Aaaand, it's still a constant back & forth, but things are progressing sort of okay. The seller found a house, so I have a firm closing date of Sep. 30th (yay!!!!). In the meantime I had a trip scheduled to go to PA and see my cousins on my mom's side for three days the end of last week, so I thought I was prepared. Inspection reports were sent out to all parties, I notified my realtor and attorney I would be out of town, and left, only to spend half of the time (outside of the time with my cousins where I refused to check my phone) either calling, texting, or emailing as things continued.

For now I have almost everything outstanding from then done, but tomorrow or Thursday I have to sit down and really examine all of the pieces to figure out if I'm leaving anything out. If I don't forget in between juggling the mental energy for all of this with the mental energy expended at my job finding new, creative ways to dig out information.

I've begun packing in the meantime though, and have gone through all of my books. I'm down to 7 small moving boxes of books, which is pretty good for me considering I have books from childhood to now. DVDs are next, winter clothes, if I get egg crates I'll pack the less used kitchen items...it's going to happen. I will just pace myself since I don't have to move Sep. 30th, I can do one big move in October with a company then take the fragile items, cleaning supplies, etc myself since it's only 15 minutes away.

It's another 15 minutes to the sand from there, 10 minutes longer than now for me, but considering the price differential it was necessary. To demonstrate: smaller 2 bed/2 bath single level condo (with a basement) near me now? About $580-610,000. Where I'm going? 3 bed/2.5 bath, 2 level is about $440-480,000. Basic savings right off the bat? About $150,000. It's worth 10 extra minutes to the beach!

More major hurdles down, yay! The inspection came back clean with just a couple cracks in tiles, caulking, and that broken attic fan which I knew about from the sellers disclosure. I loved this place when I saw it partly because it was old-fashioned, with most of the original finishes still there, but all of it was well taken care of and the utilities were new or almost new. I also finally met the seller who lives with her mother there and they're moving into one of the many retirement communities down the Shore. Both seem like lovely people, she's a nurse, and her mother is still 100% with it mentally, and you could tell they cared about (and for) the place.

 I did something I probably shouldn't have, since I did like them and I could tell they were very nervous about ending up rushed to move or couldn't get a new property in time. Because I'm a sucker, I let them know my real timeline, that my lease is up Dec. 31st, but I want December to move, so Nov. 30th is my hard deadline. That gives them five months from when they put the condo on the market to find somewhere which should absolutely be doable, but I know from watching my family and parents age that the older you are, the longer something takes, and the more nervous the person gets when they feel out of control of the situation.

I suppose I'll find out if I regret that depending on if they have to push the closing date back, but I'm hoping that by acting in good faith myself, it comes back to me as well. Of course there have been many (many, many) times things like that have come back to bite me in the ass, so with a little luck this may not be one of them. 

Oh yes, and the other happening is that an old cyst which had been inactive for decades decided to abscess, so I had to go for an I&D at CityMD last Monday. It's still weeping a bit and I can't properly bandage it because of where it is, but I've been managing.

Luckily they also prescribed me antibiotics so that should help prevent infection too, and it there's no visible sign of infection currently. I managed to get a last minute cancellation at my mom's dermatologist on Wednesday morning though, so I'll see what the professionals have to say. I'm anticipating they'll want to take the cyst out, but that's more surgery than a quick office visit will provide, so that will be pushed forward.

One of the suckier things about cirrhosis is that bleeding increases and immune response decreases, so it can cause weird shit like this to happen. But I'm aware of it, and addressed this quickly enough (and even left during work) that it didn't go systemic. If I live like I'm 30 years older than my actual age, I find that's just about where I land. Oh well, this too shall pass. 

Things are progressing apace (I think) since there are so many goddamn steps in this process, but I'm just trying not to stress too much, and work with all parties involved.

I also realize that my parents are hitting that older state and it's showing. My dad forgets things rather frequently so it's obvious that he's getting dementia (it runs on his side of the family), and his sister giving herself vascular dementia is making my mom crazy since taking care of both of them falls on her. She hates change, and like most older people their capacity to adapt diminishes, but this is emotional change which she hates even more. I'm hoping having an extra bedroom in my place will give her a break for a few days here and there.

So it's on me to be the calm in the storm, research and figure shit out, and hope and pray I did everything necessary and correctly. The stress is brewing in me too, but one thing I got very good at when I was living at my parents among their frequent fights is a sort of dissociation. Like a meditation technique, but more like a small box in my mind. I write down what I need to remember to do later, then lock that thing in the box until I need to revisit it. Weird, I know, but it works fairly well.

