I'm starting to catch up on sleep and also starting to plan my May floor cleaning (I try to do a deep clean every 2-3 months). I'm finding, however, that with my sleep deficit from earlier this month and the fact that buying a house takes almost as much out of me mentally and emotionally as another part-time job would be, I'm still freaking tired on the regular.

I know what would help. Sit down on the weekend, make a checklist for the week even if it's as simple as find out about pre-approval channels and money logistics with all of the sub-steps. If I can line up the questions the night before after I get off of work, then I have the morning to make any calls/visits necessary to at least get a mental structure of what I'll need on a practical basis.

I also know that I don't know what I don't know, but this will get me closer to patching those gaps or at least know someone in the lender/real estate company that can identify anything missing. It's their job, and I'm sure it's boring as shit to go over loan applications, but it's all new to me since I haven't taken any loans since grad school (22 years ago!). Luckily I'm a fast learner, and my parents to help out even though it's been 20+ years for them as well since they bought a new house so times will have changed.

Sleep, off to open house tomorrow, at some point do all the weekly apartment things and squeeze a couple monthly ones in if I can. Cook since I have to use points for this month anyway and Acme gives a pretty good deal on rewards members for meat discount. Not hectic at all for normal people, but definitely add in some layers of difficulty in stamina and mental fortitude in my case.

It's been one of those months where I feel like we're only two days into April instead of 15. Mostly it's because I'm starting to get serious about condo hunting now that I have a pretty firm idea of what I want and need in a home. It doesn't have to be turnkey, but must be clean and fairly well taken care of. I do want a garage since I HATE having to dig my car out in the winter. Full 2 bed, 2 bath, preferably in a complex about 2 minutes away from where I live now so I already know the area and won't have to switch out doctors again.

It's also because my sleep has been indescribably bad. Three hours here, an hour and a half there, if I'm lucky about 6 solid at night, so naps have been keeping me afloat but severely cutting into my block of awake time.

This week will be warm, so I'll sleep with the windows open, it may turn out to be healthier for my breathing. 

I finally got the chance to go see my friend in Florida, and it was amazingly great! Not just because she and I struggle with many of the same issues, so I can completely be myself around her, but because I love spending face to face time rather than just on the phone and it does soothe my (minimal) need for human contact. Random politeness in the supermarket, which is my most common interaction, just doesn't stack up lol.

However, it also physically got me away from here. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my apartment and have worked hard to make it a safe mental haven for me, but there's something completely different about getting on a plane knowing that you're capable of leaving that comfort behind in search of new adventures which has always endeared me to traveling. I go into it knowing that yes, I will spend hours in airports and grabbing horribly overpriced food on the go, but I bring a book or my sewing and know the destination will be worth it.

The last bit of Shawshank Redemption is absolutely spot on in so many ways, but the quote "I find I'm so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain" covers it so well. I felt it when I went to Hong Kong for a month, when I flew to Europe, even when I was driving to Newport, RI in September. It's the destination, not the nitty gritty of the journey, that makes the stress worthwhile, and allows me to appreciate being home with a new perspective as well when I return.

I discovered Wakulla Springs this time around, spent quality time with my friend, and I'm so grateful that I could re-discover that travel excitement again!

Hepatologist appointment went as well as it could, and I get 6 more months before another follow up, so yay! Not coincidentally it's also been over a year since my last drink on March 20th last year. Have I wished I could again? Yes. Do I dream sometimes that I'm drinking or drunk? Yes. But the memory of just how badly things can go with my liver and basically all bodily systems at this point from the decades of damage has kept me clean. To quote Egwene from "The Great Hunt" in The Wheel of Time book series, "I don't think there's any going back for me ever."

So I'm continuing forward, despite the constantly shitty news flow and detrimental actions of our current government, knowing that where I am is the best I can be now, and trying to keep my anxiety in check in more natural ways. That's good enough for now. 

