Well, technically it was a holiday, although in many ways it didn't feel like one to me. My great-uncle's sister, who has spent the past five years celebrating with us, was understandably upset over losing her brother. My aunt was lamenting the shrinking of the family again. My mother was in super control mode which led to many shouting matches with my sister who was in super-super control mode over who was more stressed and who had more to take care of by the end of the year.

My dad and I wisely stayed out of it and made sarcastic comments to each other, even though all of this stresses me out observing it and having to bite my tongue instead of getting involved in the screaming matches just to tell them to shut the fuck up and deal like adults. As I mentioned, even though it sucks that my great-uncle died right before Christmas it really was a blessing since he was so thoroughly unhappy at being helpless, hence please do not displace your discomfort with the situation inconsiderately taking up your precious time on each other.

So I resolved not to make it worse, just show up, be a support for his sister, and let her know how much he was loved by all of us. My mom and sister will never change; at their core they are selfish and don't notice that I just avoid, retreat, and try to ignore everything they go on endlessly about that seems SO IMPORTANT to them at the time. Nine times out of ten it's not a true crisis, and when it is, then the appropriate response is to address it as best as possible as fast as possible. It won't always be a valid option, but you do the best you can in those situations.

Late tax bill? Not a crisis. Contact the bureau and let them know you'll pay, if they send you to collections then contact collections and let them know you're working with the bureau. Been there, didn't freak out.

Filing for the end of the year as a separate business? Don't know, never done it, but hire someone competent who knows the laws or learn them yourself ahead of time so it will be done properly and by deadline. Not a crisis.

The important part was to be there for the entire wake, the pre-funeral, funeral mass, grave ceremony and repast. I had that luxury since I already had Tues & Wed off, taken the beginning of this year not knowing what was ahead, but I would have at least tried to get the days off even if I had found out last minute. I think my boss would have understood and I could have borrowed from the days from next year since it's exceptional circumstances. Uncle Vito was a vital part of my life as long as I can remember, from when he played Santa Claus in my Uncle Cappy's basement when I was 0-4 years old to all of the holidays he spent with us over the many years in between.

He and Aunt Helen were our and our cousins' surrogate grandparents particularly since they had no children of their own. He was a World War II veteran (he and his brother met by chance on Iwo Jima one day), a draftsman at ITT for 50 years, head of their union, and a devoted, loving husband who also took care of others living on his street as well as his sister-in-law after his brother passed. He was compassionate but practical, and had a unique perspective on the world that I think only those who have lived decades can achieve. He was loved and will be missed, and despite family being a bitch this weekend, he was worth all of us and more.

I've been given an unusual but desired Christmas present. My great-uncle passed away yesterday, and while I love him and will miss him greatly, it's for the best. He was another of my surrogate grandfathers and lived with passion and grace for 91 years, but had been struggling with Stage 4 cancer for the past 5 years. About a month ago the brain tumor started interfering with his balance and for the past three weeks he's been bedridden, something that is directly opposite to his nature. One of his favorite pieces of advice about getting older was succinct and true: keep moving.

I've seen family members linger in that state or worse for months on end so a relatively quick death is truly a blessing. He wasn't going to recover, and the longer he lasted the more frustrated and unhappy he would have become, so all I can say is thank God.

Uncle Vito, I love you and hope you and Aunt Helen are reunited if there's an afterlife. I'll always be grateful that you were in my life and willing to act as our grandfather. Rest in peace.

Cookie baking went relatively well, though there are always some sore spots with family. And at least I got to do it this year. Last year since I was in rehab and my sister didn't want to spearhead it with my aunt so it was canceled. I wasn't surprised but I was disappointed, although it underscored yet again that without me being the protagonist in my family my sister will not step up to the plate and this year was no different.

I try not to be angry. I realize that she's a very different person, that what she sees as important is not what I do and that it's always been that way. She thought nothing of leaving for LA for four years despite and partly because of my family's desire to keep her nearby. To her, the fact that she was basically gone from my life for about ten years didn't mean there was any reason I wouldn't be close to her when she deigned to return. It's the same with cookie baking; if she didn't feel like doing it the one year I was unable to do so, well, then it applies for everyone by default.

