I'm slowly learning how to cook and understanding how satisfying it can be. I've never been afraid of knives, and watching Food Network, along with cookbooks have given me a proper understanding of how you're supposed to be doing mise en place without slicing off a finger. Worst Cooks in America has been particularly helpful, lol.

For Thanksgiving I went to my aunt's on Wednesday to help her and we prepared the stuffing, sweet potatoes (not the crazy sweet marshmallow one, but nutmeg and lemon), and baked apples which requires coring every apple, in a five hour stretch. I took on the majority of the knife work, and was very proud to only come away with two minor nicks. It was an excellent exercise in basic skills which is where everyone should start with a more experienced chef to supervise. I was just happy to be her sous chef.

This is not to say I'll be quitting my job for a line cook or busboy job anytime soon, but just getting my head and counter space around what's possible with minimal effort is the key to healthier cooking efforts which are sorely needed. I still have to move the microwave off the counter for more than minimal chopping, and need to learn my stove's heat levels (the burner turns off randomly at low heat so there's no such thing as a simmer unless I want Con Ed called for a gas leak) but hey, that's NYC kitchen space and equipment limitations.

I think there's more experimentation in my future when I can plan out the nights I have time to cook, adjust the recipes for smaller portions, yet have full flavor. Thanksgiving dinner was amazingly delicious and worth all the work, and someday I'd like to be able to produce that kind of meal when I come home every night. I'm getting there.

Tomorrow I go to Jersey for the Thanksgiving weekend. And despite all that's happened this year, I am thankful for:

My life
My dad's (and family's) life
Having friends and family support me through the tough times
A job that I learn something new at every day
The positive and odd things I've experienced but only could happen in NYC
An apartment that I can truly feel at home in
Independence and motivation to handle life as best as possible
Knowing there will be good times that will happen when you least expect them
Also knowing there will be bad times but I've been through them before

And most of all being able to recognize and focus on the fact that I'm worth being loved. I try to pass it forward through donations to the Bowery Mission and hope that it can affect someone to reach that same decision. For me, Thanksgiving is realizing all of the above and really integrating it with my life. It took me a long time to get here, but better late than never. I wish the best for everyone I know, and those who I don't, that we learn to work towards happy and strive for healthy.

It's been a long week. But I walked the Brooklyn Bridge again tonight, reminding myself that I'm a resident of a city that tourists dream of and that I can do this every night if I wanted. Despite everything else I'm proud and lucky to be here. I may be exhausted at times in the city that never sleeps but I wouldn't want anything else.

I'm trying to be patient. I rarely get things for myself, but for the first time in years I'm pushing to be more balanced and filling some areas I've neglected. The last time I really succeeded in that was nine years ago at the beginning of 2007 when I moved to my last apartment. I got a real bed, a new computer, new clothes, and generally tried to see it as a whole reboot since I had also started my new job in October of 2006.

I've now been in my job ten years, which is hard to believe since there have been a million changes, and quite a few opportunities to fire me but for the grace of having forgiving bosses. And, to be honest, I'm damn good at what I do. I think the anniversary made me really re-evaluate everything, along with all I've been going through, and the conclusion I came to was that I'm in the right place. I'm in the right job; although our greater division is totally dysfunctional I work with some of the most wonderful and intelligent people I've ever known. We function as a whole, help each other, acknowledge our individual strengths and weaknesses, and there's zero backstabbing. How many people can say that about their colleagues?

Now that I've re-evaluated work, I'm in the same process with life and my needs. Over time I've allowed myself to fade into the background, to be a prop in my own narrative where things just happen without any guiding purpose. I'm not going to get religion or any of the other cliches about "finding yourself," but I'm improving some things materially and emotionally. I once again have new clothes, a new computer, and am slowly replacing things that I need but didn't have the energy or willpower to address before now.

Mentally my brain is still fighting me with everything it has, but I'm trying to fight back. Ten years of apathy, let alone twenty four years of constant setbacks leaves a lot of emotional scars, but it also informs me about what does and doesn't work. I finally feel that I'm worth that fight, maybe not every day, but I'm going in with open mind and eyes, to find yet again what works.

And I might get a new bed :).

