While I'm still failing at life in certain things, I  managed to close one chapter of my life in a good way.  In 2004 I consolidated my student loans from undergrad and grad school, and set out on a repayment plan.  Instead of waiting until the end of the year for my "official" repayment date and paying the extra interest, I took my bonus this year as soon as it posted in my account, and paid off the remaining balance.  I now am officially debt-free!

This doesn't mean that things are peachy; I'm still never going to own anything (especially in NYC), my rent is crazy high, my neighbor is a selfish, loud asshole, there's nowhere to advance to at my job, and I'm still (and always) struggling with depression and vices.  But it's something to be proud of considering how many others cannot meet their payments no matter how hard they try.

Of course, I got lucky in many ways.  I went to school before the insane cost inflation really hit about 10 years ago, my parents paid most of my undergrad costs and I was on scholarship for grad school, but still there are certain debts you have to take on. It seems wrong to me that students today have to make major sacrifices and STILL end up with more debt from just their undergrad degree than I had for both grad and undergrad combined.  I know that a large part of this is that my parents were wonderful and sacrificed a lot to mostly cover my sister and I, but I think that in today's world, at today's prices, even they couldn't have helped as much as they did.

I'm almost 100% sure I'm never going back to school again since grad school soured me on the idea so much, but if I end up laid off or in other dire straits that require retraning for another career I would end up in debt again for the same reason I can't own anything.  The money that would be spent for a down payment, tuition, or anything that is a serious monetary commitment is in my IRA and 401K and if I sacrifice that, I'm (supposedly) losing my retirement (although considering the returns that are likely that still may not be enough to retire).  In today's world, unless you're extremely wealthy or extremely lucky by winning the lottery, genetic or traditional, you'll be sacrificing other pieces of your hard-earned money to put yourself out there and hope that the new degree/training/profession will pay off in the long run.

That's why I stay in the job I can't advance at.  It still pays the best wage in my profession, I have wonderful colleagues, the job can be very interesting, and there are certain perks.  For now, the perk is having a bonus large enough to pay off my loans. I can be proud of that.

As I'm watching Obama come in to start his State of the Union speech, I wonder where he can even go with this besides hardline.  The absolute impotence he's faced this past year in particular, culminating in the government shutdown and the healthcare rollout debacle put him in a very difficult position.  It's pretty much a given that Congress won't cooperate unless the Democrats win this year, but that's still most of a year away, so it has to be time for the kid gloves to come off.

There has always been a particular sense that, as the first black President and a progressive, he had the potential that could transform the dismal decade that preceded his role and give the nation hope that things could get better.  Maybe the pendulum was swinging back toward empowering the middle and lower classes while holding the upper accountable for the vampirism and pathological indifference to the financial and moral wreckage they left over the past decades at the nation's expense.

Tonight is just words, but hopefully he's finally realized that we reelected him for a reason and for a purpose.  It's time to get serious and put the general populace first, not the corporations and those who already have a secure financial future. We need a new Great Society with concern for the nation, not the lobbyists and special interests; please let it happen!

I'm doing a little better.  It's still really hard to get through the day, but I actually have some color in my life again instead of feeling like I'm drowned in gray.  My stress levels are through the roof along with my anxiety, where even taking on a hard request at work spikes my blood pressure, but at least I've gotten some sleep which does help.

Some days I feel so angry that this is my life, not that anyone has it easy, but that I'm so dragged down by the smallest things that others can just roll with instead of sinking into despair.  I try to focus on the present, the positive, and that I still can change some things that are within my control, but after over two decades of this (particularly the first decade that went untreated), it's exhausting.  I know that I sabotage myself in many ways, so that I'm definitely responsible for certain dysfunctions and vices, but part of what pauses me in terms of addressing those is the recollection of how much that first decade sucked, and how pretty much all of the patterns I've fallen into were molded then, before medication.

Does medication work for me?  Sometimes.  Sometimes I think it actually can make things worse mentally because I know there are people out there who don't need it, or need it only temporarily, and I get angry about genetics that kind of tossed me a crap hand both physically and mentally.  One of the major fights with my parents years ago was they thought I should quit the meds because it's not healthy.  News flash: being off them is far less healthy.