Tomorrow I'm off to see my hepatologist and don't have to take time off of work since he's going to be in the office an hour away instead of across the state, and because I worked a half day on MLK Day so I could have a half day tomorrow.

I shouldn't be nervous. I've seen my blood test results and ultrasound results and while they really aren't going back to 100% normal it's still better. But something about this makes me afraid every time. Maybe it's similar to what cancer survivors feel when they have their checkups post-treatment, that awful sense that things can get that bad again. Is it probable? No. Possible? For the rest of my life, yeah.

I saw my sister's extremely unconventional approach to a cancer diagnosis and watched that anxiety eat up over a decade of her remaining years due to never going to therapy and dealing with it. She got lucky that she had a longshot bet on Bitcoin that sustained her financially, and parents that let her stay rent-free for 15 years. Yes, she traveled. Yes, she felt more in control of her life.

But I saw the full picture. She went from being high-strung to being relatively non-functional in stressful situations. She was afraid to be home alone after dark. She refused to drive unless she absolutely had to, and even as a passenger would scream at the top of her lungs if she thought an accident was imminent (it never was). She squandered huge sums of money on supplements that are dubious at best when it comes to anti-cancer benefits (pancreas supplement anyone? And no, she didn't have pancreatic cancer), acupuncture, and high-end NYC doctors that as long as you pay them, they'll do whatever you want. 

Even putting the money aside, now she's going in for all of the anti-aging treatments that don't involve surgery. Maybe now she's regretting putting her life on hold for so long; I haven't gotten a solid read on that with her, but her new plan is living in Evanston and surviving on crypto trading so reality still hasn't given her a swift enough kick in the butt to conquer her fear of feeling "owned" by having a regular job.

So while I am anxious, I can work through it. Sure, tonight's dreams will likely suck since I don't have as much control over that, but I finished my shift tonight, am getting ready for bed, and will do the necessary tomorrow to show up, remain calm, discuss concerns, and know I'll have to do it all over again in 3 months, 6 months if I'm lucky. I refuse to give in to irrational fears and try to put rational fears in perspective because as I've seen, if you don't it just compounds.

If she ever does go to see a therapist and truly tells him what's going on (unlikely since she doesn't even tell her friends), he'll have a field day with her neuroses. I went through it all earlier on since I kept reaching out for help from undergrad until today, and I'm far from perfect, but for now it's being kept in check. 

God fucking dammit, I'm tired of waking up on random Saturdays only to find that Trump decided to invade/attack another country. And I'm tired of seeing the same MAGA people (including a few in my family) who were all "America First, get us out of forever wars" cheering him on when he's doing EXACTLY the opposite of what he said, and they suffer not a minute of cognitive dissonance. America, Fuck Yeah yippe-ki-yay motherfuckers. Have the day you voted for.

Oddly enough I was up watching Joker on Friday night, and identifying with the nihilist message threaded throughout, much as I do when I watch Fight Club. It's not that I'm promoting it as a philosophy worthy of action, but it speaks to that place in my soul that just wants to tear everything down sometimes. A vicarious outlet that helps me reset and focus on the good in the world instead after acknowledging my own dark side.

Then I wake up to Iran being bombed.

Fuck this timeline, and fuck Trump in particular (though CERTAINLY not in the literal sense) for somehow managing to bring out the worst in everybody and everything he touches, and skate away free of consequences every. damn. time. For now, I'm hoping this ends as well as it can, which is that Iran institutes a new government and Trump loses interest since he has the attention span of a gerbil. And of course that someday very soon that great big coronary comes his way and we can be rid of him forever. 

The angel food cake was a hit with everyone, and it lifted the way it was supposed to so imagine angel food cake taste without the rubbery texture store-bought cakes have. In short, it was amazing. Even my dad had 3-4 pieces over 2 days since he couldn't believe this is what it was supposed to taste like any other time he'd had it :D. I also had (naturally) 12 egg yolks to worth with, so I made 3 batches of lemon-lime curd to go with the cake and there was enough my mom and I could both freeze some for later use. My sister was happy as well, so everything went off without a hitch since it was one of the few weekends we've had no snow.