We all work out coping skills, healthy or unhealthy. Most of all, this too shall pass, and when it does I will finally own a place! 

They took the offer for the condo, woo hoo!!!! Of course this means chaos is my next two months. 

Thank god this week was quiet at work since I was simultaneously trying to get my loan application correct, the contract into attorney review, and an inspection lined up. Normally this would be simple, right? My realtor knows what she's doing, but my loan officer keeps not correcting what he needs to like THE ORIGINAL EXPIRATION DATE WHICH WAS YESTERDAY, which should now read Sep. 30th, 2026. 

It also doesn't help that you can't go in person, walk into the loan officer's office with an appointment, sit down, hammer out details, then finalize it together. Electronic things are good when everything's done correctly, but if changes need to be agreed on and viewed by more than one party, it pays to be in the same room.

So next week I'll do it all over again (boo!) and see if they get it right this time around. At some point I may just ask to meet in person and see how that goes if I get fed up enough. 

First offer? Yanked by me. The realtor was so incompetent AND her agency was representing the seller so it would have been a dual agent situation which meant even breaking as a buyer I couldn't get away from these people. They screwed up a basic contract because more than one person had to sign electronically and they kept sending copies that keyed to the wrong person. After 5 days of torture, I finally said "no, we're done." We still hadn't received and signed any contract because they couldn't get their shit straight.

Since the beginning, and I do mean the very first open house we went to see, it was in a complex that I really liked, with a pool and small but not too small amount of condos. In retrospect I should have bought that one, but oh well. There aren't many things that I believe in making a decision on how it feels, but looking for a place to live, and choosing a shelter pet, are two of those things.

I like this place. It has front & back windows, but is still only 2 floors instead of those monstrous 3 level townhomes they keep building everywhere. I've carried groceries up a full flight of stairs (and from the back parking lot) for over 3 years now. I have no desire to climb from the garage to the kitchen with 30 lbs of groceries. The bedrooms are all on the second floor, but as I've seen in most other places, that's the non-retirement community way to build. At this is one fairly straight flight, so a chair lift or extra bannister could be an option if my parent(s) move in at any point.

And best of all, the price is more reasonable. There are some updates I may do eventually, but nothing pressing, and it's really in move-in condition. Again, is it ideal? No, ideal has come and gone, but I have a very positive feeling about this place, and I know I can work the financials on this property much better than the other complex I love where it's a hard stretch price-wise. I'm moving to a more blue-collar town, but I have blue-collar type of money from my white-collar job where we're lowest on the bank's totem pole. 

That's always been me though. I hate drawing attention, I hate promoting myself, and I hate management as a career, so I stay in the background, get compensated decently, particularly for my profession, but my salary reflects that. It's hopefully enough for now, albeit with the help of my parents.

I made my first offer on a condo this weekend. I doubt I'll get it, since I went in $50,000 below asking price and the market around here is hot as all get-out, but it's a valiant effort and an introduction to the process at least, since I've never done it, and my parents last house-hunted in 1984 (their current retirement home was built from a model on demand). 

 If I do get it, however, I would be absolutely ecstatic, even if it's not 100% perfect (bent garage door, no tub, only showers, overly finished basement, etc), but it has to be affordable for me. Yes, I live in a community with a lot of rich people. No, I'm not rich, sadly.

 So even if I don't get it, it's not the end of the world. I've spoken to the property manager and if my search drags on, they will work with me when I would need to get out of the lease. And if something comes up with my requirements/location, and I hopefully could get something even more reasonable price-wise, I'm ready to pull that trigger. 

So the answer apparently is no answer as to why I'm not losing weight, so I have to start tracking what I eat better, I guess. I don't know, I'm already down to 1/2 of what I used to eat to get this size. Oh well.

Next week I'm heading into the office for our bi-annual meetup and in this case, a colleague's retirement dinner. I'm going to miss her; just like Gary was my mentor at LIB, she was mine at SIB. Of course I'm happy for her, and knew it was coming, but I do miss (most of) my coworkers when they leave. I'm still leery of having a random hot flash/exhaustion, particularly since it's summer so I'll already be trending hot, but all I can do is bring water, protein bar, cooling towel, handheld fan, and try to get rest the beginning of next week, even at the expense of my exercise for a day or two.