When my primary med stopped working a year and a half ago I realized that even when you think you've found a cure or even just a level of stability, it can suddenly put you back where you started, which threw me for a whole new spin as I'd actually thought there might be something of a reliable answer.  Apparently this is normal and can happen on most meds. After that experience I expect ups and downs to happen; right now I'm struggling, but with the hope and experience that I will get over this.  When you lose that, it's time to call for help however you can find it.

At least I truly believe that it will get better, which is a major step forward from other times.  The world may be mostly gray, but the color will come back.

I've officially been downgraded to giant emotional mess.  As hard as I try, I find myself falling prey to all of my old fears, regrets, and vices.  How can I get through the day is the primary concern on my mind, let alone move forward and improve myself.

No matter how many times I've fallen, I've tried to get back up, but when I've fallen so many times in the past few months it's getting harder and harder.  Especially when I know that things that are so simple to others; getting out of bed, doing your daily work, simply being able to hold hands or communicate with others without crying or freezing up, is the hardest thing to face.

I don't know what to do, as always.  Usually I end up in a frozen state, just maintaining until I can recover and move forward again, but god, every time it's so hard.  Does it ever get easier?

I hardly know what to think nowadays.  Every time something in my life starts to make sense, something else seems to contradict it.  I know that this everyone feels this way sometimes, but lately it seems more extreme.

People who I feel should have made the effort to stay in touch have fallen out of touch despite everything.  Those who you never expected to hear from again are the ones who persevere and make you feel like you are worth a little extra effort.  It's been a particularly painful period (period being the past six years) in terms of friends, contacts, acquaintances, and the flux in between, and now I have a slightly thorny problem of someone who was supposed to be a one-night stand, but who has shown more commitment to keeping in touch despite my avoidance than those who were once my best friends.

Is it because he's older and understands some of the mental shit I offloaded on him since he's had more of the kind of experiences that broke me and continue to plague me?  Is it because he also feels alone here and is dealing with shit of his own that he wants a sympathetic ear?  I don't know.

One of the best friends I have I made here in the city over the span of a scant few months.  We connected on many levels, primarily that we understand just how hard it can be to try to live a "normal" life when dealing with abnormal things on a regular basis, and to this day she's the first person I call when the daily grind becomes overwhelming. It seems that the more intense the interaction and understanding, the longer and deeper the friendship lasts.

Where will this go?  No one knows.  I guess I'll figure this out one day, and know who to trust and who not to, and realize that every time you figure it out, the rules change.  That's life.

After seeing it available on Netflix, I've been debating watching Caprica.  I never saw the original Battlestar Galactica, but the reboot was fantastically amazing, even the series finale which was panned by many fans. A few days ago I figured I'd give it a shot.

After watching most of the episodes, I'm sincerely disappointed that there was never a second season filmed since the show not only had promise, but an incredible way to take the genre and change how science fiction can mirror real world conflicts while making a statement about families, betrayal, expectations and let-downs, how human we all can be, and still highlight the brutality that inevitably accompanies the human condition. And saying all of this while expounding on what it is to be human since the show is also about the birth of Cylons, the machines that ultimately turn on their human creators, then mimic humans as chronicled in the BSG reboot and try to destroy the human race altogether.

One thing that is difficult to find in general is intelligent discourse, whether it's in television, books, conversation, or any other medium.  It seems like everyone can recall who was the last American Idol winner or which Kardashian has done something lately, but it's inspiring to me when I can watch something like Battlestar or Caprica that takes risks and tries to expand social commentary on the human condition, even through what is ostensibly a science fiction show.

Maybe someday there can be an online or Netflix continuation of the series, but I hope that it lives up to the quality of the first season where things were bold and unflinching, the same as the Battlestar reboot it was spun from.

It's been a tough few days at work.  I set out in the last 1/2 of 2013 to be able to take the toughest quantitative requests, leveraging all of the resources we have for Excel and our databases so that I can be the backup and eventual replacement for my colleague who is close to retirement.  It's stimulating and exciting except when 4 requests requiring those skills come in at the same time.