Speaking of snow, it's busy blizzarding right now and we have probably a foot plus on the ground so far. I lost power some time last night, but it's back and I'm crossing my fingers that it stays that way. I'm pretty sure we're going to break all kinds of records for snowfall since our winters have been so weak lately and this one is making up for all of the other years.

I made sure to get everything done that required going outside yesterday by 8 pm, so I'm good although I may try to dig my car out tomorrow so I can head to the beach and get some pictures. I want to make the most of my time here since if I do manage to buy a place in the next year it will be at least 15 minutes to the beach, not 5 like now. I'm pretty sure I'm going for either Brick or Toms River since they have semi-reasonable condos/townhouses, I'll still have access to NYC for my job, and most importantly, be close to my parents since they're turning 82 and I know time is limited for them.

So I'll keep stalking Zillow, and hope I find a reasonable place that has a garage. I don't think that's too much to ask. 

I have a very strong people pleasing streak which has impacted me to my detriment more times than I can count. Especially when it comes to family, despite some VERY deep-seated and dysfunctional relationships and interactions, I find myself still putting forth the extra effort. Often with my parents it is worth it since we've worked on our relationship a lot in the past 5 years, with some marked success. With my aunt it's always treading a fine line since she was always very temperamental and never really moved past seeing us as children since her world seems to have stopped about 40 years ago, sadly. I haven't seen much growth even though I tried, and now that she has dementia it's unlikely to improve so I've accepted it as is.

With my sister it's always been the most complicated, and also contributed to my trust issues with my parents. For now though, she probably won't be in the picture nearly as much since she's out in Evanston, so I can literally get some distance. I've also managed to disentangle the parent/sister issues over the past few years so it doesn't impact as much.

What remains is rather telling, however. For my birthday last year she got me a self-help book she had read. No really, that was the whole gift. For my family, I spend months pre-Christmas and birthdays getting cards, finding gifts they will like and use, and offering to bake something for them (a hobby I picked up over Covid). So this year I got her rechargeable hand warmers since Chicago can get super cold, a nice-smelling hand sanitizer spray with refill since she's germophobic, And I offered to bake since she'll be in this weekend.

She's kind of doing the "I don't want to age, ever" thing that tripped up my aunt, so she's doing all sorts of teeth whitening and cosmetic changes short of fillers/surgery since she's terrified of the medical profession, so it's another "white diet" time for her. Ok. I texted to ask if she wanted anything and she replied with angel food cake.

 It's a strange coincidence. Right before I got my job in 2022 and lost the time to devote to trying new bakes on the regular, I had bought a tube pan for that exact experiment, so this works out, oddly enough. It might turn out a disaster, but it's worth a try at least. I have that, a recipe for a stabilized whipped cream frosting, and can use the extra yolks to make a lemon-lime curd to go with the cake which should be delicious. So today before getting online for my early call at work I went food shopping, picked up the specialty ingredients, and I guess we'll see how it goes!

I guess for once my people pleasing will work out for me as well. 

This winter has been unreal. I got used to cold weather when I went to undergrad in Ithaca, NY since we had to walk to class no matter what the weather (no really, once they closed the county but we still had lecture, and this was pre-internet teaching so your butt had to be in that wood seat). NYC was no picnic either between the metal subway steps icing up and the wind blowing through the building canyons, but same deal. In order to get where you had to be, you got up, hiked to the subway, hiked out of the subway and into work.

Still, I don't remember more than a handful of days where the high remained below 15 and the wind chill was in negative territory. So today I had the luxury of staying in after seeing the temperature was 1 degree when I got up this morning, and cleaned my floors since I've been tracking in salt from the previous snowfalls. Especially after the last snow/ice event there are just mounds of snow and slabs of ice hanging out in all of the parking lots or on street corners since almost nothing has melted in two weeks.