I do envy people who never have health issues, but I know I have to save my spoons, and sometimes it's still not enough. Fingers crossed. 

On Wednesday I'm going for a check up with my primary care doctor, and I am glad. I've been trying to limit my diet and increase exercising in addition to managing hot flashes, poor sleep, and general stress of life. I had my bloodwork done and it's stable/normal, but as an indicator of how I've changed my diet, my cholesterol went from 211 in January to 160 now. That's crazy pants difference for 6 months, but basically I eat oatmeal, yogurt, granola, and whatever I made that week for dinner (although now I'm limiting that so it's more like 2 meals & 2 snacks in a day).

I really wish there was a Pre-Menopause, Peri-Menopause, Menopause handbook (or one for each stage), since with all of this healthy crap, I've gained 5 pounds. WTF?! I don't know what else to blame this on because every other metric seems to be flashing go except my waist diameter. I really hope my doctor has some helpful hints 'cause I'm pretty much not sure where to go next. 

 It's been busy. I would say good busy, but the summer interns are here, and my sleep is still massively screwed up, where I have to get up to have a hot flash at like 3 am, then try to still get up early enough to get out and exercise or get errands and appointments done before I log on to work.

What I do have in my favor is that at least for now I'm holding my own. The next NYC date is Jul 22nd for my colleague's retirement dinner, but I've already let them know I'm doing WFH in the morning, then leaving to be on the 1pm train into the city. For all of the extra hours I put in, I've paid my time and more for that half day, so I don't have to feel guilty about it.

This may be the first rainy weekend since Memorial Day, but Sunday's nice, so I should have Saturday to rest, then meet up with the parents on Sunday. In the meantime I've had a cousins' catch-up with most of my extended Italian family that's around my age, which was really nice. I was never super close to them since we moved half an hour away when I was 5, but we've always gotten along well.

Sometimes I wish there was more family in my life, but I also know it was very intended on my part not to have kids and the connections that come through that experience, but overall, never regretted it, and I don't think I ever will. I'm lucky like that :D. 

The warmer weather is here and shore festivals are in full swing. On any given weekend there are at least 5 things happening in various towns which is much nicer than staying warm and inside during the winter, and is great for getting the flavor of each town.

One of the many reasons I want to stay around here when/if I do buy something. There's a new one on the market but no basement so boooo...

Obviously, I'm still waiting on a place that meets most of my needs and my parents' future needs if it comes to that. Oh well, back to the waiting game.

I'm not a believer in any sky wizards, astrology, or other means of non-logically explaining the way the world is, despite having been raised Catholic through confirmation. When I sat down for my interview with the Monsignor (we all had to do a personal interview to get approved for confirmation), I asked him to explain how Catholicism's theories clash with evolutionist theories and what his views are on this topic, and others like this that challenge the core of the faith.

We had a good chat, and he approved me so that worked out well, but at the time it was genuine curiosity that led me to ask that question. Post-confirmation I tried high school Bible study, and went on one retreat, but I resented that any opinion other than the unofficially approved one led me to feel alienated. Nope, no God there. After that it was Christmas/Easter mass, then not going at all.

AA was partly difficult because it was Bible study group all over again, but with the Big Book and Bill worship alongside God. Or Higher Power. Or whatever. They meant God, come on, I'm not dumb nor naive about religion. As you can imagine my general disillusionment with the program and that same feeling that I wasn't giving the "right answers" led to me dipping on that program too, although I've tried it about 3-4 times seriously.

The question to all of this, perhaps, is why was I never fulfilled by religion despite giving it my best effort. Outside of the general cognitive dissonance which I do not enjoy or need more of in my life, there's was just no return on investment, and it was actually a net negative. Others described feeling happy, belonging, finally understood, accepted, etc when my experience just left me...empty. My job drained most of my mental energy, and running around to various meetings, church, etc just exhausted me further since I don't have much physical stamina.

For whatever reason, religion never filled a hole for me. I'm not sure if it was the constant connotation of guilt that reverberates through the Catholic church, or Protestant for AA, or the fact that I never found like-minded people who didn't take the religion as unquestionably right, but it just isolated me further from life since I shut down when uncomfortable. I'm happy for those who find it to be a reassuring presence in their life. I just don't think I'll ever experience it first-hand.

I am happy to report that I got more for my birthday this year than a towel! Mostly because I shopped for a lot of it myself when we went to an art walk two weekends ago, but considering last year this year is gearing up to be so. much. better!

