Monday, March 31, 2025

Today I was looking up what seasons of Top Chef were on Netflix for background noise while working, when I noticed The Menu is there, but leaving soon. Of course I had to put it on for tonight.

I first saw this on FLIX on cable TV, and the previews had intrigued me initially. As I watched it, I absolutely loved the subversive tone and eventual twists as the plot progresses, and have watched it as often as I could find it there. It's one of the more clever movies I've seen in a long time and has a lot to say about classes, obsession, and more.

I will miss it when it leaves Netflix, but if they still make DVDs I may have to locate one of those to add to my library.

Saturday, March 29, 2025

The nausea from jaundice has been SO BAD all week that I've had to lie down for 15 minutes even during work to make sure I'm not going to vomit up what I've managed to choke down. Today, maybe because I got a reprieve from sitting still for 10 hours, it's marginally better. It still took about 2 hours in the morning with yogurt & cereal and a brief lie-down to quell it, but I was productive once it receded.

I had mopped my wood floors Friday night since we were relatively quiet at work, and today was laundry, turning my mattress, replacing sheets, dusting, vacuuming rugs, scouring kitchen & bathroom floors, and cleaning tub, toilet and sink. Then I officially ran out of energy and my butt will be on this couch until I go to bed. 

Tomorrow is food shopping, where I will endeavor to find some blander products to eat this week in the hopes that the nausea will pass. I'm already less yellow than I was, which bodes well that my body is compensating slowly but surely for the abuse I've put it through, so it's just a matter of keep on keeping on and do what I can with the energy I can muster. This too shall pass. I just have to stay focused on not drinking.

Thursday, March 27, 2025

As much as I have resisted this, I think I officially surrender. After 5 days in the hospital mid-February for pancreatitis and now a second case of jaundice, I have to admit that my liver simply cannot handle drinking any more. Like at all. Ever. The pain, nausea, and fatigue go away while I'm drinking but the aftermath is getting nastier and nastier, and at some point it will reach a point of no return.

Will I be tempted? Definitely, but it's reached such an extreme place that my options are either stop now, or die like my cousin did. Luckily my parents do know, and they are being supportive instead of guilt-tripping or smothering me as they have in the past. I think it's finally hit them that this is something I have to do myself and while they can support and help, they can't fix it, and the more they try to control it the worse the impact on me.

I still have a chance to survive for a while longer, although I don't delude myself that this probably has shortened my life span by at least a couple of decades. So I'll take that chance and hope that things do improve. I've stepped back at work since I refuse to stress out so much any more, and I doubt they would fire me anyway since I am the only night shift for a good three hours per night. We're currently experiencing the Trump effect where activity has slowed down since no one in business knows what in the hell he's going to do next so everyone's sitting tight, but we'll pick up again.

For now I'm looking forward to my birthday, and a trip to Newport, RI with my mom where I hope to have lots and lots of lobster rolls. Life has other rewards that are far more constructive.

Saturday, March 22, 2025

Today was my rest day, so of course that meant I cleaned, did dishes, and food shopped. No rest for the wicked, I suppose.

I also gave another stab at the latest mini kit which I had put on hold since I had to cut out every. single. piece. from paper with an Xacto knife. I was willing to keep plugging away at it until I realized some of the paper was blank that should have been printed. That's when I finally threw it all back in the box and said fuck this. I've done 3 successful mostly wood kits from the same company, but this new company? Will never order from them again. If they're going to send impossibilities, I am not going to try and hand draw/color these things. 

Luckily the same kit is available through different vendors, but I'll be much more careful about reading the reviews before I buy it. I assumed that if this is what they produce for a living it would be at least decent quality, but nope, proven wrong.

Oh well, that means time to start Alton Brown's book that my dad got for me, and do a puzzle since my patience with minis was pure rage by the time I realized this kit was not even possible to finish.

Tomorrow it's off to brunch with the parents then some good old fashioned mall shopping, although my shopping tolerance usually only extends to about 2 hours normally. Still, it will be good exercise, and since I accidentally left my coat at Burger King on Wednesday I'll be browsing the end of winter sales. Not a bad weekend overall.

Wednesday, March 19, 2025

I'm making small but positive steps. Today I went an hour south to have my hair cut & colored, tomorrow it's off to my primary care 30 minutes south where I get to try to explain the health shitshow my life has been, but I'm always honest with my doctors since they can't treat what they don't know about. I was supposed to do bloodwork, but considering I had a TON of tests when I was in the hospital, I figure he can take it from there.

Speaking of hospital stays, I still have bills coming in and of course it's never from a single source, it's all different providers so it's hard to keep track of. As long as I don't get sent to collection, I should be okay though. Plus most bills come in text form links to websites so I have to make sure it's not a scam first. Ah, the joys of technology.

But I'm putting one foot in front of the other, not taking work as seriously, and occasionally tuning in on the shitshow in our government right now. Who knows how that will turn out, but none of us have a crystal ball, sad to say. As long as I can keep my job and apartment I'll be okay.

Sunday, March 09, 2025

I am dating myself again, but I remember when Chris Farley died. They mentioned the four components, depression, anxiety, cocaine, and alcohol. One of his colleagues said when one went up another went down so it was a balancing act until he overdosed. 

I get it. I got it even back then since it is our illnesses/weaknesses causing all of the damn problems. Cocaine was never mine, but the other three are deadly too, and there is no guaranteed fix. I've been fighting for 25 years but I don't know how many years I have left. All I can do is try to work out help and know that it will not always work. I will relapse, and relapse a million more times, and these three things will kill me eventually.

For anyone with mental illness it is always a back and forth for trying to fix it, and so many people choose other substances since antidepressants/psych meds do not work, or do not work well, or you get on what I call the medical merry-go-round, but don't have time to get around that without working. I try to help those who are searching for answers, and sometimes have been able to since I've been through all but jail, but yeah.

It's hard. I need help myself now as I need a psychiatrist and psychologist here. Moving changed everything and then moving again and pretending to be ok is finally not ok. The only truth is that I finally confessed to it so the consequences will come, and they won't be pretty, but hopefully I can find someone who can help me.

Tuesday, March 04, 2025

I'm tired. Tired of the grind from work, tired of hearing fucked up information from family on who has murdered/been to jail recently. Tired of having to hold it together through it all on the outside while falling apart on the inside. Tired of dealing with my sister not dealing with life. Tired of my alcoholism, depression, anxiety and not being able to access proper support because our healthcare system sucks.

 But what I do have going for me is that I'm a goddamn stubborn bitch and not going to give up. I will fight until I can't anymore since that is what I fucking do. It exhausts me and makes me think at times that I can't, but I won't.

Sunday, March 02, 2025

Yeah. So. Holy shit Christ on a cracker and all that. I've already experienced when my cousin tried to kill my uncle twice. And now this: https://nypost.com/2025/03/01/us-news/princeton-man-allegedly-murdered-and-mutilated-by-brother-mourned-at-funeral/

I've known mental illness runs on that side of our family. I have it myself, although my sister & I promised not to kill each other no matter what after this. I have no words except that I'm traumatized again.