As promised I have not ranted about AA since the previous post, but many have occurred in my head in between. However, the problem now seems to be solved.

I quit AA. Or more precisely, my sponsor and I talked about where I was, and most of all my meetings. When I met her and we had our first discussion about her sponsoring me, I explained that I go once a week to the meeting we have in common, and that I spend two times a week in group and two in individual therapy. I had no intention of going to more AA meetings simply to say I went, and to her credit she accepted that. I promised to try and get past my innate distaste for the program and the higher power thing, and it seemed to be a compromise.

Today she requested I attend two meetings a week and get more involved. I said no. Despite loving spending time with her I'm not comfortable with the entity as a whole, and I am not someone who depends on meetings to stay sober. In fact, meetings leave me disturbed by what I hear, resentful that we're not allowed to talk directly to someone who has shared (crosstalk), and most of all still bothered by the relentless focus on higher power and God as a requirement set in stone (or the Big Book, which might as well be the same thing in AA).

And don't get me started on the antiquated Big Book. To purposefully blaspheme, all I can say to that is holy Hell and JFC WTF.

I told her that I respect her viewpoint and honestly I'm thrilled it works for her, but she's right that I'm not okay with continuing the steps. I gave it a full 6 months of sobriety, suspended my disbelief, and spent almost every Sunday "working the program." Yet I have to admit that it's not working for me and in all probability never will.

I wish it had been different, that I'd had a spiritual awakening and thought that going to meetings was the greatest thing since sliced bread. I wish I'd met friends my age and of similar character in the program and that I would have a sober life where we hung out together after meetings and did service, etc. Instead I'll walk away with my sponsor as a friend who I still hope to hang out with, and that's a positive experience at least.

For most of my past I still have so many regrets that I knew the steps were supposed to help address, however I think I'll only do that in therapy from now on.

It's 4:30am and I've already been up for over an hour. Everything went well at home for my birthday and I even had a few days off but I find myself sleepless for no good reason except that today I step back into my current life.

It's not that I don't realize how lucky I am to have it, I very much enjoyed settling back in after 5 days, watering my plants, getting things ready for work, etc, but I think the combination of low-level stress here and having caught up on sleep finally broke through my crazy sleep need. I'll find out if/when I fall asleep at work!

There's a lot to think about and I do hope that things work out the way they should, but I feel like I'm in some kind of limbo, waiting for something that is so nebulous it moves out of reach every time. Not where I wanted to be at 38, but at least I made it to this age with some modicum of security and 179 days sober. That is an achievement I'm happy about.

I'm sick and miserable just in time for my birthday this weekend, so I'm hoping I'll feel better by then. Thank god my new bed is adjustable so I at least have an angle to sleep on; good timing although I certainly didn't plan it that way. I'm kind of pissed at how things have occurred in my life for now and still not loving being sober, but it could be much worse.

After all, this time last year I was in the hospital, and while I got a very cute birthday note from the cafeteria for lunch, I think I'll skip having that experience again. Nothing's perfect.

Since I was waiting for my new mattress I was working from home today, and practically salivating at being able to watch news considering the firing of FBI Director Comey last night. In order to appreciate both sides' spin, I bounced between CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News all day, but what really caught my eye were the commercials.

I know that most under 30s and probably most under 50s don't watch regular TV anymore, preferring to get their news online or in podcasts, much to the advertising world's chagrin. The demographics who do still watch live TV tend to be Republican and elderly, so naturally every channel has a portion of commercials for beauty products, food, and other regular consumer goods. But an obvious difference emerged rather quickly.

CNN had the most mainstream commercials, and while there were promos for their own shows, it wasn't overwhelming. Their content was fairly sensationalist, but centrist. MSNBC is a shameless self-promotor even during their commercial breaks, and unsurprisingly leans liberal on any political coverage, but I find it eminently watchable overall.

I will preface this next part with the caveat that I am an under 40 liberal Democrat living in New York City.

Fox News was biased to the right as expected, focusing on the White House official talking points of Comey not performing his job well in regards to the Clinton investigations. They did make salient observations on Anderson Cooper's eye roll rudeness, and that there should be a certain level of journalistic respect maintained on issues despite partisan differences. However, they were also equally divisive with some of their reactions to liberal viewpoints, so I'd call Fox a worthy news source as long as watchers are exposed to other channels as well.

Getting back to commercials, I've NEVER seen as many for gold coins, silver funds, and other dubious investments in my life! It's putting a giant gold bow on a pile of money and screaming "protect your nest egg" while trying to sell a huge pyramid scheme. The first tenet of advertising is "Know your audience," and man have they taken that to heart. Frankly, I was horrified to think that the majority of the audience are watching this day in and day out since they aren't working anymore, and are worried about their money lasting through retirement. In short, the perfect suckers.