I enjoy having four seasons. But considering this past summer was brutally hot in July, and now we're getting brutal cold in Dec/Jan/Feb, the temperature swings of over 100 degrees are a bit much. I have the appropriate clothes, since you can always put layers on whereas there's only so many you can take off in the summer, and they are getting a proper workout this year.

And finally of course, my greatest luxury is the ability to work from home every day. I know and appreciate it every damn day, and never lose sight of that, even when I feel like I'm being overworked. Compared to my last job, which defined overworked and then being taken advantage of in every possible way they could think of from benefits strangulation to what would now be 100% RTO and minimal pay, it certainly gave me a standard to measure against. And I'm BY FAR on the positive side of that equation in my new(ish) job.

It's also revealing that I consider a job I've been in for almost four years new(ish). Twenty five years ago, like most people first starting out, one year in a job was the exception not the rule as I was searching for what fit me within my field. And then I jumped from a year and a half to thirteen and a half years in that terrible job, where every year was worse, and the only recompense was living in NYC. 

While I do miss being in a social situation in offices, I wouldn't trade it at my age, and so I'm happy where I am. I'm just hoping these four years are the start of a long twenty year career at SIB. And also that the weather starts going above freezing sometime soon to melt some of this leftover snow lol.

Growing up we never talked about money as a household. My parents both were high school teachers so while they weren't making a ton we were comfortable, if on the lower end of our town's income, and they both had pensions so retirement was something that would just happen for them. Today when I mention I grew up in a house with one telephone (land line), one TV, no air conditioning except 1 window unit for my parents' bedroom, and one bathroom, people look at me like I came from Mars lol!

Along with the lack of general money knowledge, I knew to get a job as early as possible, so I started working part-time in the local library at 14, and straight on except for one summer in undergrad until 2020. The Covid break was my longest unemployment, at a little over 2 years, and over time in various jobs I ended up with a 403(b), 401(k), employee stock purchase program stock, small pension, small traditional IRA, and there was a ROTH IRA I had from 18 forward which I'd funded on and off. I looked at this and went "there's got to be a better way," especially since I now have another, current 401(k) and ESPP for SIB.

I tried to get a response from my current bank where my ROTH is, but after 6 months and 3 in-person visits being told "he'll call you" I finally gave up and found a different firm. They do wealth management with average AUM between 250,000 and 1M so I fit in that category and figured as their target client I would get decent service, plus they have a local branch.

So far I'm very happy with what they have, they understand my fairly conservative risk portfolio given the possible health issues that may occur (I didn't go into detail, just said I may have to retire early because of health reasons), and money is now being transferred over, although the full transfer of assets won't be finalized for a few months still because of the pension which requires more paperwork.

I've added money to the mental list of "things I wish my parents had told me" at least with budgeting, etc, but also realize that their retirement experiences are completely different from what mine are since they had the bulk of their money pre-403(b). I'm happy for them it worked out that way since I hate dealing with money. I've had an anxiety attack every day I've left the financial advisors offices, even if I can force myself to hold it together while I'm there, and I know this traces back to basically feeling like I was left to my own devices on these issues.

Oh well, I'll suffer a few more attacks I'm sure, but it will be worth it to hopefully never have to make major changes other than an occasional rollover or something of the sort pre-retirement. At the very least, my accounts are getting consolidated into 3 main, an annuity, a traditional IRA, and a ROTH IRA. All of my money will be gone from my former employer so if they try to do anything funky with the pension (which I wouldn't put past them), it's safely gone. I've never been much for risk, but this at least gives me some peace of mind.

I know my ob/gyn said I'm not peri-menopausal, but my friend brought up the logic that it is only a hormonal moment in time that the blood test captures, not the full picture. For the full picture it's taking into account:

1. Random hot flashes followed by horrible fatigue that are not blood sugar related. Protein helps, but doesn't offset it

2. Hair loss. I managed to reverse it by taking biotin supplements, but something was shifting to cause that, even after the liver symptoms reversed.