I haven't written about the election yet since there's been so much to process. For the record, I got up 2 hours early, and voted for Clinton. I waited 45 minutes in a line that stretched over a block and a half, leading me to believe that the incredible turnout might lead to a Clinton victory. I stayed up until 3:30 wishing and hoping that I would be vindicated only to have my hopes dashed as results rolled in from around the country, but understood that this will be the new reality.

No one knows what the effects will be, perhaps least of all Trump, but regardless this is something that we as a nation will now have to face, so it's time for one of the most overused phrases to come into play. It is what it is.

I think a lot of people use it as a statement of resignation, reluctant acceptance, and apathy. To me it means acknowledging a new nation, calmly and fully integrating a new paradigm, and looking forward to what can be done from here to work on a new future that incorporates all of the ramifications of that paradigm. Some things are irreversible, a view that is anathema to many people, but after so many irreversible events in my life, I'm learning a new way of responding.

My initial instincts were fear for the misogynistic, hateful promises made during the campaign now within reach of this man's policies. The possibility of the loss of Obamacare and the prospect of healthcare, which should be a basic right of all people, being now forbidden or unaffordable as it used to be. Increased taxes landing on those who are least able to bear them, choosing between food and rent yet again for the most vulnerable Americans.

There are more changes similarly horrifying judging by Trump's rhetoric during the campaign, but reacting with fear from unrealized policies does no one any good, least of all the ones who may be affected. At this point, it's hope for the best, prepare for the worst, but don't castrophise scenarios and drive yourself mad with worry. We've done our civic duty and now we will reap the consequences. For now we will move forward, as we always do, hopefully peacefully.

It is what it is. It's time for us to reframe, guard what we have as best as we can, and plan for the future. This is not the end of the world, there will be time to work with this outcome.

So the drama is finally over. I opted out of the program myself since I'm not having my needs met and it's just been a giant shit show since the beginning. I was actually having anxiety attacks over going, which is the exact opposite of how this is supposed to work and the experiences others were having. A clear sign that this is not for me.

I'm not minimizing others' situations, two were going through ugly divorces and everyone of course had the mental and emotional stress of recovery. Yet I was the only one in constant chronic pain and occasional acute pain for 17 years. I was the only one with a long history of mental illness stretching over 24 years. Both contributed heavily over time to my problem, and whenever I brought these subjects up it was crickets in group. No one could relate, and that was the final reason I decided to let the group go.

That's not to say that I'm giving up. There are and will be other avenues to arrive where I need to be, and I'll work on those. I just can't give the time and effort to something that has been so poorly handled and doesn't address the mental and physical difficulties I have, so much so that I felt like an alienated outlier. I think it's the right thing to do for me, and I made a proper, official exit unlike any others who just stopped showing up. The closure will help for all of us; I trusted them to respect that and they did. At least I left on a high note.

Basically I spent a week in fear and suspense that anything I do wrong could weigh against me yet again. I also find that my greatest initial obstacle who was the catalyst for my first expulsion is leaving. Thank god. Even the remaining days spent in group therapy with her were excruciating since I didn't dare say anything in case I instigated a repeat of the first "mystery absence".

I still haven't met again with the psychiatrist who kicked me out the second disastrous time, and I doubt I will ever again considering what occurred.

What kind of environment is this to be in when talking about recovery, about acceptance, and about judgement? Personally, I'm thinking it's an awful reflection of a supposedly healthy one. Monday I meet one on one with the person who knows everything that's gone on and yet actively agreed me with leaving the program both times.  I plan to quiz him with all of my awkward questions. If I'm lucky I'll put him in the same place he failed me by not being a moderator and not only allowing a new member to be savaged but advocating a temporary leave.

I also want to do this in private since if the program is working for others I don't want to undermine his authority in their presence, so we'll go mano a mano, me knowing full well that whatever I say won't be expressed to the group. I'll simply be "leaving permanently because of circumstances" or other euphemisms that occur, even though we all know it means "shit went down." There are just so many ways shit can go down that no one ever really finds out the truth. And I also wonder; there's confidentiality, then there's willful obfuscation. I think this place practices the latter for legal reasons.

If I leave this time it's for good. I'm done. As I wrote, I was giving it one more try, but after this week I'm ready for another rejection.  It's wholly possible that the third time quitting, but for once of my own volition, is what's right for me.