I know that it's good and that I'm making myself less replaceable by doing this, but man, it's exhausting since my stress level kicks up when I'm trying to multitask five things. None of my colleagues do this.  I turn out at least twice (and more sometimes) than the others, partly because of this ability to do so, but the return may not quite be worth it.

As I get older, stress seems to take a heavier toll on me than it used to, which is normal I suppose, but it's something I should watch out for, particularly when life outside of work is stressing as well.  I think I'm receiving signals from my body to slow down, and learn, but at a reasonable pace.

I've made it through another week, but my next door neighbor is driving me nuts.  I mentioned when I first met him that the walls are thin here, but have had to knock on his door past 10 pm about 8 times from July when he moved in until now for extremely loud singing, clapping, and music, and I've given him the benefit of the doubt a few times.

So when I arrived home on Tuesday night and could hear him and his girlfriend trying to open their door and failing for 15 minutes, I correctly assumed they'd locked themselves out and invited them in to wait for our constantly late super. We chatted for about 45 minutes and while he's young (26), I was hoping that I wouldn't have to do a repeat late door knock.  Nope.  Last night again he was creating so much noise that I swear he thinks he's the only person in the world.

Interestingly, he also claimed that he works and goes to school during the week.  Really?  Every day I've been home sick or working from home for the past 7 months, I hear him next door (and I know he can be quieter since there are days it's normal noise), along with every single night, so either he manages to create noise when he's "working" or "going to school" or he's a trust fund baby as I suspect. Most people who put in the equivalent of two jobs are not pumping their music at all hours of the day, and not going out at 10:30 pm on a Thursday. I'll give him credit for age playing a factor in stamina, since when I was 26 I could certainly hold longer hours than 8 years later, but there seems to be something fishy going on.

I really hope that when I was his age I wasn't as obnoxious.  In some ways I'm sure I was, but I've always tried to be a considerate neighbor and in my previous 3 apartments I've actually been on good terms with my neighbors.  I'm hoping that my invite when they were waiting (and letting our super crawl through my window to get into their apartment) will pay dividends, but I guess only time will tell.

In the meantime, it looks like I'll still be using my earplugs to sleep.

I don't do New Years resolutions.  Today I'm thinking of the things I still have in my life.

I still have a sense of humor (and irony) that allows me to laugh and enjoy life at times, no matter what comes at me.  I have people who care about me and will help out when I need them.  I have a solid job and a survivable income, an apartment that is under market value (relatively) and hopefully a decent raise to make ends meet again.

Since I have been blessed with some economic stability, my major charity has been the Bowery Mission ever since I moved into the city in 2005.  In comparison to those that they help, particularly the residential program that has set so many men and women back on their feet, my woes are insignificant. I'm lucky that my "survivable income" is actually leaps and bounds more than those in the city that are not just homeless, but working 2 or 3 jobs to truly make ends meet, and those who literally live paycheck to paycheck.  It helps give perspective, particularly during the tough times.

Interestingly, while for years I've donated, this year their new fundraising director has actually contacted me to bring me on a tour of the Mission, allowed me to serve lunch one Sunday, and really reached out to me in terms of feeling that I am making a difference.  My donations are a drop in the bucket compared to the rich UES denizens that can donate hundreds of thousands, but I incredibly appreciate that he's made the effort for me, where what I can give is something warranting some notice.

I'm still not quite settled emotionally from the past year, but this helps.  Knowing that I can make a difference for others who are less fortunate, and hoping that this new year will bring some more opportunities to really let myself be grateful and feel that I'm making what little changes I can achieve in the world does help a bit.

I should do this on a regular basis, and count my blessings (so to speak, I'm somewhere around agnostic/atheist when it comes to a god) since it does put things in a much more comprehensive perspective instead of the tunnel vision that can occur all too easily in my mind.  I'm not setting high expectations for this year versus others that have passed, but realism is preferable to delusion.  I'm very lucky and I should always remind myself of that.