3. Sleep disturbances. I wrote this off to re-setting my schedule in the hospital where I had to be up by 7-8 am for breakfast and doctor rounds, but after a few months I still wake up at odd times, can't sleep in and have to take naps to try and address the lingering fatigue. I still don't have a total handle on this and am using my "lunch break" as "crash out on the loveseat and sleep for an hour" breaks.

The IUD keeps my period away permanently, so that's not a reliable gauge, but considering all of these other symptoms, and having my thyroid tested as well (it's fine), the only thing left is peri-menopause. 

So for now I'll try to figure out how to address the sleep problems, and find what can work for me since my doctor isn't going to help me out on it. Billions of women have made it through menopause without any assistance, so I guess it's time for me to join their ranks. Portable fan, check. Quick-dry towel to wrap around my neck when flashing, check. The rest will follow. 

I made the mistake of responding to one of the more ignorant comments by my cousin on Facebook. He's 100% MAGA/Trump to the point of alienating his brothers, and occasionally I will respond with facts. In regards to the US removal of Maduro from Venezuela I stated that the action didn't accomplish much since there's no concrete plan of how to follow up other than "Oil!" and that installing the VP instead of the opposition leader as the new government head will accomplish very little, if anything. We risk further destabilizing the country for no other reason than Trump got a bee in his bonnet about it and didn't even check with Congress (I phrased it more diplomatically).

Aaaand cue the flying monkey Trumpers who are all of his Florida retired golfing buddies. Even pulling examples from the past century of interventions/occupations/nation-building that the US has tried and failed at (and the list is long) didn't sway their view that this was the US's Trump-given right and that this will be different.

I eventually just hit like on one of the more moderate comments and peaced out, since it really is like talking to walls. They pulled out the "Oh, and Trump is still your President," and the Lefty/liberal jokes as...I don't know, proof of something? Or more likely, a convenient way to dismiss the facts I was presenting about prior engagements and how Panama was the exception since we DID install the opposition leader who had rightfully won election and was prevented from taking power by Noriega.

I miss when actual discussions could be had on various topics and it wasn't an instant brand of MAGA vs Liberal and name-calling. Facts do matter, have always mattered, and contrary to some popular opinion, will continue to matter in the present and future. When did we lose the capacity for debate? I know Facebook is not the place to find intellectual arguments, but the sheer volume of hatred and disdain for others is rather horrific. I think it's past time for me to leave Facebook alone again. 

Another Christmas in the books, and I tried to maximize my family time while minimizing the family antagonizing time. I was partially successful, but I knew my sister would be in super spaz mode because she's still trying to get things organized to move to her new apartment she bought in Chicago. My mom is in super control mode on every holiday as a given, and I'm just happy my aunt is still alive for this Christmas although considering she still does, well, everything she's not supposed to, it remains to see how much longer she can deny the reality of her waning health.

It also probably didn't help that I got my IUD replaced on Monday. It had to be done though since the other one was aged out, and while it was still extremely painful at least I knew what to expect this time around. When I got the Gardasil shots they made me wait 15 minutes before leaving to make sure I didn't faint. They should do that for people getting IUDs since even with pre-knowledge, deep breathing, and Tylenol pre-procedure, I had to stop at the bathroom, collapse on the toilet, and figure out if I was going to vomit, shit myself, or faint for a couple of minutes before I could pull myself together. Minor cramping and bleeding since but I was EXHAUSTED.

As a result, I was in bed by 9pm at the latest for all 3 days I was at my parents, napped whenever we went north in the car, but still managed to make meringue cookies and finally got home today. Tomorrow I'm hoping to get my floors cleaned, but I'm not going to push since emotionally and physically I still feel wrung out.

I've done my family duty for a while and for now I need to take care of me. 

