Oddly, I heard the same refrain from two different professionals today, one I've heard again and again but don't really understand. This morning was my psychiatrist, in the afternoon was my 3 month checkup with my primary care doctor (since the last year and a half of multiple hospitalizations they're keeping an eye on me). Both seem to think it's some sort of notable achievement I've quit drinking and smoking.

Yes, it was hard and continues to be. But it's hardly unheard of, and I basically waited until I literally had no other choice; not exactly a hero's act. I still feel tired and flat. I get up, go to work, come home, watch TV, and go to sleep. My routine hasn't changed, I'm just not drinking myself to sleep, and I miss it. Some part of me probably always will.

But it's necessary and keeping my doctors happy. My CT scan came back clear, and if my blood tests are acceptable then the worst is probably past health-wise. I guess there are some concrete things I can point to as achievements, as mundane as they are, and that will have to do.

I find it interesting that politics is something I regard as a welcome distraction these days, whereas most people who closely follow the news are disgusted, dismayed, angered, and alarmed by the daily shitshow. It's the embodiment of corporate America taking over politics, but I've already been screwed in so many ways by LIB that I'm numb to that dynamic. I've learned to view it somewhat objectively, even if years ago I would have been vociferous in my denunciation of everything going on right now.

There was a stopgap solution to things like this; I learned to separate what I can do about the situation from what's being done to me. I voted for Lhota and Clinton, I got DeBlasio and Trump. So be it, I move forward protecting myself until the next elections, but stay informed on the right and the left issues so that I'll be able to judge who are the best candidates for the city, country, and me next time.

All of this has happened before and will happen again.

The exception to my detached ways is the AHCA pushing its way through Congress now. The House bill was a disaster for literally tens of millions of Americans. I had some hope for the Senate bill, but that was in doubt when I heard they were drafting it in secret. That hope was dashed when it was about the same as the House burn healthcare to the ground version.

Yes, I am lucky to currently have employer sponsored insurance, even though now my deductibles and out of pocket maximum will total about $12,000, which I am unfortunately paying all of this year and most of that last year as well. But lifetime caps could be reinstated, annual caps, mental health and substance abuse coverage slashed. I am one of the sick. I would be screwed.

So I'm practicing my philosophy. I voted, and have done what I can to protect myself if this occurs. I feel absolutely awful for the millions who will be literally heading toward their graves without Medicaid as it has been, and any other sectors hard hit by this (which I suspect will be many ACA plan enrollees) but for now I have to let it go from an emotional standpoint.

What scares me the most in the near future is that while I will survive others won't, and there may be people like Hodgkinson who took desperation in an extreme and deadly direction. I hope it doesn't come to that; our country deserves better than this, and 99.9% of people are good, decent people at heart. We just need a health plan with an ability to keep all Americans hearts beating in a practical manner while the patients also can still afford food.

There is time still, thank god, for the US to acknowledge healthcare as a basic right. I hope someday it happens.

I think this is what I used to feel like. I had some energy today, enough to complete ten solid hours of work and still grocery shop without forcing myself to do so. My legs hurt, but I could walk up and down stairs without hissing in pain and clutching at the railing. It was very weird.

Over the past six months I've gotten used to the status quo, but some corner of my mind still has some hope that things can get better. If I'm lucky I'll have more days like this.

We did Father's Day today instead of tomorrow initially because of a better weather forecast and less crowds. The plan was Prospect Park and dinner at French Louie in Brooklyn, but considering it started pouring around noon (we were going to meet at Prospect Park at 2), we ended up at my apartment on the UES instead.

It's a nice reminder that my parents and I basically get along pretty well. We talked in my apartment until the rain let up around 2:30, went to the Hungarian cafe around the corner for lunch and dessert, and then to Carl Schurz yet again since it's such a pleasant little park. We can hang out for hours and have a good time, something that I've worked very hard at making all of us comfortable with over the past years and particularly in the past six months.

There are things in our relationship that are taking time to heal, primarily my deception about drinking, but I feel like they're trusting me more, and only by giving them proof can they believe me again. It will take quite a while, but we all understand that and I have to remind myself that it is probably the most important relationship to mend. Tell them I love them, be honest, and continue spending as much time as possible to show as well as tell that I'm making progress.

Most of all I know how lucky I am to have this time to repair our relationships while they're still healthy, although slowing down a bit. We're planning a European river cruise for next year, something we've talked about for over three years, and I know that this will be a fabulous experience not to be forgotten. The cruise is perfect since it's not hauling luggage every night, and excursions will be frequent but not insurmountable even for relatively elderly people. The last time my parents were in Europe was in the late 1960s as separate, single people, so it'll be revisiting their youth; I hope that ability to reminiscence while experiencing it as older adults with grown children will be one of the best parts for them.

For me it was a happy Father's Day, far more organic than expected but reinforcing that I do love them both immensely, and that I certainly hope to have many more years enjoying their company and our mutual interests.

I love you Dad, respect you in so many ways, and have for most of my life. Just do me a favor and look at the brochures so we can get started planning for Europe!

I've put some thought towards the future and for now am just going with what I have.

On another note, what do whole hog from Tennessee and North Carolina, baby backs from Illinois, St. Louis ribs from Texas, and chicken wings and sausage from Mississippi have in common? Answer: they were my lunch and dinner at the Big Apple BBQ today. Yes, all of them, although to be fair it was shared between my parents and I :).

One of the events that my sister's ex-boyfriend introduced me to was the BABBQ. Twelve or thirteen pitmasters from around the country and NYC gather at Madison Square Park and it's two solid days of the best barbecue to be found anywhere. I always skip the NY joints and my favorite, Pappy's from St. Louis, stopped attending about four years ago, but my god I look forward to this every year. I'm still trying to lose weight, hence the (somewhat) restraint of only five plates between three of us, but I thoroughly enjoyed every one. That should hold me for barbecue for a while.

Tuesday I told my doctor about quitting AA, Thursday my group, and yesterday I dropped off a thank you card to my ex-sponsor since we did spend quite a bit of time over four months of Sundays. I feel like I can close that chapter without any regrets over my involvement and accountability which is satisfying.

There's one big catch though - now what? Where do I go from here when it comes to meeting new people? How do I find out what's going on with me medically since doctors have come up with a big fat zero for any obvious ailments, and how much of my physical pain is just in my head? These are big questions and while I already have a start by continuing with my doctors and groups, those will reach a point in about another six months where I'll need to live my life unsupported.

I'll be on my own after a year, and although I have been in many ways over the past five months, I think the longer my isolation goes on the more difficult it will be to sustain myself mentally. I'll have to keep a positive attitude daily. Remind myself often that I do have a lot in my life professionally, financial security to a degree, moderate health remaining, and an independent, stubborn streak that has kept me going through now and has the ability to let me persevere.

Mostly I need to learn to let regrets go, renew my relationship with my family, and maybe someday learn to trust people again. Simple, right? *sigh*