Some of the reasons why:

1) I don't have pancreatitis anymore

2) I don't have pneumonia anymore

3) I can breathe without supplemental oxygen

et al. Last year I was newly out of the hospital, and living with my parents instead of my apartment because I couldn't climb stairs, and I survived it somehow. Every time I think this is it, I manage to fight my way back. The difference with age is that I fight in concert with my body, not against my body, since it certainly takes longer with every time and ever year, but the ultimate goal is to make it out alive. So far so good!

And another weekend passed with mostly just the basics taken care of, but yesterday we did Mother's Day and the Vietnam Veterans War Memorial of NJ which was serious but interesting. I was up semi-early today considering trying to go out somewhere like a flea market, decided against it since I don't really need anything right now, then commenced the cleaning. I managed to get most of it done before the exertion hot flash hit, napped a bit from the post-flash crash, then it was cooking & baking for the week and out in the pouring rain to dump the garbage/recycling.

I'm hoping that getting all of this done now will give me next weekend, when we'll be meeting up with Mom & Dad's friend, my sister will be in, and we're going to do my birthday dinner Sunday so I'll pretty much have no time then.

I've also officially declared to the person who's going to be my real estate agent that I know where I want to be, what model of the condo and the reason for it, and my budget, pre-approval, and expected timeline so we can all be on the same page when something fitting my description does appear. I hope it will be soon, but real estate is an unpredictable market; luckily I have experiences in waiting out situations. 

I'm starting to catch up on sleep and also starting to plan my May floor cleaning (I try to do a deep clean every 2-3 months). I'm finding, however, that with my sleep deficit from earlier this month and the fact that buying a house takes almost as much out of me mentally and emotionally as another part-time job would be, I'm still freaking tired on the regular.

I know what would help. Sit down on the weekend, make a checklist for the week even if it's as simple as find out about pre-approval channels and money logistics with all of the sub-steps. If I can line up the questions the night before after I get off of work, then I have the morning to make any calls/visits necessary to at least get a mental structure of what I'll need on a practical basis.

I also know that I don't know what I don't know, but this will get me closer to patching those gaps or at least know someone in the lender/real estate company that can identify anything missing. It's their job, and I'm sure it's boring as shit to go over loan applications, but it's all new to me since I haven't taken any loans since grad school (22 years ago!). Luckily I'm a fast learner, and my parents to help out even though it's been 20+ years for them as well since they bought a new house so times will have changed.

Sleep, off to open house tomorrow, at some point do all the weekly apartment things and squeeze a couple monthly ones in if I can. Cook since I have to use points for this month anyway and Acme gives a pretty good deal on rewards members for meat discount. Not hectic at all for normal people, but definitely add in some layers of difficulty in stamina and mental fortitude in my case.

It's been one of those months where I feel like we're only two days into April instead of 15. Mostly it's because I'm starting to get serious about condo hunting now that I have a pretty firm idea of what I want and need in a home. It doesn't have to be turnkey, but must be clean and fairly well taken care of. I do want a garage since I HATE having to dig my car out in the winter. Full 2 bed, 2 bath, preferably in a complex about 2 minutes away from where I live now so I already know the area and won't have to switch out doctors again.

It's also because my sleep has been indescribably bad. Three hours here, an hour and a half there, if I'm lucky about 6 solid at night, so naps have been keeping me afloat but severely cutting into my block of awake time.

This week will be warm, so I'll sleep with the windows open, it may turn out to be healthier for my breathing. 

I finally got the chance to go see my friend in Florida, and it was amazingly great! Not just because she and I struggle with many of the same issues, so I can completely be myself around her, but because I love spending face to face time rather than just on the phone and it does soothe my (minimal) need for human contact. Random politeness in the supermarket, which is my most common interaction, just doesn't stack up lol.

However, it also physically got me away from here. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my apartment and have worked hard to make it a safe mental haven for me, but there's something completely different about getting on a plane knowing that you're capable of leaving that comfort behind in search of new adventures which has always endeared me to traveling. I go into it knowing that yes, I will spend hours in airports and grabbing horribly overpriced food on the go, but I bring a book or my sewing and know the destination will be worth it.

The last bit of Shawshank Redemption is absolutely spot on in so many ways, but the quote "I find I'm so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain" covers it so well. I felt it when I went to Hong Kong for a month, when I flew to Europe, even when I was driving to Newport, RI in September. It's the destination, not the nitty gritty of the journey, that makes the stress worthwhile, and allows me to appreciate being home with a new perspective as well when I return.