 It was a good, if long weekend. I had to be up early on Saturday to bring my stand mixer, cookie sheets, rolling pin, sifter, and racks to my parents since I own basically all of the baking hardware and mom has very little, plus I had wrapped the last gift I had delivered last week and was bringing those down as well as my suitcase with jams for cookies and clothes for an overnight stay. Basically I was bringing down twice what I brought back, and once I arrived I was the organizer/chief baker to make sure we were chilling one dough while mixing another to maximize our time and get to 3 batches in about 4 hours. 

My aunt used to fulfill that role, minus the stand mixer, so it used to take longer since cookie doughs get very stiff compared to cake batters, and we were often kneading the last bit of flour in by hand once the spoon wouldn't go through it anymore, but with the mixer it cuts that time in half. One of the best buys I ever made, it was $60 at Lidl and has lasted four years so far with nary a glitch. Never underestimate German engineering, even if made in China.

From there it was off to holiday karaoke since my dad has a great voice and had promised to sing with a 90 year old woman in their retirement community. My mom has no interest since she knows her voice isn't great, so it was no problem, but I was tired from a full week of work and then being on my feet baking all day. Luckily in a retirement community leaving at 7:30 is acceptable and I was in bed by 9. Even sleeping on the fold out couch didn't interrupt my sleep.

Today we went to a beautiful restaurant near where I live to celebrate my Dad's birthday which was the past Wednesday and their 54th anniversary which was the past Friday, and we really had a good time just hanging out with each other. If you're ever in the area, Scarborough Fair isn't cheap, but the food is fantastic, the place is so picturesque and decorated for every holiday, and it's a perfect place to celebrate small special occasions! Overall a busy weekend, but worth it in every way.

I have Wednesday and Friday off, so we're doing Christmas Eve down the shore then going north to pick up my aunt and do Christmas dinner out. I'm not sure how many days to spend there since I'll be on the couch, but I'll probably stay at least until Saturday. So more family time coming up, but no major rifts in the family now, so I hope it stays that way! Merry Christmas! 

The new schedule for going into NYC definitely works better for me since I actually enjoyed our holiday party and didn't have an "episode" unlike last year. My body doesn't do get up and go any more; I woke up, showered, worked from home 9-12:30, then headed in to the city, and did a bit of touristy stuff since our office is right by Rockefeller Center. From there it was off to the office and walking to dinner. Because I live so far away my train only runs about once every two hours and I still was home about quarter to 1am, so it was a long day but far more doable than trying to cram in a full day of work AND the commute AND dinner.

Every time I'm in the city I love it. I feel alive, connected, one with the movement and activity around me. I walk for blocks not even realizing it is what I call exercise in the suburbs since around here it takes forethought and effort to go somewhere where wandering happens organically. In NYC it's all of it, all of the time, always more to see and do, and never enough time to do it. Do my feet hurt? Yes. But compared to being bored as hell on a treadmill in a gym, or even walking along the ocean, it was and probably always will be my favorite form of unconscious exercise.

It's not that I don't remember the bad times. When I was crouched by the door of the subway crying because hauling my laptop between offices three times a week was stretching my abdominal scar tissue so much that crouching was the only relief from the pain. When I was too drunk to go somewhere or do something I had planned, and let myself just stay in to drink and watch Netflix instead. When my refuge was a small studio, so my life inside was basically a small box. And a million other things as well.

But I made my mistakes and honestly can't guarantee I wouldn't make them again if I did move back to the city. As wonderful as it can be, it is a double-edged sword and the constant stimulation was something that eventually backfired. Still, it is something I have fond memories of and can safely relive, if only for one night. 

For now, I need to catch up on rest, cook for the week, buy the last of my Christmas gifts, then family holiday time will be in full swing next weekend. I had a glimpse into the window of my past, but now it's time to tend to the present. 

