I'm not a believer in any sky wizards, astrology, or other means of non-logically explaining the way the world is, despite having been raised Catholic through confirmation. When I sat down for my interview with the Monsignor (we all had to do a personal interview to get approved for confirmation), I asked him to explain how Catholicism's theories clash with evolutionist theories and what his views are on this topic, and others like this that challenge the core of the faith.

We had a good chat, and he approved me so that worked out well, but at the time it was genuine curiosity that led me to ask that question. Post-confirmation I tried high school Bible study, and went on one retreat, but I resented that any opinion other than the unofficially approved one led me to feel alienated. Nope, no God there. After that it was Christmas/Easter mass, then not going at all.

AA was partly difficult because it was Bible study group all over again, but with the Big Book and Bill worship alongside God. Or Higher Power. Or whatever. They meant God, come on, I'm not dumb nor naive about religion. As you can imagine my general disillusionment with the program and that same feeling that I wasn't giving the "right answers" led to me dipping on that program too, although I've tried it about 3-4 times seriously.

The question to all of this, perhaps, is why was I never fulfilled by religion despite giving it my best effort. Outside of the general cognitive dissonance which I do not enjoy or need more of in my life, there's was just no return on investment, and it was actually a net negative. Others described feeling happy, belonging, finally understood, accepted, etc when my experience just left me...empty. My job drained most of my mental energy, and running around to various meetings, church, etc just exhausted me further since I don't have much physical stamina.

For whatever reason, religion never filled a hole for me. I'm not sure if it was the constant connotation of guilt that reverberates through the Catholic church, or Protestant for AA, or the fact that I never found like-minded people who didn't take the religion as unquestionably right, but it just isolated me further from life since I shut down when uncomfortable. I'm happy for those who find it to be a reassuring presence in their life. I just don't think I'll ever experience it first-hand.

I am happy to report that I got more for my birthday this year than a towel! Mostly because I shopped for a lot of it myself when we went to an art walk two weekends ago, but considering last year this year is gearing up to be so. much. better!

Some of the reasons why:

1) I don't have pancreatitis anymore

2) I don't have pneumonia anymore

3) I can breathe without supplemental oxygen

et al. Last year I was newly out of the hospital, and living with my parents instead of my apartment because I couldn't climb stairs, and I survived it somehow. Every time I think this is it, I manage to fight my way back. The difference with age is that I fight in concert with my body, not against my body, since it certainly takes longer with every time and ever year, but the ultimate goal is to make it out alive. So far so good!

And another weekend passed with mostly just the basics taken care of, but yesterday we did Mother's Day and the Vietnam Veterans War Memorial of NJ which was serious but interesting. I was up semi-early today considering trying to go out somewhere like a flea market, decided against it since I don't really need anything right now, then commenced the cleaning. I managed to get most of it done before the exertion hot flash hit, napped a bit from the post-flash crash, then it was cooking & baking for the week and out in the pouring rain to dump the garbage/recycling.

I'm hoping that getting all of this done now will give me next weekend, when we'll be meeting up with Mom & Dad's friend, my sister will be in, and we're going to do my birthday dinner Sunday so I'll pretty much have no time then.

I've also officially declared to the person who's going to be my real estate agent that I know where I want to be, what model of the condo and the reason for it, and my budget, pre-approval, and expected timeline so we can all be on the same page when something fitting my description does appear. I hope it will be soon, but real estate is an unpredictable market; luckily I have experiences in waiting out situations.