I discovered Wakulla Springs this time around, spent quality time with my friend, and I'm so grateful that I could re-discover that travel excitement again!

Hepatologist appointment went as well as it could, and I get 6 more months before another follow up, so yay! Not coincidentally it's also been over a year since my last drink on March 20th last year. Have I wished I could again? Yes. Do I dream sometimes that I'm drinking or drunk? Yes. But the memory of just how badly things can go with my liver and basically all bodily systems at this point from the decades of damage has kept me clean. To quote Egwene from "The Great Hunt" in The Wheel of Time book series, "I don't think there's any going back for me ever."

So I'm continuing forward, despite the constantly shitty news flow and detrimental actions of our current government, knowing that where I am is the best I can be now, and trying to keep my anxiety in check in more natural ways. That's good enough for now. 

Tomorrow I'm off to see my hepatologist and don't have to take time off of work since he's going to be in the office an hour away instead of across the state, and because I worked a half day on MLK Day so I could have a half day tomorrow.

I shouldn't be nervous. I've seen my blood test results and ultrasound results and while they really aren't going back to 100% normal it's still better. But something about this makes me afraid every time. Maybe it's similar to what cancer survivors feel when they have their checkups post-treatment, that awful sense that things can get that bad again. Is it probable? No. Possible? For the rest of my life, yeah.

I saw my sister's extremely unconventional approach to a cancer diagnosis and watched that anxiety eat up over a decade of her remaining years due to never going to therapy and dealing with it. She got lucky that she had a longshot bet on Bitcoin that sustained her financially, and parents that let her stay rent-free for 15 years. Yes, she traveled. Yes, she felt more in control of her life.

But I saw the full picture. She went from being high-strung to being relatively non-functional in stressful situations. She was afraid to be home alone after dark. She refused to drive unless she absolutely had to, and even as a passenger would scream at the top of her lungs if she thought an accident was imminent (it never was). She squandered huge sums of money on supplements that are dubious at best when it comes to anti-cancer benefits (pancreas supplement anyone? And no, she didn't have pancreatic cancer), acupuncture, and high-end NYC doctors that as long as you pay them, they'll do whatever you want. 

Even putting the money aside, now she's going in for all of the anti-aging treatments that don't involve surgery. Maybe now she's regretting putting her life on hold for so long; I haven't gotten a solid read on that with her, but her new plan is living in Evanston and surviving on crypto trading so reality still hasn't given her a swift enough kick in the butt to conquer her fear of feeling "owned" by having a regular job.

So while I am anxious, I can work through it. Sure, tonight's dreams will likely suck since I don't have as much control over that, but I finished my shift tonight, am getting ready for bed, and will do the necessary tomorrow to show up, remain calm, discuss concerns, and know I'll have to do it all over again in 3 months, 6 months if I'm lucky. I refuse to give in to irrational fears and try to put rational fears in perspective because as I've seen, if you don't it just compounds.

If she ever does go to see a therapist and truly tells him what's going on (unlikely since she doesn't even tell her friends), he'll have a field day with her neuroses. I went through it all earlier on since I kept reaching out for help from undergrad until today, and I'm far from perfect, but for now it's being kept in check. 

God fucking dammit, I'm tired of waking up on random Saturdays only to find that Trump decided to invade/attack another country. And I'm tired of seeing the same MAGA people (including a few in my family) who were all "America First, get us out of forever wars" cheering him on when he's doing EXACTLY the opposite of what he said, and they suffer not a minute of cognitive dissonance. America, Fuck Yeah yippe-ki-yay motherfuckers. Have the day you voted for.

Oddly enough I was up watching Joker on Friday night, and identifying with the nihilist message threaded throughout, much as I do when I watch Fight Club. It's not that I'm promoting it as a philosophy worthy of action, but it speaks to that place in my soul that just wants to tear everything down sometimes. A vicarious outlet that helps me reset and focus on the good in the world instead after acknowledging my own dark side.

Then I wake up to Iran being bombed.

Fuck this timeline, and fuck Trump in particular (though CERTAINLY not in the literal sense) for somehow managing to bring out the worst in everybody and everything he touches, and skate away free of consequences every. damn. time. For now, I'm hoping this ends as well as it can, which is that Iran institutes a new government and Trump loses interest since he has the attention span of a gerbil. And of course that someday very soon that great big coronary comes his way and we can be rid of him forever.