 Holiday shopping is (mostly) done, Christmas cards are mailed out, and today we laid grave blankets on all of my relatives on my mom's side buried in Gate of Heaven Cemetery, followed by lunch with my cousins. It's odd to say that going to the cemetery is a fun day, but we trade stories, catch up with each other, and generally have a pretty good time. My youngest first cousin just turned 60 in November and has a new condo and new job, and I'm so happy for him! His daughter is graduated with her masters and going into child psychology, and although I know it's a tough field she seems to really like it which is awesome.

 Overall it's just been very busy for me, hectic at work and still sleep disordered, although I asked my hepatologist about it and he reassured me that it's not due to liver and ammonia buildup since my cognitive functioning is not impaired. Still, I keep going and hope that some day I'll be able to get decent sleep again.

Thursday we're having our annual holiday party in NYC, which makes me nervous since last December led to a terrible dizzy spell and subsequent ER visit rather than making it to the restaurant. I was still too sick to make it to the other bi-annual meetup over the summer, so this will be the first time I'm making it back since last year. I'm still prone to random hot flashes and bouts of exhaustion following them, so I'm hoping I don't get one and carrying protein bars since there's not much else I can do.

I'm also going in later instead of trying to work a full day then do dinner, and basically face a 20-22 hour day vs. going in closer to the dinner and knowing that I literally have put in that time and then some over the years to make up one day where I do minimal work.

I hope everything goes smoothly. I just have to work on starting out well-rested in addition to preparing for the worst. My MELD score is down to 16 from a high of 30-something in May, so I'm healthier at least. 

It's been busy. My aunt is home from the rehab, but really can't live alone since her memory is so bad, and even with in-home help we're probably going to have to legally force her into assisted living. So that should get interesting.

 On my side, I've been catching up, going to see another hepatologist for a second opinion, getting my shots, and my colonoscopy was yesterday (only one small polyp, yay!). I need to sleep more but my body is still finding ways to wake me up between 4-6 am so naps have become increasingly necessary. I take my food break now as an hour to crash out on my sofa, then back to the grind. Every morning I set my alarm for 9 or 10 and never need it. *sigh*

 I still need to do about 12 more health-related things, but I'm just tackling one at a time since that's the only speed I can do right now. First shingles shot is next Tuesday, then I have to work on scheduling a mammogram and abdominal ultrasound (might as well knock both off if I can get back-to-back imaging appointments). The rest will follow.

And people wonder why I start Christmas shopping in August lol. 

Halloween/horror movie season is starting soon :D! I'll be interested to see if they add new movies to the usual Halloween/Nightmare on Elm St/Friday the 13th rotation since quite a few new ones have come out over the past couple of years and I've seen the 80s ones a million times. Those are good to have on in the background when I'm working, but don't really hold my active interest any more.

My aunt is in a rehab to get stronger before she returns home since, as she's finding out, recovery at 85 is not a simple task. Not that she's reconciled with that fact, and apparently she offended the one remaining cousin near her age who's still alive and close by, so unfortunately when she returns home she'll really be on her own. 

My lease renewal arrived about a week ago, and even though the last thing I want would be to try and live with and take care of her (not because I don't love her, but because she defines intractably difficult patient), I offered to give up my apartment and move in with her. My parents said no and I know they're right; I have enough going on with my health and staying sober that the added stress would be a huge burden, but I had to at least offer.

And my sister, who has relied on my parents' and aunt's generosity in free housing for over a decade now, suddenly decided she's buying a co-op alcove studio in Evanston, IL. The location makes some sense because she went undergrad to Northwestern University so she knows/knew the area, and god knows it's cheaper than NJ (it's about $110,000 there, here it would be about $350,000-$400,000). The timing, however, is highly suspect.

Not that I'm shocked. I called this years ago, that when the time came to return the care given to her she would run as fast and far as she could, and so far she's following the expected pattern. In terms of people to rely on when things get tough, she is one who would be quite far down on my list and she's proving why yet again. I can't do much around working full time so it will fall to my parents, and whoever/however they can get some form of home care since my aunt's insurance doesn't cover a full time caregiver, and of course she won't sell her house and relocate to assisted living. At some point it will be forced on her due to declining health, or she may just pass away. I hope she doesn't use her gun(s), but that also is a possibility, and there's little we can do about that.