In this administration, and this country, it's mostly a case of what is legal is what generates cash, so I don't see this being stopped anytime soon. But there should be limits on the veracity of what is allowed, the times something is shown in a given period, and stronger oversight other than who can pay for a promo.

Verdict: Fox, you are guilty of accepting these ads and playing them ad nauseam. MSNBC, check your ego a bit. And CNN, you can go on with the mainstream ads. FCC, you need to change the rules! It's probably for the best I'm usually working elsewhere during the day so I don't over-analyze these things on a regular basis.

Sometimes it's funny how things work out. I've needed a new mattress for about a year now, but after waking up AGAIN with my back killing me I figured I would spend the afternoon working on this problem in a constructive way. Between muscles prone to go out leftover from a 2005 car accident and the inordinate amount of time I spend in bed, far more than the typical third of my days, I really should have taken action before now, but laziness and life events just kept getting in the way.

To be clear, I also hate shopping for most things, but I thought I'd check out products and prices and come back another day.

Also to be clear, I'm relatively cheap even when I know that I need something.

Anyway, of course I see the $3,000 mattress parked in the front of the store and know to go to the very back to locate the ones I'd even consider. I also notice that there are now "standard" options for adjustable beds, things I've only seen in the context of hospitals or Medicare (or both), although it tacks on over $1,000 to the total price.

Long story short, I ended up chatting with the sales rep for over an hour, and landed myself an adjustable bed for only $350 extra along with a reasonably priced mattress. For me it was worth the extra cost because of the aforementioned bad back, because my apartment is so small I can use it to double as a seat if necessary, and in case I get a respiratory infection. Score!

I think the takeaway lesson is that window shopping can come in handy if you know what you're looking for, or even if you're not, as long as you're ready to take advantage of whatever sale you run into. As my father is so fond of saying, luck is when preparation meets opportunity. And while I wish that would occur more often in other areas of my life, this was good enough for today. Delivery on Wednesday.

I even got the rep's phone number :). Definitely lucky.

This weekend my sponsor asked the ever popular question, am I putting my sobriety above everything else?  And when AA people say everything, they do mean EVERYTHING except your ability to breathe. The first time I had to answer was with my temporary sponsor at rehab, and we ended up in a bit of an argument about the fact that I'm not willing to profess my adulation of sobriety over my health, family, job, etc. This time I explained further (and my current awesome sponsor accepts that I rationalize everything).

I have the luxury of taking this year to do sobriety as well as I can. The first goal for this year was keeping my job and redeeming myself for the months off that I had to take last year, but without burning myself out. I'm paying for a psychiatrist who knows what the hell he's doing and whom I completely trust, as well as going to the after-care service twice a week for the next many months. In between I'm maintaining my apartment and trying to get all other parts of my practical house in order.

I am putting my sobriety at the top, but am leveraging that to address other aspects of my life that have suffered over the years. Job first, because I very much want to remain there for the foreseeable future; it provides me the ability to afford being in Manhattan, satisfies my intellectual curiosity, and I work with the best group of people imaginable. Family comes in as a photo-finish second, although not without some major reservations. I'm trying to improve relationships, but still have to protect myself and expend effort to keep from being sucked back in to very dysfunctional patterns. Health I'm addressing as needed, sleep being paramount in that arena.

Life as a whole is complicated, and asking a "simple" question like this and expecting only a yes or no isn't happening in my world.  Things aren't simple or easy, it requires constant re-evaluation and adjustment to the situations that arise. Taking sobriety as a piece and a building block makes the most sense for me, so it co-exists as part of a very important foundation. She was satisfied with that answer, and I am as well for now.

I'm finally feeling better emotionally. I can't point to one thing in particular, but today I realized that I was happy after months of wondering if I had set a new level of apathy. Maybe it's the warmer weather. Maybe it's knowing my birthday is coming up soon. Maybe it's making it past one of the worst years of my life, realizing that I have come a long way, and that I have something to be proud of and happy about.

Again, I doubt it's that cut and dried, but likely the result of a few months of adjusting my mindset, even when I'm not feeling that way initially. Ultimately it doesn't matter why, just that for today life wasn't a chore. My body hurt as per usual but I can still get around the subway and walk the stairs. I was out in Brooklyn but can take the new Q train, and I've learned to pace myself at work so I'm not totally mentally exhausted by the end of the day.

For years I focused on the daily annoyances and let them get to me. I'd repeat them over and over in my head so that the smallest addition would drive me into a rage, but I'm letting them roll off me now. I think I'll keep it up, it seems to be doing me some good.