I didn't delude myself. I knew it was disruptive for the entire family and only marked my absence more, even though I didn't say anything since there nothing I could do at that point. Hell, I barely got a day pass for Christmas itself.  I just let my parents do the family program with me that weekend instead, which was its own special kind of hell, but it made them feel better I hope.

And yet she will take an entire day to travel to NJ and back two weeks ago to visit our last great-uncle who is dying in a nursing home. I respect that since I don't have the energy to do that outside of dire need, and while she hasn't consciously decided that he's basically done for, at least at some level when it counts she shows up. Yet if she'd waited a week we saw him together on Sunday.

So I'll give her credit for that and just try to work around her as always. I still can't bring myself to depend on her, or even really stand her presence, but she does have her positives no matter how illogical they are. I hope that she'll eventually have some sort of awareness of how she affects everyone else around her on a daily basis, but she's a reactor to crisis, not someone who thinks regularly of how she's affecting others. Better than nothing, I suppose. And I just have to put that in perspective.

Yesterday I was visiting the department store holiday windows and today shopping at the kiosks with my mom (since I had vacation days to use it was possible). I was reminded again of what a gift it is to live in New York, and yet revisit the dread of returning to work tomorrow. If I was a trust fund baby then it would be a pleasure to be here and be able to truly appreciate the experiences.

Unfortunately I'm not and will never be rich, especially by NYC standards so I still feel stuck. I know it's stupid because I'm still currently in a better position than I could be if any of a dozen situations could have happened, but there's been a seed of resentment growing for years about the lack of ability to create any sort of freedom or positive progress with my job.

It seems that when I'm working I'm just robotic. When I'm taking days that I know I shouldn't be taking I at least feel that I'm not tethered to a place, a time, responsibility twice that of others in my department. I've begged, complained, and resisted as best as I can at them piling another thing on my plate which burns me out so much that I collapse, sometimes literally.

Also unfortunately I have some vestige of work ethic left where I try to fulfill everything at once as it piles up. I've tried to moderate. I've tried to push off work onto the others who should be helping me out, and had them tell me no because they've also been burned out.

I have to remember that I want this life, this opportunity to be in this wonderful city, and it's worth the stress of living and working here. And although I've said it a million times, to draw a line where I say no when it's important and the fault isn't me or my abilities, it's the cheapness of the department. If they won't pay for more passwords or training, I won't pick up the slack. I should know better, after all, it's the only way anything's worked in alleviating the ridiculous situations we've had in the past.

For now it's getting close to Christmas and New Years, and I'll enjoy as much as I can, and try not to stress out unnecessarily.

I know it's not logical, but when it comes to my emotions I find that I cannot seem to harness my logic to change things. I have a lot going for me, and when I've suffered it's been my own fault at least half of the time. But when I get the better of myself and cause my own problems, it's in some ways ten times worse than my genetics or body spontaneously revolting on me.

Both scenarios I am intimately familiar with and I wish I wasn't. It's not that I think I deserve better, or that any person goes through life without significant emotional or physical pain, but damn it, I'm tired of it. Tired of falling back into old habits. Tired of feeling like a robot that goes through the motions without any emotion except resignation. Tired of knowing I should make a change but I'm just too tired (ha ha, yes, I know).

Oftentimes I think I just wasn't made for this world, a feeling that hasn't left me since I was thirteen. I do okay for a while, then crash. Rinse and repeat, and every time it seems that I fall a bit further.

I'm hanging in there as much as possible and will make it out the other side again but it's mentally and physically defeating to cycle again and again through depression, anxiety, then anger and frustration at repeating the same mistakes.

It's been almost a year since I went to rehab. I was back in the ED two nights ago with a BAC that was high for normal people. If anyone ever says that quitting an addiction is easy they're fucking lying.