (again) I have 20+ year old clothes that have seen better days and are just taking up space. I ordered some new tops/dresses/shorts during Prime Day and hopefully it will be a place to start next weekend.

 Yesterday I went back to my parents for the fireworks down there and was reminded of two things:

1) Do not try to go south on the Parkway on Friday or Saturday or north on Sundays in the summer. I had to take a secondary route home unless I felt like waiting hours in bumper to bumper traffic (spoiler alert: I didn't).

2) Dear lord, how in the hell did I put up with the yelling and dysfunction for three years during Covid or the 6 weeks recently? I think I just learned to shut it out which makes it that much more jarring when I return.

 Those two things notwithstanding, I very much enjoyed the fireworks and also brought down corn on the cob and pumpernickel bread from a farm stand near me as well as banana-lemon bread I had baked. I have baked oatmeal with fruit in the fridge for breakfast and tortellini to make for the week's food so I'm good to go. I also managed to mop my wood floors and vacuum the rugs today, although scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom floors will have to wait for another day since I'm still (mostly) pacing myself.

Speaking of which, I'm still finding myself more tired than I remember so I must still be building back my strength. I'd say I'm about 85% though, which is a VERY significant improvement, and more so since being back in the apartment since I am more physically active just by cleaning, doing errands, hauling groceries, cooking, and baking.

I also am down 90 pounds from my heaviest in May 2023 at 227 lbs, and barely fit into the clothes I had when I left NYC at 140, so I may have to go shopping at some point, but that can wait for now since it's not like I'm going out to work every day. Now I get to see if I can maintain that weight! 

I'm so happy to be back home! Today I moved back to my apartment and was seriously running out of patience. I was so tired of having my mom watch everything I ate and did, their constant talking during my work day when any interruption when she's on the computer is met with "Can't you see I'm busy?!" and most of all the low-level tension that exists between my parents. I know that relationship and see the tension they both hold toward each other's shortcomings, but they also know that I will listen to them complain about each other. What they don't get is how much that tension rubs off on me when I'm there for long periods of time. It sucks, always has, and always will, but for my own health I needed them to help me do just daily tasks.

I've still got about 10 pounds of water weight to shed, but today I enlisted them to help me food shop, I Swiffered the apartment, made peach-strawberry quick bread for breakfast this week, and tomorrow I'm making meatloaf. It's more energy than I've had in over a month.

Of course the flip side is that I'm still awake since I'm just reveling in being able to relax, watch TV, and not have to deal with them for a while. I figure that as long as I can sleep tomorrow night I'll be good to go, since I don't need the crazy amount of sleep any more that I did when I left the hospital. Six weeks makes a big difference.

So for now, I'm enjoying the peace and quiet and I know I can keep on the proper path. The alternative is no longer an alternative without seriously risking death.