In other news, I suspect my hot flashes/chills/fatigue crashes are caused by peri-menopause/menopause, so I'll see what my gynecologist has to say about it on Friday.  I think there's a blood test they can do to figure out if my body has started the process, and if it has I may be a few years in already, but I'm not opposed to HRT as an option. So it's off to another doctor, then another liver specialist, a colonoscopy, mammogram, and MAYBE I'll be done for the year. *sigh* This is my horror movie, unending medical problems and doctor visits to manage them along with family complications. Oh well, hopefully no real-life jump scares or murders :).

Well, it's a good thing I got to relax in Newport because it's certainly been a long 4 days since getting back. Work has been crazy busy, and my aunt ended up back in the hospital on Wednesday with dehydration and walking pneumonia. We knew she was dehydrated and wasn't doing great, but since she lives alone and we're one and a half hours away even without traffic on the Parkway we couldn't do more than ask her to drink more water and eat.

In some ways it's better she's in the hospital since they'll feed and hydrate her along with taking care of the pneumonia, but longer term we need to find something that works to get her to take better care of herself post-surgery. The major problem is that we can't do it without her accepting things have permanently changed for her way of life. She is 85, nothing will turn back the clock. It takes longer to recover, and serious commitment to change, and she's not there yet.

I get it. I fought for 10 years to accept that I had cirrhosis and a major relapse/hospitalizations until I'm finally (so far) doing better. I cheat on my diet when I eat out, but I cook as much as I can, do the low sodium thing, take my medications, stay sober, try to get decent sleep, and keep up with my doctors while working full time. Not going to lie - it's a lot and I still get angry sometimes that I'm 46 but have the energy level/health problems of someone 20 years older, but I have accepted the responsibility for that and now am just trying to make it better and settle into new routines.

She doesn't have 10 more years in all likelihood, however, and if she can't reconcile the new reality with what she is willing to change then it will only be a short while until she passes away. It is her choice though, and I respect that, share my experience of health problems starting when I was 20 with the botched appendicitis and what worked/didn't work for me, and hope she understands and adapts. 

I finally had a mini-vacation and went with my mom to Newport, RI for a long weekend, which was great fun! She hadn't been there in over 15 years and things are much more built up than before, but there's still a nice mix of local shops along with the major chain stores, and the mansions were very interesting. We did a mix of everything - lobster rolls, afternoon tea at Marble House, two mansion tours, dinner at the White Horse Tavern, and shopping, so much so that in one day I logged over 15,000 steps. For someone who normally clocks 2,500-3.500 it was quite a change but I certainly slept well!

I also realized that while I've been admitted to the hospital four times this year, the last time I stayed in a hotel was 2022. Let me reiterate that, it's been three years since I stayed in a hotel! That's probably the longest I've ever gone between vacations (even then it was one night in Atlantic City for a concert), and this wasn't even a full week, just four nights away. Now that I've been in my job coming up on three years I need to start planning time off again, and stay sober so that I can use my PTO for fun things, not hospital stays and endless doctor appointments.

 I'm still looking for a condo/townhouse/house that comes in under $500,000 for a 2 bed/2 bath. While I haven't given up, I am realizing just how far I would have to move before that's a real possibility. Anything on a train line to NYC is right out unless I want to get shot waiting for the train, and while near Philly is more affordable it's not really close to family or NYC, so that limits those possibilities. Maybe down near where my parents are, which would be 20-30 minutes to a bus that would take an hour and a half to arrive in Port Authority, but that might be the most likely area.

For now though I'll just focus on keeping my job, saving what I can, and hope the coming recession drops prices enough that I can take advantage of it (not that I want that, but Trump's doing everything in his power to crash the economy so we shall see). I have a lot to be proud of in terms of getting stability and that's good enough for now.